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Summary
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A university student has fallen in love with a married man whose previously open relationship is now troubled. Emotional closeness has intensified, and she is torn between preserving the connection and avoiding further hurt.
The response argues that the arrangement has become painful as romantic attachment and expectations have changed.
The author recommends ending the relationship and seeking a partner available for commitment, while acknowledging that either staying or leaving may involve loss.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI’ve found myself in a situation I never expected. I’m a university student, and not long after I started, I met a man I connected with instantly. He’s older and married, but in an open relationship with his wife.
We only became lovers after I received clear reassurance from her that it was okay. For a while, everything felt good. We were just friends with benefits, and it worked.
\nThen I went home for Christmas. It wasn’t a great trip, and I often called him for support. Around the same time, his wife started seeing another man. He was happy for her and saw it as a positive step.
When that relationship ended, everything changed. She became unhappy, moody, angry, and bitter and they started arguing more often. He told her she could go anywhere in the world to figure out what she wanted, and that he would be there when she returned.
\nThings didn’t go as planned. When I came back from visiting my family, he and I spent the weekend together. Afterward, when he returned home, his wife told him she wanted a separation and moved out. That’s when I became his emotional support.
\nI don’t mind because I care about him deeply. Lately, he keeps saying he wishes his wife were more like me: happier, more stable, and emotionally stronger. She eventually came back, although the fighting never stopped. Sometimes she disappears for days without telling him where she is. During one of their arguments, she told him she only married him because she thought he would change.
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I love him. I know he loves me too. We’re best friends. We read each other’s writing, spend weekends walking around the city, go shopping together, and stay in touch throughout the day. Our communication is strong.
\nAlthough we’ve never labeled it, what we share already feels like a romantic relationship. Part of me, the jealous part, wants his relationship with his wife to end. I want to be with him. I believe our connection is stronger than what he has with her. At the same time, I know that if they separated, he would be heartbroken. I do not want that for him.
\nEven if they did break up, there is no guarantee we would become a couple. I feel unsure about what to do. He is my closest friend and knows everything about me. I do not want to lose that. At the same time, I do not want to get hurt.
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Answer
Ann LandersWhile sex itself may be something that adults can share across multiple partners (at least some people seem to be able to pull this off without serious repercussions), you can’t mix sex with love and expect to share partners. An intimate loving relationship is most always a jealous thing, and not something that can easily be shared with third parties.
\nYou did a stupid thing by getting into a relationship with a married man, no matter that his sexual relationship with his wife was ‘open’. You might have been able to be a sex partner with this guy and not be bothered by the wife, but there is no way you’re were ever going to feel good about the wife being there once you had feelings for the guy.
\nYou probably could have anticipated this if you had been thinking clearly. But don’t be too hard on yourself. Nobody thinks clearly in these situations. In general, people don’t think clearly. The result of your lack of forethought is that you have set yourself up to get hurt. Your choices now revolve mostly around how you want to get hurt.
\nEssentially: do you want to experience the pain of being in a relationship with a guy who won’t commit to you, or do you want the pain of being apart from a man you love, (with the not inconsiderable consolation prize of knowing you respect yourself enough to not let yourself be taken advantage of for too long). Your choice, and one to ponder.
If you want my advice, however, I’d say you’re far better off in the long run dumping this guy and seeking a new boyfriend who is unencumbered and willing to commit.
Subject matter expert
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Relationships and marriage counseling
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