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Summary
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A parent questions an adult son’s account of childhood abuse amid conflict involving his biological father and stepfather. The son has Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and bipolar diagnoses, and the parent wonders whether memories could have become confused.
The response discusses memory distortion as one possibility but cannot establish what occurred.
It focuses on emotional support and psychotherapy for the son rather than attributing the allegation to his diagnoses; the summary does not resolve the accuracy of the reported event.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldMy son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 12, and three years later, at 15, he received a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. He is currently being treated with medication.
\nFor context: I divorced his father, who is also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and was abusive, when my son was 7. Two years later, I remarried.
Since the divorce, my ex-husband has consistently tried to undermine my new husband and I in front of our three children. He frequently questioned them about potential abuse, told them they didn’t have to respect or accept their stepfather, and actively tried to erode the relationship we were trying to build as a blended family.
\nLaw enforcement and Child Protective Services were at our home nearly every other week, responding to my ex-husband’s reports. Each time, after speaking with our children, they found no evidence of wrongdoing and apologized for the disruption.
\nFour years ago, my ex remarried. Since then, he’s had minimal contact with his children, who are now 23, 20, and 18. Although he occasionally called for summer visits or holiday breaks, the connection has been weak at best. My youngest, in particular, has struggled with feeling like an afterthought to his father’s new family. He craves even the smallest sign of attention from him.
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Which brings me to a deeply troubling moment. Last night, my son (now 18) told me that when he was 10, my husband (his step-father) punched him and threw him across the room. He says he has kept it a secret until now. This claim doesn’t align with anything I remember, nor with what law enforcement and CPS found during their many visits.
If something so serious had happened, I believe he would have told someone: me, a caseworker, the police, or at the very least, his father, who would not have let such an accusation go unanswered.
\nWhat deeply concerns me is that this scenario mirrors behavior his father has actually exhibited. Could my son, in seeking closeness or loyalty to a distant father, have unconsciously transferred this painful memory onto his stepfather?
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.There is a concept in psychology called “confabulation” where two similar memories become combined into one memory but with lots of distortions. This does not happen voluntarily and is, in fact, very common. Therefore, it is possible that your son has confabulated or combined his memories of his father with those of his stepfather.
\nIt is important for you to understand that it is unlikely that you will ever get to the factual truth about this and that, in the end, it really makes no difference.
Your son is 18 years old and what did or did not happen during his childhood is in the past. Anyway, each of us remembers the past differently and families are famous for getting into arguments over remembered events because each family member has a variation of the memory.
\nIt is both sad and upsetting that this young man is not able to feel close to his biological father. I would assume that he feels rejected by his dad and resentful and jealous of his newer family. There is nothing much you can do about this except be warm, loving and accepting of your son.
\nI doubt very much that any of these memories are related to ADHD or Bipolar Disorder except that his father’s rejection could be a source of depression.
\nIf he is not in psychotherapy it would probably help him to start seeing someone so that he can begin to deal with these emotional issues. Medication for Bipolar or ADD is not the same as psychotherapy but, with those diagnoses, it is a good idea for him anyway.
\nLove your son and be close to him and do not worry about this childhood memory.
\nGood luck to you.
Subject matter expert
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Trauma-informed psychology
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