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Summary
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A reader describes a boyfriend’s increasingly irrational accusations of infidelity, an assault, and threats of self-harm. They feel frightened and exhausted and want to understand the behavior.
The response emphasizes that the reported violence is a serious warning sign and that repeatedly denying the accusations may not resolve the boyfriend’s fixed suspicions.
It places the reader’s safety ahead of trying to persuade him and advises leaving the relationship, while discussing the danger already demonstrated by his behavior.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI believe my boyfriend may be experiencing delusional jealousy. We have been together for over a year, and while jealousy has always been an issue, it has become significantly worse and now violent.
\nHe constantly interrogates me about my whereabouts and accuses me of sleeping with people I have never even met, sometimes even claiming I have been with his own family members, like his brother, cousins, or father. The accusations are completely irrational and baseless.
\nThese outbursts often come out of nowhere. On multiple occasions, he has woken me from sleep, demanding to know where I have been, even though I have not gone anywhere.
He sometimes invents stories, saying he \"saw\" me do things that never happened. He questions every interaction I have with men and frequently makes up events that are total fabrications. This leads me to believe he may also be a compulsive liar.
\nI have never been unfaithful to him. I suspect his behavior stems from past relationships where others may have betrayed him, which might be fuelling his paranoia.
\nStill, the escalation has become dangerous. The situation turned violent recently and he was arrested for assault. That night, nothing I said could get through to him.
\nHe later admitted he feels powerless when these thoughts take over and he has even talked about harming himself because of his imagined suspicions.
\nI am frightened and emotionally drained. Any insight or guidance would be appreciated.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Delusional jealousy, as with any delusion, does not respond to reason or logic. I am sure you are telling the truth when you say that you are faithful. However, his head is filled with unrealistic thoughts that make no sense. The fact that he is becoming violent is a red flag that you need to pay attention to.
\nSimply put, the fact that his thinking is so irrational puts you in danger of being harmed. It’s a no win situation for you. By denying being with anyone else can make him more angry because all he knows are his own thoughts and imaginings. The more you deny the more he thinks you are lying. That is why you are in danger of being abused by him.
\nYou see, his thinking is paranoid and there is no reasoning with a paranoid person. Paranoia makes people not only suspicious but potentially violent, too, and that is starting to happen.
\nIn my opinion, since you are not married, you would be best off leaving this relationship. It can hold only grief for you in the future as it already does in the present.
If you do not want to become a statistic of another woman being abused get away now. Please heed the warning signs and understand what you can expect if you stay with him.
\nBest of luck.
Subject matter expert
Clinical social work and chronic mental illness
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