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Summary
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A reader has discovered a partner’s frequent pornography use, including material they believe may involve minors, and is uncertain about continuing the relationship. The partner promised to stop but attended only a few counseling sessions.
The response discusses the difficulty of changing a repeated pornography-use pattern and the relationship questions raised by secrecy, broken confidence, and differing expectations.
It recommends sustained couples counseling to talk openly about the behavior, its effect on the relationship, and whether both partners can find a way forward; it does not offer a guaranteed outcome.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI've been dating \"Drew\" for almost three years. About a year and a half ago, I discovered he was watching internet porn nearly every day, mostly gay content, and some of it appeared to involve underage individuals.
\nWhen I confronted him, he admitted to it and promised to stop. He even agreed to counseling but only attended a few sessions.
\nI still don't trust him.
\nIs this something he can actually stop on his own?
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Answer
Mark Vigil Dombeck, Ph.D.No. Getting someone off of porn is probably comparable to getting someone off junk food. Both junk food and porn satisfy hungers but have no nutritive content. We eat junk food because we crave the taste, not because we like the health effects that accompany it.
\nSimilarly, men use porn because they crave the visual and sexual stimulation it packs, even though they may understand rationally how empty it ends up being in the long run. It is unlikely that it will be easy for your boyfriend “Drew” to stop porn cold turkey without continuing to experience cravings. It can be done, and many men do it, but it isn’t all that easy for most men to do it.
\nThere is the issue of the porn use being homosexual in orientation. This strongly suggests an added wrinkle: that your boyfriend has homosexual fantasies and/or tendencies and may be bisexual or homosexual in orientation.
He may not have actually acted out these tendencies but if they are there, they won’t go away. They would be a part of his natural biologically fixed sexual orientation and no more subject to change than are your own desires.
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As for the child angle, it all depends on just how young we are talking about. So long as the boys in the images have reached sexual maturity, I wouldn’t worry about “Drew” being a pedophile, but if they are pre-pubescent in character then some serious red flags should go off.
\nSo there are multiple issues here. How hurt are you that “Drew” has been using porn? Can you forgive him? How threatened are you by the porn use? Will you be comfortable trusting him as you move forward? If he slipped and used porn again (which is not unlikely) would that crush you? How comfortable are you with the idea that “Drew” may be bisexual?
\nMy suggestion to you is that the both of you get into couples counseling together and stay in it for several months of weekly sessions.
\nIf your relationship is to survive, you’ll have to find a way to trust him again, and him you. You’ll have to find a way to come to terms with the hidden appetites you’ve learned about, and you’ll have to see whether you can still love such a man without feeling ashamed or shaming him for having them.
A counselor can help you talk openly about these charged issues in a safe manner. Good luck to you in sorting it all out.
Subject matter expert
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Sex therapy and sexual compulsivity counseling
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