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Answers

Can we have a future if his ex is still around?

\"\"Written byAnn Landers\"\"Medically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D.
Published
Updated
Reviewed

Summary

\"Two

A reader discovered that a boyfriend continues a sexual relationship with an ex while promising a future together. They ask whether patiently waiting will lead him to choose an exclusive relationship.

The response says his future choices cannot be predicted, but highlights the difference between his definition of friendship and the reader’s expectations.

It emphasizes that the reader can ask clearly for exclusivity and decide whether to leave if those needs are not met, rather than assuming time alone will change an arrangement that currently suits him.

?

Question

Reader · Identity withheld

My boyfriend and I have been in a warm, caring relationship for about 13 months. We have a lot in common: travel, values, and life goals and we’ve been talking about our future together in the next 2 to 3 years.

\n

Before we met, he had already ended things with his ex. He told me they were just friends but eight months into our relationship I found out that she still comes over sometimes to do a specific kinky sexual favor for him. I was shocked and upset.

\n

He says he doesn’t want to lose me and that I have wonderful qualities that he never found in his ex and that he still wants to build a future with me. He also says he’s known his ex for about seven years and can’t just cut her off completely.

\n

I’m trying to be patient and not let jealousy take over. I keep hoping this situation will end soon and that he’ll fully choose me but I wonder: is he still in love with her? Will he decide their history matters more than what we have? Is he truly sincere and planning a future with me where she’s no longer involved?

\"\"

Answer

Ann Landers

There is no way to tell for sure what your boyfriend will do in the future. However, it is clear that his definition of “friend” is substantially different than your own.

\n

Your boyfriend is currently having his cake and eating it too. He gets the kinky sex he wants from his ex and then goes back to you for warmth and caring. His needs are being met fairly well right now. Why on earth would he be motivated to give up either of you under these circumstances?

\n

Think about it – the chances are low that your “waiting around” strategy will result in his seeing the light and breaking off contact with his ex. I don’t for a minute buy his excuse about how his history with his ex requires him to continue to remain in contact with her.

\n

People break off contact with ex-lovers every day – when they are motivated to do so. He isn’t. The real issue here is how long it will take before you understand that you have a right to have your own needs met – including your need for exclusivity with the man you love. It is okay to ask him for this – and to leave him if he won’t give you what you need. Have strength.

\n

– Anne

Subject matter expert

\"\"

Carlos Protzel Psy.D.

Integrative mental health care

View profile
\"\"
Author

Ann Landers

Ann Landers was the leading advice columnist for 47 years, with her widely syndicated columns reaching 90 million readers worldwide.

\"\"
Medical reviewer

Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.

Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical and somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience in neuropsychology, specializing in integrative, mind-body…

\"\"

Related community

Relationships

Connect around communication, closeness, boundaries, and the relationships that matter to you.

Related questions

Why do I feel uncomfortable around my boyfriend?Why does my boyfriend still have photos of his ex?Why does my boyfriend still have pictures of his ex-girlfriend?
","text":"Home Answers Can we have a future if his ex is still around? AnswersCan we have a future if his ex is still around? Written byAnn LandersMedically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D. Published July 16, 2025 Updated June 13, 2026 Reviewed September 15, 2025 SummaryQuestionAnswer Summary A reader discovered that a boyfriend continues a sexual relationship with an ex while promising a future together. They ask whether patiently waiting will lead him to choose an exclusive relationship. The response says his future choices cannot be predicted, but highlights the difference between his definition of friendship and the reader’s expectations. It emphasizes that the reader can ask clearly for exclusivity and decide whether to leave if those needs are not met, rather than assuming time alone will change an arrangement that currently suits him. ? Question Reader · Identity withheld My boyfriend and I have been in a warm, caring relationship for about 13 months. We have a lot in common: travel, values, and life goals and we’ve been talking about our future together in the next 2 to 3 years. Before we met, he had already ended things with his ex. He told me they were just friends but eight months into our relationship I found out that she still comes over sometimes to do a specific kinky sexual favor for him. I was shocked and upset. He says he doesn’t want to lose me and that I have wonderful qualities that he never found in his ex and that he still wants to build a future with me. He also says he’s known his ex for about seven years and can’t just cut her off completely. I’m trying to be patient and not let jealousy take over. I keep hoping this situation will end soon and that he’ll fully choose me but I wonder: is he still in love with her? Will he decide their history matters more than what we have? Is he truly sincere and planning a future with me where she’s no longer involved? Answer Ann Landers There is no way to tell for sure what your boyfriend will do in the future. However, it is clear that his definition of “friend” is substantially different than your own. Your boyfriend is currently having his cake and eating it too. He gets the kinky sex he wants from his ex and then goes back to you for warmth and caring. His needs are being met fairly well right now. Why on earth would he be motivated to give up either of you under these circumstances? Think about it – the chances are low that your “waiting around” strategy will result in his seeing the light and breaking off contact with his ex. I don’t for a minute buy his excuse about how his history with his ex requires him to continue to remain in contact with her. People break off contact with ex-lovers every day – when they are motivated to do so. He isn’t. The real issue here is how long it will take before you understand that you have a right to have your own needs met – including your need for exclusivity with the man you love. It is okay to ask him for this – and to leave him if he won’t give you what you need. Have strength. – Anne Subject matter expert Carlos Protzel Psy.D. Integrative mental health care View profile AuthorAnn Landers Ann Landers was the leading advice columnist for 47 years, with her widely syndicated columns reaching 90 million readers worldwide. Medical reviewerJesse Hanson, Ph.D. Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical and somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience in neuropsychology, specializing in integrative, mind-body… Related community Relationships Connect around communication, closeness, boundaries, and the relationships that matter to you. 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My boyfriend and I have been in a warm, caring relationship for about 13 months. We have a lot in common: travel, values, and life goals and we’ve been talking about our future together in the next 2 to 3 years.

\n

Before we met, he had already ended things with his ex. He told me they were just friends but eight months into our relationship I found out that she still comes over sometimes to do a specific kinky sexual favor for him. I was shocked and upset.

\n

He says he doesn’t want to lose me and that I have wonderful qualities that he never found in his ex and that he still wants to build a future with me. He also says he’s known his ex for about seven years and can’t just cut her off completely.

\n

I’m trying to be patient and not let jealousy take over. I keep hoping this situation will end soon and that he’ll fully choose me but I wonder: is he still in love with her? Will he decide their history matters more than what we have? Is he truly sincere and planning a future with me where she’s no longer involved?

","text":"My boyfriend and I have been in a warm, caring relationship for about 13 months. We have a lot in common: travel, values, and life goals and we’ve been talking about our future together in the next 2 to 3 years. Before we met, he had already ended things with his ex. He told me they were just friends but eight months into our relationship I found out that she still comes over sometimes to do a specific kinky sexual favor for him. I was shocked and upset. He says he doesn’t want to lose me and that I have wonderful qualities that he never found in his ex and that he still wants to build a future with me. He also says he’s known his ex for about seven years and can’t just cut her off completely. I’m trying to be patient and not let jealousy take over. I keep hoping this situation will end soon and that he’ll fully choose me but I wonder: is he still in love with her? Will he decide their history matters more than what we have? Is he truly sincere and planning a future with me where she’s no longer involved?"},"answer":{"id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/having-cake-and-eating-it-too#answer","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/having-cake-and-eating-it-too#answer","html":"

There is no way to tell for sure what your boyfriend will do in the future. However, it is clear that his definition of “friend” is substantially different than your own.

\n

Your boyfriend is currently having his cake and eating it too. He gets the kinky sex he wants from his ex and then goes back to you for warmth and caring. His needs are being met fairly well right now. Why on earth would he be motivated to give up either of you under these circumstances?

\n

Think about it – the chances are low that your “waiting around” strategy will result in his seeing the light and breaking off contact with his ex. I don’t for a minute buy his excuse about how his history with his ex requires him to continue to remain in contact with her.

\n

People break off contact with ex-lovers every day – when they are motivated to do so. He isn’t. The real issue here is how long it will take before you understand that you have a right to have your own needs met – including your need for exclusivity with the man you love. It is okay to ask him for this – and to leave him if he won’t give you what you need. Have strength.

\n

– Anne

","text":"There is no way to tell for sure what your boyfriend will do in the future. However, it is clear that his definition of “friend” is substantially different than your own. Your boyfriend is currently having his cake and eating it too. He gets the kinky sex he wants from his ex and then goes back to you for warmth and caring. His needs are being met fairly well right now. Why on earth would he be motivated to give up either of you under these circumstances? Think about it – the chances are low that your “waiting around” strategy will result in his seeing the light and breaking off contact with his ex. I don’t for a minute buy his excuse about how his history with his ex requires him to continue to remain in contact with her. People break off contact with ex-lovers every day – when they are motivated to do so. He isn’t. The real issue here is how long it will take before you understand that you have a right to have your own needs met – including your need for exclusivity with the man you love. It is okay to ask him for this – and to leave him if he won’t give you what you need. Have strength. – Anne","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/anne-landers#person","name":"Ann Landers","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/anne-landers"}},"summaryScope":"Editorial overview of the original question and response; original review dates apply to the source conversation."},"presentation":{"updatedAt":"2026-10-03","template":"answer-conversation","imageGeneratedAt":"2026-10-03"},"seo":{"title":"Can we have a future if his ex is still around?","description":"A reader discovered that a boyfriend continues a sexual relationship with an ex while promising a future together.","canonical":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/having-cake-and-eating-it-too","robots":"index,follow","socialImage":{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/f7d19272dd5d30590dddbab9.png","width":1200,"height":630,"alt":"MentalHealth.com — Answers","type":"image/png","sitemapGroup":"answers"}},"subjectMatterExpert":{"name":"Carlos Protzel, Psy.D.","url":"/people/carlos-protzel","profileId":"13151","topic":"wellbeing","focus":"Integrative mental health care","selectionBasis":"Documented expertise in the existing published profile","reviewAttribution":false},"navigation":[{"label":"Summary","href":"#summary"},{"label":"Question","href":"#question"},{"label":"Answer","href":"#answer"}],"relatedCommunity":{"community":"/community/relationships","basis":"topic match"},"collections":[]}