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Summary
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A reader feels dissatisfied with a boyfriend’s limited intimacy, lack of compliments, and refusal to share household tasks. They want clarity about whether there is a medical issue or an unequal relationship.
The response cannot determine the cause of the boyfriend’s low desire and suggests that he could choose a medical evaluation to investigate possible health factors.
It validates the reader’s concerns and recommends calm, specific discussion of both partners’ needs and possible couples counseling; if nothing changes, the reader may need to reconsider the relationship.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldMy boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and I am very fearful about our future.
\nFirst, let me state that I truly do not believe that he is cheating. He has zero sex drive, he can go weeks (5-6) without wanting sex. This is still a new relationship and I want him, I want the intimacy. When we do have sex I feel like it is strictly business with him and I always have to perform oral sex first.
\nHe has never touched me down there or performed oral sex on me. In fact, the average time that it takes him is maybe 2-3 minutes. This is not working for me. I am getting angry and resentful.
\nThe reason I am getting resentful is I am starting to believe that he may just be that selfish. I’ve been living with this man for 5 months now and not one single time has he helped me clean the house or even washed one dish or completed one load of clothes.
He will not even get up and fix himself something to drink or eat because he expects me to do it. He kept a clean house while we were dating, even though I am sure he never cooked for himself.
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He will wake up hours after me and my son get up and expect me to drop everything to cook him something to eat or go get him something for him to eat.
\nHe works and I know that he works very hard. But, outside of work he is the laziest person I know. I have a very hard time with this, Dr. Schwartz, because I have worked a full time job, gone to school full time, and raised a child by myself, all while fighting breast cancer.
Trust me, at times I wished I had someone there to just bathe my son one time or fix him something to drink but no one was there to help.
\nMy boyfriend really takes advantage of me. In fact, I have asked him several times if he just wants a roommate or servant rather than a girlfriend. I do not mean to sound petty but, he never tells me that I am pretty or sexy or any of the things that women NEED to hear. There are strangers who have complimented me better than he does.
\nI have talked to an ex girlfriend of his and she said that he was the same way with her about sex. He is 35 years old and I have never met a man who doesn’t want sex or to even please their partner.
Most men I have known judge themselves by how much they can please their partner. What really confuses me is that when we are riding in the car or just hanging out around the house he will tease me through my clothes but when we go to bed he just turns his back to me.
\nI do not see myself living the rest of my life like this because I want love and loving. I have been given a second chance at life that some women do not get and I want to be happy.
\nPlease, any advice or clarity you may give will be greatly appreciated and reflected upon.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Let me assure you that you do not sound petty in wanting to be complimented. Basic to any relationship is wanting to know you are appreciated by your partner while knowing that he finds you sexy.
\nFor some reason this is not happening. There is no way I can say whether your boyfriend is lazy, has a sexual problem, is depressed or has something wrong with him, either physical or psychological.
It might be a good idea for him to see his physician in order to rule out any medical problems that might be interfering with his sexual drive. However, that is obiously something he would have to agree to.
\nBased on the fact that you have asked him if he wants a roomate or a girl friend, I am assuming you have discussed your complaints, sexual and otherwise, with him and that he just does not change. If you have not had these discussions it is vital you begin to do so.
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In terms of discussing these problems, does he know that you also want oral sex? Does he know that you want much more frequent love making and that you want it to last much longer than it is up until now? Have you discussed the fact that you need his help around the house? Have you told him that he never compliments you?
\nTo clarify, having these discussions does not mean accusing, yelling or having arguements. It does mean sharing feelings and taking turns speaking and listening. Remember, he may also have complaints and it is equally important for you to learn what is happening with him as well as he with you.
\nA factor to consider is going for couples counseling in an effort to work through these problems. In the end, if nothing changes, you may have to end this relationship. I agree that you have a right to a fully intimate and happy life with your partner. If it is not possible with this man then you have to move on.
\nThere is nothing unreasonable about your complaints or the things you are looking for in a man.
\nBest of Luck
Subject matter expert
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Relationships and sexual identity
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