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Summary
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A reader believed counseling had helped a marriage recover from an affair, but discovers continued contact and financial support for the other person. They fear confronting the deception may lead to separation.
The response interprets the continued secrecy as inconsistent with the apparent reconciliation and recognizes why the situation feels depressing.
It presents a difficult choice between remaining silent and bringing the issue into the open, acknowledging the risks and practical constraints while expressing the writer’s view that a direct discussion may be necessary.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldMy husband has been having an affair for two years. We have since been to counseling and concluded that we want to stay and grow together in our marriage. We did beautifully in counseling, our communication was great and he said all the “right” things. Now we spend a great deal of special time together along with our two children.
\nHe tells me how much he loves and needs me, and that he is so happy with our closeness. I love the attention I am receiving and our relationship appears to be heading in the right direction. So what is my problem you ask?
\nHe is still deceiving me. Unknowing to him I have been monitoring his mobile phone bill and he is still calling her three times a day.
\nHe is also still paying for some of her bills. (I know, I am deceiving him by spying). When I ask him if he is still in contact with her he denies everything, straight faced and with heartfelt sincerity.
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He tells me I shouldn’t be bothered with rumors because people are just trying to hurt us. He called her while we were on vacation together. I was ready to forgive and move on with our lives but I don’t know how to deal with all the lies and deception.
\nHe has all of his important mail sent to a P.O. Box because once I opened a credit statement of his and he came unglued. He said I have no right and that I have violated him. He almost moved out because he can’t handle my prying into his personal business. Every time I look I find something.
\nI’m afraid that if I present him with the proof of his lying we will have a repeat episode of him leaving and I’m not ready to deal with that. I hate myself for being so weak.
I have been on anti-depressants since I found out about his affair and now I believe I will never get off knowing what I know. We have been married ten years. I know he loves me but I am so confused. What is he up to?
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Answer
Ann LandersThere is something just offensive and foul-smelling about your husband’s behavior. It would seem that he is up to continuing his affair and staying married to you at the same time. What are you up to is the better question. Of course you are depressed.
\nYour situation is depressing!!! The vital spirit of your marriage has died and you remain clinging to the shell! The way I see it you can either remain silent (and depressed) or you can bring this out into the open, risking your husband leaving you and your being on your own (for a time). Neither of these are easy choices and I won’t judge you for going in either direction.
\nBut, if there are no truly insurmountable financial or other reasons for why you can’t risk being on your own, I’d say you owe it to the part of you that can’t stand the odor anymore to clear the air.
Subject matter expert
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Relationships and marriage counseling
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