{"formatVersion":"1.1","id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband","path":"/answers/most-likely-gay-husband","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband","title":"What should I do if I suspect my husband is gay?","family":"Answers detail","description":"A reader’s husband has repeatedly had affairs with men despite promises to stop. They are considering divorce but worry about the effect on their two children.","language":"en-US","access":{"audience":"public","indexable":true},"provenance":{"sourceUrl":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband","wordpressId":"6216","contentCompleteness":"complete","dateScope":"original-source"},"authors":[{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/allan-schwartz#person","name":"Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/allan-schwartz"}],"reviewer":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson#person","name":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson"},"dates":{"datePublished":"2024-06-01T00:35:14Z","dateModified":"2026-06-05T15:14:06Z","lastReviewed":"2025-09-15"},"content":{"html":"
Answers

What should I do if I suspect my husband is gay?

\"\"Written byAllan Schwartz, Ph.D.\"\"Medically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D.
Published
Updated
Reviewed

Content note: Some readers may find parts of this discussion sensitive.

Summary

\"A

A reader’s husband has repeatedly had affairs with men despite promises to stop. They are considering divorce but worry about the effect on their two children.

The response speculates that the husband may be gay but treats the central issue as repeated infidelity and damage to the marriage, rather than making orientation a confirmed fact.

It validates the reader’s uncertainty and says only they can judge whether the relationship can be repaired, encouraging support from a counselor or someone safe while considering the options.

?

Question

Reader · Identity withheld

I really need advice, please. My husband of 10 years had cheated on my 4 different times with 4 different men. I feel I just can not stay in this marriage any more. After the first time and I caught him, he swore he would never do it again and begged for forgiveness. I granted such and now he has done it 3 more times.

\n

I just don’t trust him at all and always wonder what he is really doing when he goes out (which is frequently). Am I crazy to be seeking a divorce for this? We have a son 7 1/2 and a daughter 2 – I would NEVER want to hurt them through any of this. They mean the world to me. Please help if you can.

\"\"

Answer

Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.

I’m sure you realize this, at least at some level, but it is very likely that you are married to a gay man. If he is in fact gay, this is not his fault or your fault; he was born that way.

\n

Our culture makes it so difficult for gay people to feel okay about being gay that many never come to grips with it in early adulthood and end up getting married in the ‘straight’ custom. Some of these marriages last just fine, and others implode when the partner’s gay sexual preferences just can’t be denied anymore.

\n

Your husband is committing adultery, for sure, and that is a terrible breach of trust. However, if he is gay in a straight marriage, it’s a little for me to cut him some slack than it would be for a straight adulterer in a straight marriage.

\n

Think about how motivated you might be to find a straight partner if you were living in a gay marriage. Sexuality aside, what this is ultimately about for you is probably that your trust, and your marriage are damaged. Only you can judge whether the damage is irreparable.

\n

Given the data, I don’t blame you for not trusting him, and no one would blame you for leaving the marriage. In fact, if he is gay and being cowardly about it, he might be acting out so as to provoke you to be the ‘bad guy’ and end the marriage for him.

\n

Find yourself someone safe to talk all this out with (a counselor, a trusted family member or friend, etc.) and do what you can to figure out what you have to do given your circumstances. Be gentle with yourself but don’t be afraid to be strong if that is what is called for. Good luck.

Subject matter expert

\"\"

Ondina Nandine Hatvany

Relationships and sexual identity

View profile
\"\"
Author

Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.

Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D., is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 30 years of private practice experience.

\"\"
Medical reviewer

Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.

Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical and somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience in neuropsychology, specializing in integrative, mind-body…

\"\"

Related community

Marriage

A space for perspectives on partnership, communication, and the changing experiences of married life.

Related questions

How can I save my 37-year marriage with my bipolar husband?How do I deal with a slobby husband?Should I stay with a lying husband?
","text":"Home Answers What should I do if I suspect my husband is gay? AnswersWhat should I do if I suspect my husband is gay? Written byAllan Schwartz, Ph.D.Medically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D. Published June 1, 2024 Updated June 5, 2026 Reviewed September 15, 2025 Content note: Some readers may find parts of this discussion sensitive. SummaryQuestionAnswer Summary A reader’s husband has repeatedly had affairs with men despite promises to stop. They are considering divorce but worry about the effect on their two children. The response speculates that the husband may be gay but treats the central issue as repeated infidelity and damage to the marriage, rather than making orientation a confirmed fact. It validates the reader’s uncertainty and says only they can judge whether the relationship can be repaired, encouraging support from a counselor or someone safe while considering the options. ? Question Reader · Identity withheld I really need advice, please. My husband of 10 years had cheated on my 4 different times with 4 different men. I feel I just can not stay in this marriage any more. After the first time and I caught him, he swore he would never do it again and begged for forgiveness. I granted such and now he has done it 3 more times. I just don’t trust him at all and always wonder what he is really doing when he goes out (which is frequently). Am I crazy to be seeking a divorce for this? We have a son 7 1/2 and a daughter 2 – I would NEVER want to hurt them through any of this. They mean the world to me. Please help if you can. Answer Allan Schwartz, Ph.D. I’m sure you realize this, at least at some level, but it is very likely that you are married to a gay man. If he is in fact gay, this is not his fault or your fault; he was born that way. Our culture makes it so difficult for gay people to feel okay about being gay that many never come to grips with it in early adulthood and end up getting married in the ‘straight’ custom. Some of these marriages last just fine, and others implode when the partner’s gay sexual preferences just can’t be denied anymore. Your husband is committing adultery, for sure, and that is a terrible breach of trust. However, if he is gay in a straight marriage, it’s a little for me to cut him some slack than it would be for a straight adulterer in a straight marriage. Think about how motivated you might be to find a straight partner if you were living in a gay marriage. Sexuality aside, what this is ultimately about for you is probably that your trust, and your marriage are damaged. Only you can judge whether the damage is irreparable. Given the data, I don’t blame you for not trusting him, and no one would blame you for leaving the marriage. In fact, if he is gay and being cowardly about it, he might be acting out so as to provoke you to be the ‘bad guy’ and end the marriage for him. Find yourself someone safe to talk all this out with (a counselor, a trusted family member or friend, etc.) and do what you can to figure out what you have to do given your circumstances. Be gentle with yourself but don’t be afraid to be strong if that is what is called for. Good luck. Subject matter expert Ondina Nandine Hatvany Relationships and sexual identity View profile AuthorAllan Schwartz, Ph.D. Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D., is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 30 years of private practice experience. Medical reviewerJesse Hanson, Ph.D. Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical and somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience in neuropsychology, specializing in integrative, mind-body… Related community Marriage A space for perspectives on partnership, communication, and the changing experiences of married life. Related questions How can I save my 37-year marriage with my bipolar husband?How do I deal with a slobby husband?Should I stay with a lying husband?","wordCount":682},"schema":{"@context":"https://schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Organization","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/#organization","name":"MentalHealth.com","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/","publishingPrinciples":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/publishing/editorial-policy"},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/#website","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/","name":"MentalHealth.com","inLanguage":"en-US","publisher":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/#organization"}},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Answers","item":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"What should I do if I suspect my husband is gay?","item":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband"}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#primaryimage","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/44f4cd658cb13f8e723b98f4.webp","contentUrl":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/44f4cd658cb13f8e723b98f4.webp","width":1000,"height":667,"encodingFormat":"image/webp","caption":"A parent reflects at a kitchen table beside a family album."},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/allan-schwartz#person","name":"Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/allan-schwartz","jobTitle":"LCSW, Ph.D.","image":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/3f1145a76c69b3ca318ecb8b.jpg","memberOf":[{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/publishing#department"}]},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson#person","name":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson","jobTitle":"Clinical Affairs Director","image":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/73305651cb93afbdebb69a9a.jpg","sameAs":["https://www.linkedin.com/in/jesse-hanson-phd-7215216/"],"memberOf":[{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/clinical-affairs#department"},{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/leadership#department"}]},{"@type":"Article","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#article","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband","headline":"What should I do if I suspect my husband is gay?","description":"A reader’s husband has repeatedly had affairs with men despite promises to stop. They are considering divorce but worry about the effect on their two children.","wordCount":514,"mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#webpage"},"publisher":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/#organization"},"articleSection":"Answers","inLanguage":"en-US","author":[{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/allan-schwartz#person"}],"image":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#primaryimage"},"hasPart":[{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#question"},{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#answer"}],"datePublished":"2024-06-01T00:35:14Z","dateModified":"2026-06-05T15:14:06Z"},{"@type":"Question","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#question","name":"What should I do if I suspect my husband is gay?","text":"I really need advice, please. My husband of 10 years had cheated on my 4 different times with 4 different men. I feel I just can not stay in this marriage any more. After the first time and I caught him, he swore he would never do it again and begged for forgiveness. I granted such and now he has done it 3 more times. I just don’t trust him at all and always wonder what he is really doing when he goes out (which is frequently). Am I crazy to be seeking a divorce for this? We have a son 7 1/2 and a daughter 2 – I would NEVER want to hurt them through any of this. They mean the world to me. Please help if you can.","acceptedAnswer":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#answer"},"inLanguage":"en-US","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#question","answerCount":1},{"@type":"Answer","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#answer","text":"I’m sure you realize this, at least at some level, but it is very likely that you are married to a gay man. If he is in fact gay, this is not his fault or your fault; he was born that way. Our culture makes it so difficult for gay people to feel okay about being gay that many never come to grips with it in early adulthood and end up getting married in the ‘straight’ custom. Some of these marriages last just fine, and others implode when the partner’s gay sexual preferences just can’t be denied anymore. Your husband is committing adultery, for sure, and that is a terrible breach of trust. However, if he is gay in a straight marriage, it’s a little for me to cut him some slack than it would be for a straight adulterer in a straight marriage. Think about how motivated you might be to find a straight partner if you were living in a gay marriage. Sexuality aside, what this is ultimately about for you is probably that your trust, and your marriage are damaged. Only you can judge whether the damage is irreparable. Given the data, I don’t blame you for not trusting him, and no one would blame you for leaving the marriage. In fact, if he is gay and being cowardly about it, he might be acting out so as to provoke you to be the ‘bad guy’ and end the marriage for him. Find yourself someone safe to talk all this out with (a counselor, a trusted family member or friend, etc.) and do what you can to figure out what you have to do given your circumstances. Be gentle with yourself but don’t be afraid to be strong if that is what is called for. Good luck.","author":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/allan-schwartz#person"},"inLanguage":"en-US","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#answer"},{"@type":"MedicalWebPage","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#webpage","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband","name":"What should I do if I suspect my husband is gay?","description":"A reader’s husband has repeatedly had affairs with men despite promises to stop. They are considering divorce but worry about the effect on their two children.","inLanguage":"en-US","isPartOf":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers#webpage"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#breadcrumb"},"mainEntity":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#article"},"publisher":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/#organization"},"medicalAudience":{"@type":"MedicalAudience","audienceType":"General public"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#primaryimage"},"reviewedBy":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson#person"},"datePublished":"2024-06-01T00:35:14Z","dateModified":"2026-06-05T15:14:06Z","lastReviewed":"2025-09-15"}]},"representations":{"html":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband","json":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/data/answers/most-likely-gay-husband.json","jsonLd":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/data/answers/most-likely-gay-husband.ld.json"},"$schema":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/data/page.schema.json","images":[{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/3f1145a76c69b3ca318ecb8b.jpg","alt":"","width":40,"height":40},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/73305651cb93afbdebb69a9a.jpg","alt":"","width":40,"height":40},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/44f4cd658cb13f8e723b98f4.webp","alt":"A parent reflects at a kitchen table beside a family album.","width":1000,"height":667},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/100fb9ab44d2115bbce4e5ca.jpg","alt":"","width":64,"height":64},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/785fd7ff3dc1e8ee0699077b.webp","alt":"","width":1200,"height":633}],"sections":[{"id":"summary-title","title":"Summary","level":2,"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#summary-title"},{"id":"question-person","title":"Question","level":2,"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#question-person"},{"id":"response-person","title":"Answer","level":2,"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#response-person"}],"references":[],"relatedReading":[],"links":[{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/","label":"Home"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers","label":"Answers"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers","label":"Answers"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/allan-schwartz","label":"Written byAllan Schwartz, Ph.D."},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson","label":"Medically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D."},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#summary","label":"Summary"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#question","label":"Question"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#answer","label":"Answer"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/emotional-recovery-after-affair","label":"infidelity"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/allan-schwartz","label":""},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/relationships-support","label":"a trusted family member or friend"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/ondina-hatvany","label":""},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/ondina-hatvany","label":"Ondina Nandine Hatvany"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/ondina-hatvany","label":"View profile"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/allan-schwartz","label":""},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/allan-schwartz","label":"Allan Schwartz, Ph.D."},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson","label":""},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson","label":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D."},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/community/marriage","label":""},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/community/marriage","label":"Marriage"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/trying-to-save-37-years-of-marriage-with-my-bipolar-husband","label":"How can I save my 37-year marriage with my bipolar husband?"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/slobby-husband","label":"How do I deal with a slobby husband?"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/should-i-stay-with-a-lying-husband","label":"Should I stay with a lying husband?"}],"conversation":{"status":"complete","summary":{"question":"A reader’s husband has repeatedly had affairs with men despite promises to stop. They are considering divorce but worry about the effect on their two children.","answer":"The response speculates that the husband may be gay but treats the central issue as repeated infidelity and damage to the marriage, rather than making orientation a confirmed fact. It validates the reader’s uncertainty and says only they can judge whether the relationship can be repaired, encouraging support from a counselor or someone safe while considering the options."},"sourceUrl":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband","sourceReviewer":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson#person","name":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson"},"question":{"id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#question","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#question","html":"

I really need advice, please. My husband of 10 years had cheated on my 4 different times with 4 different men. I feel I just can not stay in this marriage any more. After the first time and I caught him, he swore he would never do it again and begged for forgiveness. I granted such and now he has done it 3 more times.

\n

I just don’t trust him at all and always wonder what he is really doing when he goes out (which is frequently). Am I crazy to be seeking a divorce for this? We have a son 7 1/2 and a daughter 2 – I would NEVER want to hurt them through any of this. They mean the world to me. Please help if you can.

","text":"I really need advice, please. My husband of 10 years had cheated on my 4 different times with 4 different men. I feel I just can not stay in this marriage any more. After the first time and I caught him, he swore he would never do it again and begged for forgiveness. I granted such and now he has done it 3 more times. I just don’t trust him at all and always wonder what he is really doing when he goes out (which is frequently). Am I crazy to be seeking a divorce for this? We have a son 7 1/2 and a daughter 2 – I would NEVER want to hurt them through any of this. They mean the world to me. Please help if you can."},"answer":{"id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#answer","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband#answer","html":"

I’m sure you realize this, at least at some level, but it is very likely that you are married to a gay man. If he is in fact gay, this is not his fault or your fault; he was born that way.

\n

Our culture makes it so difficult for gay people to feel okay about being gay that many never come to grips with it in early adulthood and end up getting married in the ‘straight’ custom. Some of these marriages last just fine, and others implode when the partner’s gay sexual preferences just can’t be denied anymore.

\n

Your husband is committing adultery, for sure, and that is a terrible breach of trust. However, if he is gay in a straight marriage, it’s a little for me to cut him some slack than it would be for a straight adulterer in a straight marriage.

\n

Think about how motivated you might be to find a straight partner if you were living in a gay marriage. Sexuality aside, what this is ultimately about for you is probably that your trust, and your marriage are damaged. Only you can judge whether the damage is irreparable.

\n

Given the data, I don’t blame you for not trusting him, and no one would blame you for leaving the marriage. In fact, if he is gay and being cowardly about it, he might be acting out so as to provoke you to be the ‘bad guy’ and end the marriage for him.

\n

Find yourself someone safe to talk all this out with (a counselor, a trusted family member or friend, etc.) and do what you can to figure out what you have to do given your circumstances. Be gentle with yourself but don’t be afraid to be strong if that is what is called for. Good luck.

","text":"I’m sure you realize this, at least at some level, but it is very likely that you are married to a gay man. If he is in fact gay, this is not his fault or your fault; he was born that way. Our culture makes it so difficult for gay people to feel okay about being gay that many never come to grips with it in early adulthood and end up getting married in the ‘straight’ custom. Some of these marriages last just fine, and others implode when the partner’s gay sexual preferences just can’t be denied anymore. Your husband is committing adultery, for sure, and that is a terrible breach of trust. However, if he is gay in a straight marriage, it’s a little for me to cut him some slack than it would be for a straight adulterer in a straight marriage. Think about how motivated you might be to find a straight partner if you were living in a gay marriage. Sexuality aside, what this is ultimately about for you is probably that your trust, and your marriage are damaged. Only you can judge whether the damage is irreparable. Given the data, I don’t blame you for not trusting him, and no one would blame you for leaving the marriage. In fact, if he is gay and being cowardly about it, he might be acting out so as to provoke you to be the ‘bad guy’ and end the marriage for him. Find yourself someone safe to talk all this out with (a counselor, a trusted family member or friend, etc.) and do what you can to figure out what you have to do given your circumstances. Be gentle with yourself but don’t be afraid to be strong if that is what is called for. Good luck.","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/allan-schwartz#person","name":"Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/allan-schwartz"}},"summaryScope":"Editorial overview of the original question and response; original review dates apply to the source conversation."},"presentation":{"updatedAt":"2026-10-03","template":"answer-conversation","imageGeneratedAt":"2026-10-03"},"seo":{"title":"My husband has affairs with men. What should I do?","description":"A reader’s husband has repeatedly had affairs with men despite promises to stop. They are considering divorce but worry about the effect on their two children.","canonical":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/most-likely-gay-husband","robots":"index,follow","socialImage":{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/f7d19272dd5d30590dddbab9.png","width":1200,"height":630,"alt":"MentalHealth.com — Answers","type":"image/png","sitemapGroup":"answers"}},"subjectMatterExpert":{"name":"Ondina Nandine Hatvany","url":"/people/ondina-hatvany","profileId":"6420","topic":"sexuality","focus":"Relationships and sexual identity","selectionBasis":"Documented expertise in the existing published profile","reviewAttribution":false},"navigation":[{"label":"Summary","href":"#summary"},{"label":"Question","href":"#question"},{"label":"Answer","href":"#answer"}],"relatedCommunity":{"community":"/community/marriage","basis":"topic match"},"collections":[]}