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Summary
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A reader feels a girlfriend’s family relies on her excessively and interferes in their relationship. They see her becoming distressed at home but defensive when they raise concerns.
The response suggests guilt and longstanding family patterns may contribute, explicitly treating its explanation of her past as a guess.
It emphasizes that the reader cannot make her change, proposes couples counseling and honest boundaries about what they can accept, and acknowledges that leaving may become necessary if nothing changes.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldMy girlfriend is 23 and has been through a lot in life. We’ve been together for 11 months, and everything between us has been amazing. We rarely argue about our relationship. Instead, our fights are always about outside issues, mostly involving her family.
\nI feel like she’s a modern-day Cinderella with how they treat her. Her mother depends on her for everything, and she’s the only one in the house who actually does anything. She’s always cleaning up after her mother and her mother’s boyfriend. Her mom, in her early 60s, works part-time, comes home, and does nothing. She rarely cooks and spends most of her time playing games on the computer instead of cleaning. Her mother’s boyfriend, also in his early 60s, works full-time, then supposedly spends his evenings at a bar before coming home trashed and passing out on the sofa. My girlfriend is the only one who takes the time to clean. If she doesn’t, trash piles up for a week, making the whole apartment smell.
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She was very depressed for months after losing a friend, but she’s been getting better. When we’re out, she’s happy and carefree, but when she’s home or around her mother and sister, she becomes more and more depressed. She doesn’t express her frustration to them but vents to me. However, whenever I try to bring it up, she immediately gets defensive because it’s her family.
\nHer family relies on her way too much. Her sister, who is 40, divorced, and has a five-year-old child and a new boyfriend, constantly expects help. When her sister wants to go out, she leaves her child with their mother, who then guilt-trips my girlfriend, claiming she’s too tired or busy with work. My girlfriend, feeling guilty, drops everything to babysit.
\nRight now, we’re in a huge fight because her sister and mother have been making rude comments and interfering in our relationship.
\nHow can I get my girlfriend to listen to how I feel about this situation and how her family treats her, without her getting angry and walking out like she has been? I love her, and I used to love her family until I saw how they were adding to her depression. I don’t want to lose her because of what they are putting us through. Please help.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.You have made your pain and stress very clear. While I will try to provide some ideas and suggestions for you, I believe that there is not much you can do to change the situation. The reason I say this is that is difficult to get another person to change their self destructive behavior, especially when it is driven by guilt.
\nOf course, your girlfriend has done nothing to her family to feel guilty about. You point out that she has been through a lot in life for someone who is only 23 years old. I am guessing that she has experienced a lot of trauma and abuse at home while she was growing up. Amazing as it is, people believe that they deserved the punishment they received because they need to see parents a good people. This may be the case with your girlfriend.
\nYou are correct when you point out that her mother is a master manipulator who treats her very much like “Cinderella.” But, how do you, her “Prince Charming” get her to put on the glass slipper that you offer her?
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Perhaps I am wrong but I cannot help but think that there is not much hope for you in this relationship. Even if you marry her, there is a strong likelihood that she will continue to give her time and attention to her family. That would spell disaster for such a marriage.
\nIf you could get your girlfriend to go to marriage or couple’s counseling there might be some hope. Perhaps through this type of psychotherapy she could begin to understand how important it is for her mental health and happiness to break away from her family.However and in my opinion, if she will not join you in couple’s therapy, there is not much hope. In other words, as much as you love her, you may have to give her up for the sake of your future happiness.
\nBy the way, in addition to getting her to go to counseling, you could let her know that you cannot stay in the relationship unless she stops surrendering to her mother and sister. Do not make an idle threat. You have to really mean it. You can also explain that her mother is responsible for her own apartment and not your girlfriend. Why not ask her to read Cinderella? It might wake her up.
\nIn the end and if nothing works, you may need to suck it up and move on with your life with someone else. It will be hard but it might be necessary.
\nBest of Luck
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