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Answers

How should I deal with my wife’s past?

\"\"Written byAnn Landers\"\"Medically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D.
Published
Updated
Reviewed

Summary

\"A

A man raised with strict beliefs about premarital sex feels distressed by his wife’s earlier relationships many years into their marriage. Repeated questions about her past are now straining their connection.

The answer emphasizes that the wife’s past relationships predate the marriage and cannot be changed, while beliefs about sex may differ and evolve.

It encourages him to stop personalizing or punishing her for those experiences and to recognize the openness involved in her sharing them.

?

Question

Reader · Identity withheld

As a child, I was brought up very strict. I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I stuck to this rule. Being a male, I’m sure it’s hard to believe. I would never voice my opinion on this subject for concerns of being ridiculed.

\n

My problem is that 11 years ago, I met a woman with whom I fell in love and eventually married. She told me about her past (9 guys including a one night stand). While it always upset me, I tried to keep the hurt to myself. In the past month or so, I let loose and have begun to question; WHY?

\n

She gets very defensive and the answer is always that she had low self-esteem and didn’t want to be lonely. I feel this is just a bad excuse to try to get me to feel sorry for her and leave the subject alone. She swears she never enjoyed any sexual experience before me. But these aren’t the answers I’m looking for.

\n

I’m not even sure what I’m looking to gain by asking “why?”. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is putting a big strain on how I’m feeling about her and our marriage. I was hoping that maybe you had some thoughts on the subject of “pre-marital sex” that might help me understand my pain a little better.

\"\"

Answer

Ann Landers

We’ve all done things that we’re not proud of…and it sounds like your wife is no exception. Low self-esteem is one of the reasons most often sited by women who have had multiple partners. She is obviously not proud of her past, so I can understand why she becomes defensive when you question her about it.

\n

These nine guys had nothing to do with you, and it seems as if you are personalizing this entire situation. Your wife definitely trusts you…otherwise she would never have told you about these other men. You have to understand that your wife can’t change the past. As you’ve probably come to understand, we all have different views concerning sex.

\n

Some of us see sex as an intimate expression of love, while others have sex for recreational purposes. It is possible that these views can, and often do, change over time.

Just like any of our other beliefs, our views on sex are influenced by a number of different sources – family, friends, school, etc. You have to stop punishing your wife for her past actions…she has probably already done that for you.

\n

Hope that helps,

\n

– Anne

Subject matter expert

\"\"

Carlos Protzel Psy.D.

Integrative mental health care

View profile
\"\"
Author

Ann Landers

Ann Landers was the leading advice columnist for 47 years, with her widely syndicated columns reaching 90 million readers worldwide.

\"\"
Medical reviewer

Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.

Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical and somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience in neuropsychology, specializing in integrative, mind-body…

\"\"

Related community

Marriage

A space for perspectives on partnership, communication, and the changing experiences of married life.

Related questions

Why does my wife of 21 years have a boyfriend?Why does my wife’s old boyfriend bother me?How do I deal with an unexpressive partner?
","text":"Home Answers How should I deal with my wife’s past? AnswersHow should I deal with my wife’s past? Written byAnn LandersMedically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D. Published June 1, 2024 Updated June 5, 2026 Reviewed September 15, 2025 SummaryQuestionAnswer Summary A man raised with strict beliefs about premarital sex feels distressed by his wife’s earlier relationships many years into their marriage. Repeated questions about her past are now straining their connection. The answer emphasizes that the wife’s past relationships predate the marriage and cannot be changed, while beliefs about sex may differ and evolve. It encourages him to stop personalizing or punishing her for those experiences and to recognize the openness involved in her sharing them. ? Question Reader · Identity withheld As a child, I was brought up very strict. I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I stuck to this rule. Being a male, I’m sure it’s hard to believe. I would never voice my opinion on this subject for concerns of being ridiculed. My problem is that 11 years ago, I met a woman with whom I fell in love and eventually married. She told me about her past (9 guys including a one night stand). While it always upset me, I tried to keep the hurt to myself. In the past month or so, I let loose and have begun to question; WHY? She gets very defensive and the answer is always that she had low self-esteem and didn’t want to be lonely. I feel this is just a bad excuse to try to get me to feel sorry for her and leave the subject alone. She swears she never enjoyed any sexual experience before me. But these aren’t the answers I’m looking for. I’m not even sure what I’m looking to gain by asking “why?”. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is putting a big strain on how I’m feeling about her and our marriage. I was hoping that maybe you had some thoughts on the subject of “pre-marital sex” that might help me understand my pain a little better. Answer Ann Landers We’ve all done things that we’re not proud of…and it sounds like your wife is no exception. Low self-esteem is one of the reasons most often sited by women who have had multiple partners. She is obviously not proud of her past, so I can understand why she becomes defensive when you question her about it. These nine guys had nothing to do with you, and it seems as if you are personalizing this entire situation. Your wife definitely trusts you…otherwise she would never have told you about these other men. You have to understand that your wife can’t change the past. As you’ve probably come to understand, we all have different views concerning sex. Some of us see sex as an intimate expression of love, while others have sex for recreational purposes. It is possible that these views can, and often do, change over time. Just like any of our other beliefs, our views on sex are influenced by a number of different sources – family, friends, school, etc. You have to stop punishing your wife for her past actions…she has probably already done that for you. Hope that helps, – Anne Subject matter expert Carlos Protzel Psy.D. Integrative mental health care View profile AuthorAnn Landers Ann Landers was the leading advice columnist for 47 years, with her widely syndicated columns reaching 90 million readers worldwide. Medical reviewerJesse Hanson, Ph.D. Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical and somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience in neuropsychology, specializing in integrative, mind-body… Related community Marriage A space for perspectives on partnership, communication, and the changing experiences of married life. 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I was hoping that maybe you had some thoughts on the subject of “pre-marital sex” that might help me understand my pain a little better.","acceptedAnswer":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#answer"},"inLanguage":"en-US","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#question","answerCount":1},{"@type":"Answer","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#answer","text":"We’ve all done things that we’re not proud of…and it sounds like your wife is no exception. Low self-esteem is one of the reasons most often sited by women who have had multiple partners. She is obviously not proud of her past, so I can understand why she becomes defensive when you question her about it. These nine guys had nothing to do with you, and it seems as if you are personalizing this entire situation. Your wife definitely trusts you…otherwise she would never have told you about these other men. You have to understand that your wife can’t change the past. As you’ve probably come to understand, we all have different views concerning sex. Some of us see sex as an intimate expression of love, while others have sex for recreational purposes. It is possible that these views can, and often do, change over time. Just like any of our other beliefs, our views on sex are influenced by a number of different sources – family, friends, school, etc. You have to stop punishing your wife for her past actions…she has probably already done that for you. Hope that helps, – Anne","author":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/anne-landers#person"},"inLanguage":"en-US","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#answer"},{"@type":"MedicalWebPage","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#webpage","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past","name":"How should I deal with my wife’s past?","description":"A man raised with strict beliefs about premarital sex feels distressed by his wife’s earlier relationships many years into their marriage.","inLanguage":"en-US","isPartOf":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers#webpage"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#breadcrumb"},"mainEntity":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#article"},"publisher":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/#organization"},"medicalAudience":{"@type":"MedicalAudience","audienceType":"General public"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#primaryimage"},"reviewedBy":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson#person"},"citation":[],"datePublished":"2024-06-01T00:35:15Z","dateModified":"2026-06-05T09:43:07Z","lastReviewed":"2025-09-15"}]},"representations":{"html":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past","json":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/data/answers/my-wifes-past.json","jsonLd":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/data/answers/my-wifes-past.ld.json"},"$schema":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/data/page.schema.json","images":[{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/80b8e1a76768e1ea081ddaf9.jpg","alt":"","width":40,"height":40},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/73305651cb93afbdebb69a9a.jpg","alt":"","width":40,"height":40},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/d1d913bee5a996be82d3ceb0.webp","alt":"A couple walking together through a garden","width":1000,"height":667},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/8e1ee0ec187d4c3ff0be4ad3.jpg","alt":"","width":64,"height":64},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/785fd7ff3dc1e8ee0699077b.webp","alt":"","width":1200,"height":633}],"sections":[{"id":"summary-title","title":"Summary","level":2,"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#summary-title"},{"id":"question-person","title":"Question","level":2,"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#question-person"},{"id":"response-person","title":"Answer","level":2,"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#response-person"}],"references":[],"relatedReading":[],"links":[{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/","label":"Home"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers","label":"Answers"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers","label":"Answers"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/anne-landers","label":"Written byAnn Landers"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson","label":"Medically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D."},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#summary","label":"Summary"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#question","label":"Question"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#answer","label":"Answer"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/anne-landers","label":""},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/self-esteem-development-management","label":"Low self-esteem"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/carlos-protzel","label":""},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/carlos-protzel","label":"Carlos Protzel Psy.D."},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/carlos-protzel","label":"View profile"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/anne-landers","label":""},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/anne-landers","label":"Ann Landers"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson","label":""},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson","label":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D."},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/community/marriage","label":""},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/community/marriage","label":"Marriage"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/wife-of-21-years-has-a-boyfriend","label":"Why does my wife of 21 years have a boyfriend?"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/why-does-my-wifes-old-boyfriend-bother-me","label":"Why does my wife’s old boyfriend bother me?"},{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/unexpressive-partner","label":"How do I deal with an unexpressive partner?"}],"conversation":{"status":"complete","summary":{"question":"A man raised with strict beliefs about premarital sex feels distressed by his wife’s earlier relationships many years into their marriage. Repeated questions about her past are now straining their connection.","answer":"The answer emphasizes that the wife’s past relationships predate the marriage and cannot be changed, while beliefs about sex may differ and evolve. It encourages him to stop personalizing or punishing her for those experiences and to recognize the openness involved in her sharing them."},"sourceUrl":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past","sourceReviewer":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson#person","name":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson"},"question":{"id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#question","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#question","html":"

As a child, I was brought up very strict. I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I stuck to this rule. Being a male, I’m sure it’s hard to believe. I would never voice my opinion on this subject for concerns of being ridiculed.

\n

My problem is that 11 years ago, I met a woman with whom I fell in love and eventually married. She told me about her past (9 guys including a one night stand). While it always upset me, I tried to keep the hurt to myself. In the past month or so, I let loose and have begun to question; WHY?

\n

She gets very defensive and the answer is always that she had low self-esteem and didn’t want to be lonely. I feel this is just a bad excuse to try to get me to feel sorry for her and leave the subject alone. She swears she never enjoyed any sexual experience before me. But these aren’t the answers I’m looking for.

\n

I’m not even sure what I’m looking to gain by asking “why?”. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is putting a big strain on how I’m feeling about her and our marriage. I was hoping that maybe you had some thoughts on the subject of “pre-marital sex” that might help me understand my pain a little better.

","text":"As a child, I was brought up very strict. I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I stuck to this rule. Being a male, I’m sure it’s hard to believe. I would never voice my opinion on this subject for concerns of being ridiculed. My problem is that 11 years ago, I met a woman with whom I fell in love and eventually married. She told me about her past (9 guys including a one night stand). While it always upset me, I tried to keep the hurt to myself. In the past month or so, I let loose and have begun to question; WHY? She gets very defensive and the answer is always that she had low self-esteem and didn’t want to be lonely. I feel this is just a bad excuse to try to get me to feel sorry for her and leave the subject alone. She swears she never enjoyed any sexual experience before me. But these aren’t the answers I’m looking for. I’m not even sure what I’m looking to gain by asking “why?”. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is putting a big strain on how I’m feeling about her and our marriage. I was hoping that maybe you had some thoughts on the subject of “pre-marital sex” that might help me understand my pain a little better."},"answer":{"id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#answer","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past#answer","html":"

We’ve all done things that we’re not proud of…and it sounds like your wife is no exception. Low self-esteem is one of the reasons most often sited by women who have had multiple partners. She is obviously not proud of her past, so I can understand why she becomes defensive when you question her about it.

\n

These nine guys had nothing to do with you, and it seems as if you are personalizing this entire situation. Your wife definitely trusts you…otherwise she would never have told you about these other men. You have to understand that your wife can’t change the past. As you’ve probably come to understand, we all have different views concerning sex.

\n

Some of us see sex as an intimate expression of love, while others have sex for recreational purposes. It is possible that these views can, and often do, change over time.

Just like any of our other beliefs, our views on sex are influenced by a number of different sources – family, friends, school, etc. You have to stop punishing your wife for her past actions…she has probably already done that for you.

\n

Hope that helps,

\n

– Anne

","text":"We’ve all done things that we’re not proud of…and it sounds like your wife is no exception. Low self-esteem is one of the reasons most often sited by women who have had multiple partners. She is obviously not proud of her past, so I can understand why she becomes defensive when you question her about it. These nine guys had nothing to do with you, and it seems as if you are personalizing this entire situation. Your wife definitely trusts you…otherwise she would never have told you about these other men. You have to understand that your wife can’t change the past. As you’ve probably come to understand, we all have different views concerning sex. Some of us see sex as an intimate expression of love, while others have sex for recreational purposes. It is possible that these views can, and often do, change over time. Just like any of our other beliefs, our views on sex are influenced by a number of different sources – family, friends, school, etc. You have to stop punishing your wife for her past actions…she has probably already done that for you. Hope that helps, – Anne","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/anne-landers#person","name":"Ann Landers","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/anne-landers"}},"summaryScope":"Editorial overview of the original question and response; original review dates apply to the source conversation."},"presentation":{"updatedAt":"2026-10-03","template":"answer-conversation","imageGeneratedAt":"2026-10-03"},"seo":{"title":"How can I cope with jealousy about my wife’s sexual past?","description":"A man raised with strict beliefs about premarital sex feels distressed by his wife’s earlier relationships many years into their marriage.","canonical":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past","robots":"index,follow","socialImage":{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/f7d19272dd5d30590dddbab9.png","width":1200,"height":630,"alt":"MentalHealth.com — Answers","type":"image/png","sitemapGroup":"answers"}},"subjectMatterExpert":{"name":"Carlos Protzel, Psy.D.","url":"/people/carlos-protzel","profileId":"13151","topic":"wellbeing","focus":"Integrative mental health care","selectionBasis":"Documented expertise in the existing published profile","reviewAttribution":false},"navigation":[{"label":"Summary","href":"#summary"},{"label":"Question","href":"#question"},{"label":"Answer","href":"#answer"}],"relatedCommunity":{"community":"/community/marriage","basis":"topic match"},"collections":[]}