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Answers

Why do people show no compassion for depression?

\"\"Written byAnn Landers\"\"Medically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D.
Published
Updated
Reviewed

Summary

\"Two

A woman resents her husband’s depression because she feels compelled to take over responsibilities and finds their moods strongly affect one another. She wants to understand why compassion feels difficult despite their closeness.

The answer suggests that blurred emotional and practical boundaries may be adding pressure to the relationship.

It recommends couples counseling, learning about assertiveness and boundaries, and making space for independent interests so that closeness does not require taking on every responsibility or emotion of a partner.

?

Question

Reader · Identity withheld

I have been married for 18 years. I am 36, husband is 41. We have 3 kids, one is grown. My husband and I are very close.

Close meaning we talk and are together a lot. It also means our MOODS affect each other a lot. He is depressed. I think its medical. I think he has been this way on and off for years. Question: I RESENT his depression.

\n

I wind up doing all the things HE should be doing, Its more work for me. And I’m suppose to be OK with this? And nice about it??

I wind up saying all the things I shouldn’t say, like, “Snap out of it” (I wish I could slap him like Cher did Nicolas Cage, in Moon Struck) Why do I HATE it that he is depressed? Why cant I be compassionate? Why do I refuse to show compassion? I know I’m making things worse. HELP ANNE!

\"\"

Answer

Ann Landers

Psychotherapists sometimes talk about how ‘enmeshed’ couples are with one another. High enmeshment (otherwise known as co-dependency) describes couples who are so close with each other that anything that one partner does is reflected in the other. Low enmeshment couples are so distant that few things that either partner can do will have an impact on the other.

\n

As you might imagine, healthy couples generally display a medium amount of enmeshment – engaged with each other enough to allow intimacy to flourish, but disengaged from each other enough to allow for the individual expression of each partner without forcing the other partner to follow in forced lock-step.

It sounds to me like you two are perhaps a bit too enmeshed for your personal comfort. You hate your husband’s depression because when he expresses it, you are feeling taken advantage of.

\n

And part of the reason why you are feeling taken advantage of is because you have it in your head that you need to make up for his failings. This may be a mistaken idea.

Your husband may well have a disorder (even a ‘medical’ disorder if that makes you happy) that causes him to act badly towards you at times. Even if this is the case, it is not necessary for you to take it on when this happens.

\n

If your husband fails to do his share of cleaning in the house, it is not necessary that you need to do his share for him.

\n
Show moreShow less

Think logically about it – if you gave your dog a treat each time she acted badly, wouldn’t your dog start acting badly a whole lot more of the time? Mine would. My recommendation is couples counseling for the two of you. It sounds like you two could benefit from learning how to set emotional and behavioral boundaries with each other.

\n

I’ll also recommend that you spend some time reading some books on assertiveness and healthy boundaries, and that you take some time to explore activities that are just for your pleasure (hobbies, fitness, etc.). Being more your own person might help take some pressure off you as you encounter your husband’s ongoing depression.

\n

Good luck.

Subject matter expert

\"\"

Simone Hoermann Ph.D.

Personality disorders, anxiety, and depression

View profile
\"\"
Author

Ann Landers

Ann Landers was the leading advice columnist for 47 years, with her widely syndicated columns reaching 90 million readers worldwide.

\"\"
Medical reviewer

Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.

Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical and somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience in neuropsychology, specializing in integrative, mind-body…

\"\"

Related community

Depression

A place for understanding depression and sharing perspectives on its impact on daily life.

Related questions

Will depression affect my chances of getting security clearance?How do I cope with my boyfriend’s depression?How can psychopaths manipulate people if they lack empathy?
","text":"Home Answers Why do people show no compassion for depression? AnswersWhy do people show no compassion for depression? Written byAnn LandersMedically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D. Published June 1, 2024 Updated September 7, 2025 Reviewed September 15, 2025 SummaryQuestionAnswer Summary A woman resents her husband’s depression because she feels compelled to take over responsibilities and finds their moods strongly affect one another. She wants to understand why compassion feels difficult despite their closeness. The answer suggests that blurred emotional and practical boundaries may be adding pressure to the relationship. It recommends couples counseling, learning about assertiveness and boundaries, and making space for independent interests so that closeness does not require taking on every responsibility or emotion of a partner. ? Question Reader · Identity withheld I have been married for 18 years. I am 36, husband is 41. We have 3 kids, one is grown. My husband and I are very close. Close meaning we talk and are together a lot. It also means our MOODS affect each other a lot. He is depressed. I think its medical. I think he has been this way on and off for years. Question: I RESENT his depression. I wind up doing all the things HE should be doing, Its more work for me. And I’m suppose to be OK with this? And nice about it?? I wind up saying all the things I shouldn’t say, like, “Snap out of it” (I wish I could slap him like Cher did Nicolas Cage, in Moon Struck) Why do I HATE it that he is depressed? Why cant I be compassionate? Why do I refuse to show compassion? I know I’m making things worse. HELP ANNE! Answer Ann Landers Psychotherapists sometimes talk about how ‘enmeshed’ couples are with one another. High enmeshment (otherwise known as co-dependency) describes couples who are so close with each other that anything that one partner does is reflected in the other. Low enmeshment couples are so distant that few things that either partner can do will have an impact on the other. As you might imagine, healthy couples generally display a medium amount of enmeshment – engaged with each other enough to allow intimacy to flourish, but disengaged from each other enough to allow for the individual expression of each partner without forcing the other partner to follow in forced lock-step. It sounds to me like you two are perhaps a bit too enmeshed for your personal comfort. You hate your husband’s depression because when he expresses it, you are feeling taken advantage of. And part of the reason why you are feeling taken advantage of is because you have it in your head that you need to make up for his failings. This may be a mistaken idea. Your husband may well have a disorder (even a ‘medical’ disorder if that makes you happy) that causes him to act badly towards you at times. Even if this is the case, it is not necessary for you to take it on when this happens. If your husband fails to do his share of cleaning in the house, it is not necessary that you need to do his share for him. Show moreShow less Think logically about it – if you gave your dog a treat each time she acted badly, wouldn’t your dog start acting badly a whole lot more of the time? Mine would. My recommendation is couples counseling for the two of you. It sounds like you two could benefit from learning how to set emotional and behavioral boundaries with each other. I’ll also recommend that you spend some time reading some books on assertiveness and healthy boundaries, and that you take some time to explore activities that are just for your pleasure (hobbies, fitness, etc.). Being more your own person might help take some pressure off you as you encounter your husband’s ongoing depression. Good luck. Subject matter expert Simone Hoermann Ph.D. Personality disorders, anxiety, and depression View profile AuthorAnn Landers Ann Landers was the leading advice columnist for 47 years, with her widely syndicated columns reaching 90 million readers worldwide. Medical reviewerJesse Hanson, Ph.D. Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical and somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience in neuropsychology, specializing in integrative, mind-body… Related community Depression A place for understanding depression and sharing perspectives on its impact on daily life. 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If your husband fails to do his share of cleaning in the house, it is not necessary that you need to do his share for him. Think logically about it – if you gave your dog a treat each time she acted badly, wouldn’t your dog start acting badly a whole lot more of the time? Mine would. My recommendation is couples counseling for the two of you. It sounds like you two could benefit from learning how to set emotional and behavioral boundaries with each other. I’ll also recommend that you spend some time reading some books on assertiveness and healthy boundaries, and that you take some time to explore activities that are just for your pleasure (hobbies, fitness, etc.). Being more your own person might help take some pressure off you as you encounter your husband’s ongoing depression. 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She wants to understand why compassion feels difficult despite their closeness.","answer":"The answer suggests that blurred emotional and practical boundaries may be adding pressure to the relationship. It recommends couples counseling, learning about assertiveness and boundaries, and making space for independent interests so that closeness does not require taking on every responsibility or emotion of a partner."},"sourceUrl":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/no-compassion-for-depression","sourceReviewer":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson#person","name":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson"},"question":{"id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/no-compassion-for-depression#question","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/no-compassion-for-depression#question","html":"

I have been married for 18 years. I am 36, husband is 41. We have 3 kids, one is grown. My husband and I are very close.

Close meaning we talk and are together a lot. It also means our MOODS affect each other a lot. He is depressed. I think its medical. I think he has been this way on and off for years. Question: I RESENT his depression.

\n

I wind up doing all the things HE should be doing, Its more work for me. And I’m suppose to be OK with this? And nice about it??

I wind up saying all the things I shouldn’t say, like, “Snap out of it” (I wish I could slap him like Cher did Nicolas Cage, in Moon Struck) Why do I HATE it that he is depressed? Why cant I be compassionate? Why do I refuse to show compassion? I know I’m making things worse. HELP ANNE!

","text":"I have been married for 18 years. I am 36, husband is 41. We have 3 kids, one is grown. My husband and I are very close. Close meaning we talk and are together a lot. It also means our MOODS affect each other a lot. He is depressed. I think its medical. I think he has been this way on and off for years. Question: I RESENT his depression. I wind up doing all the things HE should be doing, Its more work for me. And I’m suppose to be OK with this? And nice about it?? I wind up saying all the things I shouldn’t say, like, “Snap out of it” (I wish I could slap him like Cher did Nicolas Cage, in Moon Struck) Why do I HATE it that he is depressed? Why cant I be compassionate? Why do I refuse to show compassion? I know I’m making things worse. HELP ANNE!"},"answer":{"id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/no-compassion-for-depression#answer","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/no-compassion-for-depression#answer","html":"

Psychotherapists sometimes talk about how ‘enmeshed’ couples are with one another. High enmeshment (otherwise known as co-dependency) describes couples who are so close with each other that anything that one partner does is reflected in the other. Low enmeshment couples are so distant that few things that either partner can do will have an impact on the other.

\n

As you might imagine, healthy couples generally display a medium amount of enmeshment – engaged with each other enough to allow intimacy to flourish, but disengaged from each other enough to allow for the individual expression of each partner without forcing the other partner to follow in forced lock-step.

It sounds to me like you two are perhaps a bit too enmeshed for your personal comfort. You hate your husband’s depression because when he expresses it, you are feeling taken advantage of.

\n

And part of the reason why you are feeling taken advantage of is because you have it in your head that you need to make up for his failings. This may be a mistaken idea.

Your husband may well have a disorder (even a ‘medical’ disorder if that makes you happy) that causes him to act badly towards you at times. Even if this is the case, it is not necessary for you to take it on when this happens.

\n

If your husband fails to do his share of cleaning in the house, it is not necessary that you need to do his share for him.

\n

Think logically about it – if you gave your dog a treat each time she acted badly, wouldn’t your dog start acting badly a whole lot more of the time? Mine would. My recommendation is couples counseling for the two of you. It sounds like you two could benefit from learning how to set emotional and behavioral boundaries with each other.

\n

I’ll also recommend that you spend some time reading some books on assertiveness and healthy boundaries, and that you take some time to explore activities that are just for your pleasure (hobbies, fitness, etc.). Being more your own person might help take some pressure off you as you encounter your husband’s ongoing depression.

\n

Good luck.

","text":"Psychotherapists sometimes talk about how ‘enmeshed’ couples are with one another. High enmeshment (otherwise known as co-dependency) describes couples who are so close with each other that anything that one partner does is reflected in the other. Low enmeshment couples are so distant that few things that either partner can do will have an impact on the other. As you might imagine, healthy couples generally display a medium amount of enmeshment – engaged with each other enough to allow intimacy to flourish, but disengaged from each other enough to allow for the individual expression of each partner without forcing the other partner to follow in forced lock-step. It sounds to me like you two are perhaps a bit too enmeshed for your personal comfort. You hate your husband’s depression because when he expresses it, you are feeling taken advantage of. And part of the reason why you are feeling taken advantage of is because you have it in your head that you need to make up for his failings. This may be a mistaken idea. Your husband may well have a disorder (even a ‘medical’ disorder if that makes you happy) that causes him to act badly towards you at times. Even if this is the case, it is not necessary for you to take it on when this happens. If your husband fails to do his share of cleaning in the house, it is not necessary that you need to do his share for him. Think logically about it – if you gave your dog a treat each time she acted badly, wouldn’t your dog start acting badly a whole lot more of the time? Mine would. My recommendation is couples counseling for the two of you. It sounds like you two could benefit from learning how to set emotional and behavioral boundaries with each other. I’ll also recommend that you spend some time reading some books on assertiveness and healthy boundaries, and that you take some time to explore activities that are just for your pleasure (hobbies, fitness, etc.). Being more your own person might help take some pressure off you as you encounter your husband’s ongoing depression. Good luck.","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/anne-landers#person","name":"Ann Landers","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/anne-landers"}},"summaryScope":"Editorial overview of the original question and response; original review dates apply to the source conversation."},"presentation":{"updatedAt":"2026-10-03","template":"answer-conversation","imageGeneratedAt":"2026-10-03"},"seo":{"title":"Why do I feel resentful when my husband is depressed?","description":"A woman resents her husband’s depression because she feels compelled to take over responsibilities and finds their moods strongly affect one another.","canonical":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/no-compassion-for-depression","robots":"index,follow","socialImage":{"url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/f7d19272dd5d30590dddbab9.png","width":1200,"height":630,"alt":"MentalHealth.com — Answers","type":"image/png","sitemapGroup":"answers"}},"subjectMatterExpert":{"name":"Simone Hoermann, Ph.D.","url":"/people/simone-hoermann","profileId":"6419","topic":"mood","focus":"Personality disorders, anxiety, and depression","selectionBasis":"Documented expertise in the existing published profile","reviewAttribution":false},"navigation":[{"label":"Summary","href":"#summary"},{"label":"Question","href":"#question"},{"label":"Answer","href":"#answer"}],"relatedCommunity":{"community":"/community/depression","basis":"topic match"},"collections":[]}