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Summary
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A woman is devastated when her fiancé postpones their wedding two weeks beforehand, citing arguments and a need for counseling. She is also concerned about his habit of sharing private disputes with his parents.
The answer acknowledges the public disappointment but emphasizes that both partners must be willing participants in a lasting marriage.
It supports impartial couples counseling to explore their concerns, family boundaries, and mutual compromise before proceeding, noting that a wedding should not go forward through pressure alone.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI am 30 years old and met my boyfriend a year ago. He is 25. He asked me to marry him and asked my parents permission, but two weeks before the wedding he said he wanted to postpone the wedding.
\nHe said we had been having a lot of fights (mainly about the fact that he runs to his parents and tells them things about me that are private.)
\nAlso, his father seems to be very attached to him and interferes in our fights. I think because my boyfriend tells him we are fighting so he said he would rather wait, and that we both need to see a counselor? What am I missing here. He says he loves me. But I had the embarrassment of canceling my wedding two weeks before.
\nI have the wedding gown the veil the down payments. The bridal party. The reception. I don’t understand what happened, all I do is cry.
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Answer
Ann LandersIt’s an embarrassing blow having your wedding plans publicly messed up by your intended husband, I understand that perfectly. But keep in mind that a wedding is one day, and a marriage has to be built to last the rest of your life.
\nYour fiancé is sending you a clear message that he thinks there is a problem with the relationship that would preclude him from wanting to marry you right now. Whether you agree with him or not, we have to assume that there is such a problem with the relationship, if only because he is creating one.
\nMarriage takes two active participants in order to survive, and right now you only have one. In this light, it is far better that you be embarrassed now and avoid divorce later (if he is right about things not being good between you).
\nI think going for counseling with him is an excellent idea. Find a counselor who you feel is not partisan and who will treat you as partners.
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Talk about what is concerning each of you. Bring up your concern that your intended is too enmeshed with his family – that is a true perception on your part.
\nPart of the task of getting married is to commit to the person you are marrying so that they are given as much or more weight as parental relationships.
If he can’t do this for you, he may not be a good candidate for a lasting relationship with you and you’ll be better off. If he can cop to the problem then maybe he can do something about it.
\nI’m sure he’ll have issues with your behavior too and you similarly should listen carefully and as non-defensively as you can to the substance of what he has to say and to see if you can do anything about what his concerns are.
\nMarriages are built on compromise, but compromise should never feel like compulsion. If you can’t come to terms you both feel good about now, you are truly better off not marrying.
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Integrative mental health care
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