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Summary
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A woman wants to end a year-long relationship with a married man after waiting for him and receiving demeaning accusations. She asks how to remain firm when her feelings for him make it difficult to leave.
The answer interprets his conduct as disrespectful and emphasizes the potential emotional harm to her and his family.
It recommends ending the relationship and contact, and seeking a relationship with an available partner who treats her with respect, rather than continuing to wait for him.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI have been seeing a married man for a year, we have discussed his leaving his wife, he wants to he says, but loves his 2 children too much to leave.
\nI have been faithful to him the whole year, ignoring friends invites, staying around the house more and pretty much waiting on him, I have decided not to do this any longer and I have realized what a horrible thing I have been doing.
\nI love him very much, but lately he has noticed a change in me and is accusing me of being with other men-example: I have a lawyer.
\nMy boyfriend asked to see a receipt where I have paid the lawyer. He made the comment that I was “spreading my legs for my attorney’s services”.
\nThis cut me to the core – how could he take something emotional and intimate that we share to show our love and make it something ugly?
\nHow could he think that I would give myself to any one like that, let alone for services. This made me feel like a cheap whore, I am supposed to talk to him about this tonight, I told him I no longer wanted to see him, that he wasn’t worth waiting for if he thought so low of me.
\nPlease help me choose the right words to stay firm in my decision, when I see him I just melt.
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Answer
Ann LandersYou’re all worried about whether or not this married man respects you, when it is perfectly clear to anyone who has been around the block a time or two that he doesn’t. In fact it is fairly clear that he not only doesn’t respect you, but that he doesn’t respect his family either. If he did, he wouldn’t be running around with you, now would he?
\nAfter all, married men aren’t supposed to cheat on their wives, are they? It’s called adultery. It’s called cheating. It’s not something that honourable people do.
\nThe likely case here is that this married man is more or less using you for sex. He tells you he loves you because that is the bait you are hungry for and will swallow every time, keeping yourself on his hook whenever he wants you.
Since he sees you more as a sex object and not so much as a person he respects, it is easy for him to think of other people viewing you the same way, hence his nasty comments towards you regarding the lawyer.
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My advice to you is to grow up a little and recognize how you are being played, and also how what you are doing will likely hurt not only yourself, but the other people involved, including this man’s wife and children, both of whom have feelings that can be hurt just like you do, and whose feelings are rather likely to be crushed and altered for life if they find out what has been happening.
\nIn your rush to satisfy your need to be loved (a perfectly human motive we can all relate to), you have settled instead for someone who is merely using you. You have also put the emotional lives of two innocent children and a similarly innocent wife at risk.
\nWhile it is true that this guy will likely cheat with someone else if he doesn’t have access to you, at least if he is cheating with someone else, the pain of the family when they find out (and they will find out) will not have occurred while on your watch.
\nPlease do the right thing here. Walk away from this bum and don’t accept his calls anymore. Don’t let him near you anymore. Instead, work towards finding someone single with whom you can share a real and authentic love. You are worth at least that much. Good luck.
Subject matter expert
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Relationships and marriage counseling
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