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Summary
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A woman repeatedly checks photographs and updates about her ex-partner's new relationship despite feeling hurt each time. She wants to understand why she cannot stop, especially because she is now happy with someone else.
The response considers the checking as an attempt to manage loss, humiliation and anxiety that instead keeps distress going.
It discusses psychological, social and biological perspectives on obsessional patterns and points to cognitive behavioral exercises in the book Brain Lock, without establishing an individual diagnosis from the account.
Question
Reader · Identity withheld“I broke up with my ex already two years ago. He…found another woman just one week after we broke up…This woman has been posting their love photos on the Facebook since my break up with him. He was so in love with me, is what I thought, and just two weeks later he was so in love with another her!!
\nI keep going to Facebook and checking, looking at their photos everyday. I know it’s very unhealthy, but, I can’t help myself. Every time I do this I feel great pain. As a result, I can’t completely throw him out of my mind…it brings me back to all the memories.
What should I do? This woman is now his fiancee. She posts things such as, “Oh, he just bought me flowers,” “Oh, we are going on a cruise around the world,” “Oh, we’re engaged, and, “Oh, we bought the new house we will live in,”…etc.
\nObviously I can’t block myself from the Facebook, and I try not to go to Facebook, but, when I have nothing to do, I go on Facebook again. It makes me feel sick.
\nWhat should I do? I am in a great relationship now and love my boyfriend to death. I don’t understand why I keep doing this?”
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.This problem is both common and very painful. In situations like this, people get caught up in obsessing, especially those who have a predisposition to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It is tempting to give this woman an easy answer: “Well, just stop going to Facebook.” However, when we deal with obsessional thinking it is not so easy because she is unable to stop and she is well aware of it.
\nThe answer to her question, “why do I keep doing this(obsessing),” is two-fold:
\nOne way is to examine the psychodynamic behind her repetitive thoughts and behaviors. From that point of view, she is defending against a huge amount of anxiety as a result of loss and humiliation. She also experiences great anger at her ex boyfriend but feels helpless to do anything about it. This causes her to feel depressed as well as anxious.
Humiliation is one of the worst feelings anyone has to cope with. The obsessional thinking then serves as a defense mechanism in an attempt to protect her ego. The trouble is that it does not work.
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So, from a psychodynamic perspective, the repeated thoughts and behaviors, while self destructive and unsuccessful, are attempts to gain control over the situation, her anxiety and her awful feelings of humiliation. She is caught in vicious cycle from which she cannot extricate her self.
\nA second way is to take a look at things from a neurological point of view. OCD is now known to be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. That is what makes it so hard to break the cycle. Its an imbalance a similar imbalance that’s behind depression and chronic anxiety.
\nMost likely, OCD is caused by what we refer to as Bio-Psycho-Social factors. That means that brain chemistry, psychological defense patters or automatic ways of thinking and the social environment in which we live all combine to bring this and other mental health issues.
\nTreatment:
\nDr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz, MD, wrote a self help book about obsessive-compulsive behavior called, Brain Lock. In the book, he explains its causes and provides cognitive behavioral exercises to break out of the “brain lock” that keeps us stuck in OCD. His point is that, by using cognitive behavioral techniques, a person is actually changing his or her brain chemistry.
\nWhat are your experiences with this type of thing? Your comments and questions are encouraged.
Subject matter expert
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Professional counseling and mental health
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