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Summary
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A twenty-nine-year-old man sees a pattern of attraction to ambitious women who do not commit while he may commit quickly. Returning to school after pursuing art, he hopes to meet someone who accepts his present circumstances and future goals.
The response suggests that repeated disappointment may reflect partner selection rather than luck alone.
It encourages getting to know people outside an idealized type, allowing time to assess genuine compatibility and mutual interest, and recognizing when an unreciprocated connection is not developing.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI am a 29 year old male, struggling to make my life work. I have not been very lucky in love, in fact I have only had one girlfriend in the last six years. I have dated one other woman, casually and she basically led me on a string while she was looking for someone better.
\nMy recent ex-girlfriend was really interested in me initially, and I mean she was so interested that I thought we might have a future, but then out of nowhere she got really evasive, distant, and started to see other people, “platonic” at first but then she decided to end the relationship. I seem to be attracted to women who are assertive and goal driven, but who can’t commit.
\nI on the other hand may commit too quickly. I say I am struggling to make it work, I mean I have returned to school after an attempt to live off of my artwork. I would just like to meet someone who is willing to accept my present limitations while I build into a solid future. Any suggestions?
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Answer
Ann LandersYou start out by saying that you’ve not been very ‘lucky’ in love, but later seem to suggest that you may be picking the wrong sort of woman for you. If the reason for your lack of luck is that you are choosing unsuitable women, then you can probably change your luck by dating women who are different than those you normally go after.
\nIt may be that your fantasized perfect woman isn’t good for you. Did you see that recent comedy, “Shallow Hal”? The plot of that movie was all about the joys of seeing the inner beauty in women you wouldn’t otherwise look at seriously. I know of a man who went without a serious girlfriend for years because he constantly seemed to fall for women who weren’t interested in him.
\nHe is now happily married – to a woman who didn’t initially fit his fantasized requirements for a perfect girlfriend. Being that you are on a college campus it should be relatively easy for you to meet women.
Try to date a range of them that don’t fit profile of those women you’d normally want to date. Ask a range of them out on a study date, or a date date, or whatever sort of pretense you can figure out to meet them.
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If there is any attraction or spark between you and one of these women, then pursue her for a good long while – long enough for you to see past your own preconceptions so as to suggest there could be a future there. And also realize that while some relationships do work well when they get off to a rocky start, many others don’t.
\nDon’t hang around too long if you start to sense that your woman friend doesn’t dig you. There’s a lot of fish in the sea, and you’ll find one who loves you for whom you are if you look around long enough.
Subject matter expert
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Relationships and marriage counseling
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