In any relationship, arguments are inevitable. The key is not to avoid conflict altogether, but instead to learn how to pause, reflect, and adjust the approach to communication so there can be a more effective outcome for everyone involved.
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Key takeaways
- Constructive arguments seek mutual understanding and resolution, while destructive arguments prioritize winning or individual demands.
- Pausing, identifying underlying concerns, and listening without interruption can reduce escalating conflict.
- Clear intentions and couples therapy can help partners change persistent patterns of harmful communication.
The Two Main Types of Arguments
At the most fundamental level there are two types of arguments: constructive and destructive. Constructive arguments aim to move people toward shared understanding, while destructive arguments are rooted in self-serving motives.
Overall, constructive arguments are grounded in the desire to resolve conflict in a way that generates well-being and positive outcomes. For instance, a couple might engage in a difficult conversation with the goal of addressing tension in hopes of creating a more harmonious future.
Destructive arguments, on the other hand, stem from a person’s desire to meet his or her own needs. They lack a clear objective, and do not provide meaningful insights that contribute to understanding. This kind of argument is usually based in impulsivity and an inability to effectively manage emotions.
A couple's capacity to navigate arguments in a healthy way is closely tied to the inner resources and emotional intelligence each person brings to the relationship[1]. When individuals are willing to slow down enough to identify the deeper issues that generate conflict, there is a greater chance for a solution.
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View profileSlow Down to Identify Deeper Issues
By identifying the true source of an issue, couples can stop wasting time on unproductive arguments and start to gain valuable insight that leads to resolution.
A simple three-part process- pausing, self-reflecting, and identifying unmet needs- can be a useful tool to help in this process.
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- Taking time to pause: When emotions run high, pausing may feel counter-intuitive. In most cases, the instinct is to quickly release pent-up energy rather than take a moment to recenter. However, if a person can pause, it greatly improves the ability to discover what is truly upsetting them. \n
- Self-reflection: Self-reflection is a learned skill that involves examining one’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Oftentimes, people get emotionally hooked without being able to see the deeper layers of why they feel impacted. By shifting the focus inward, the root cause of the argument will become more apparent. \n
- Identifying unmet needs: Unmet needs have a way of fueling arguments without people realizing it. For example, “You never help around the house,” can be linked to a person’s need for more support, while “All you do is nag,” can be linked to a person’s need to feel appreciated for their existing contributions. \n
Rather than relying on quick fixes such as searching online for “how to stop fighting with your partner,” it is far more beneficial to identify and work through the real issues that contribute to the problem.
Understand the Causes of Arguments
With a little bit of awareness, it is easy to see how every conflict has an underlying cause.
Considerations such as daily life stressors, unresolved emotions, or even unexpected shifts in values can create significant discord.
As a person looks deeper, unresolved childhood wounds may surface. Issues such as fear of abandonment, fear of betrayal, and feeling unseen or unheard often stem from childhood wounds.
If the causes of tension are not acknowledged and addressed, they quickly turn into unhealthy relationship dynamics. Once this takes place, many couples find themselves in repetitive arguments they cannot seem to overcome.
When fights become repetitive, it is important to remember that both people are likely doing the best they can given their internal resources. It is extremely common for people to use maladaptive coping strategies in an effort to cope with their unconscious fears or trauma. This can show up as defensiveness, avoidance, emotional outbursts, or being judgemental.
While unhealthy behaviors should not be allowed to persist if they impact others negatively, it is helpful to understand they are not personal.
Tips for Couples to Stop Fighting
If a couple is able to shift their perspective from being on different teams when arguing, to being on the same team, they are more likely to come up with a resolution. Instead of a “me vs you,” mentality, if they can shift to a “we vs the issue” mentality, outcomes will improve.
Other tips to reduce conflict include:
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- Discuss heated topics when both people are prepared for a deeper conversation. \n
- Commit to avoiding blame and criticism. \n
- Focus on small breakthroughs instead of trying to resolve everything in one sitting. \n
- Practice active listening. \n
- Practice empathy. \n
Practicing empathy for another person who is triggering uncomfortable feelings is not always easy. However, it is proven to help diffuse conflict. Researchers have shown that couples who practice extending compassion and empathy with one another, actually trigger positive changes in their brain chemistry[2].
When it comes to de-escalating conflict, there are many strategies that work. What is most important, however, is using the strategies that help both people calm down and focus on working together to find a solution.
Tips for Communicating During Arguments
For most people, effective communication in relationships requires a level of vulnerability. When there is tension present, it can become harder to communicate openly. However, finding ways to stay open and clear, even in difficult conversations, is essential to effectly resolve conflict.
Tips for communicating during arguments:
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- Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. \n
- Use a non-confrontational tone. \n
- Admit to mistakes. \n
- Be upfront about the desire for a solution. \n
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- Set boundaries for the argument, ensuring mutual respect remains intact. \n
It is important to consider that despite the best intentions for positive communication, mental health and family dynamics may also need to be considered.
Some individuals were raised in environments where they were taught to suppress their emotions or control others in order to get their needs met. In these cases, patience will become necessary on both sides.
The Importance of Listening
A simple way to improve communication in relationships is by improving listening skills. In fact, good listening is an invaluable asset. Not only does it allow for a reduction in the number of misunderstandings, but it also reduces emotional reactivity.
This is often because a skilled listener is able to easily recognize the deeper meanings behind what someone is saying[3].
Simple ways to improve listening include:
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- Refraining from speaking while someone else is talking. \n
- Offering a paraphrased version of what someone said back to them to ensure accuracy. \n
- Asking for more clarity when it is needed. \n
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- Asking the person speaking if they have anything else to add prior to responding. \n
These simple suggestions may seem obvious, yet it is common for people to forget them in the heat of the moment. A good communicator, on the other hand, will be able to implement skilled listening even in times of challenge[4].
Taking Time to Process Conversations
After a couple has shared their concerns with one another, it is important to give each person the time and space needed to process what has been shared. This allows emotions to be fully experienced and to naturally settle down on their own.
Taking space also helps people reflect on how they truly feel, away from the influence of their partner’s presence. Given how easy it is to be subtly persuaded by the thoughts and feelings of others, it is essential to be able to identify one’s own unique perspective on a situation.
Setting a Positive Intention for Next Steps
The concept of setting an intention for a conversation can sound esoteric to some people, yet the most effective communicators understand its ability to create positive outcomes in times of challenge.
At the most basic level, intentions are powerful because they help people stay within a defined boundary for the conversation. If one person gets upset and starts to steer the dialogue in a negative manner, it can be helpful to redirect them back to the original intention of the conversation.
Examples of intentions in conversations include:
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- Giving one person the time and space needed to feel completely seen and heard. \n
- Committing to finding a compromise. \n
- Establishing boundaries around a specific area of concern. \n
- Choosing to identify the next steps related to the nature of the relationship. \n
Ultimately, selecting an intention for the conversation allows for structure and focus, which increases the likelihood of continuing to move in a positive direction.
Seeking Professional Help for Relationship Issues
If it feels too difficult to make significant changes alone, many people find therapy incredibly rewarding. Not only can a therapist help people recognize their unconscious patterns in relationships, but he or she can also provide couples with tips for communication.
When considering how to get the most from couples therapy, it is helpful to first clarify the overall goal for counseling. Is it to try and save the relationship? Is it to decide together if the relationship is over? Once this has been defined, it is easier to find a therapist who meets that objective.
\nHow well therapy works depends on a multitude of factors, including the severity of the issue, how long it has been going on, if both people truly want to resolve it, and the therapist’s experience[5]. Putting faith in healing means embracing the process with patience and openness in an effort to learn new skills and prioritize the well-being of both people in the relationship.
Arguments are a part of life, but it is possible to reduce or eliminate destructive patterns. By approaching conflict with curiosity, self-reflection, and a shared desire to produce a better outcome, arguments can shift from being problematic to a healthy, necessary part of a relationship.
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