{"formatVersion":"1.1","id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs","path":"/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs","title":"Married Men, Their Needs, and Affairs","family":"Library detail","description":"Explores why some married men seek affairs, the emotional needs behind infidelity, and ways couples can heal and rebuild trust.","language":"en-US","access":{"audience":"public","indexable":true},"provenance":{"sourceUrl":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs","wordpressId":"5227","contentCompleteness":"complete","dateScope":"original-source"},"authors":[{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/dana-vince#person","name":"Dana Vince","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/dana-vince"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/patrick-nagle#person","name":"Patrick Nagle","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/patrick-nagle"}],"reviewer":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson#person","name":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson"},"dates":{"datePublished":"2025-02-08T09:18:54Z","dateModified":"2025-10-27T00:42:50Z","lastReviewed":"2025-02-08"},"content":{"html":"<nav aria-label=\"Breadcrumb\" class=\"breadcrumbs\"><ol><li><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/\">Home</a></li><li><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library\">Library</a></li><li><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/relationships\">Relationships</a></li><li><span aria-current=\"page\">Married Men, Their Needs, and Affairs</span></li></ol></nav><div class=\"article-page article-standard\" data-library-standard=\"\"><div class=\"article-main-grid\"><header class=\"article-heading\"><h1>Married Men, Their Needs, and Affairs</h1><p class=\"article-inline-credits\">Medically reviewed by <a class=\"article-credit-person\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson\"><img alt=\"\" height=\"22\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/73305651cb93afbdebb69a9a.jpg\" width=\"22\" decoding=\"async\">Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.</a> <span aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"article-credit-divider\">–</span> Written by <a class=\"article-credit-person\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/dana-vince\"><img alt=\"\" height=\"22\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/84137611aa4e0c5cd188f838.jpg\" width=\"22\" decoding=\"async\">Dana Vince</a> and <a class=\"article-credit-person\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/patrick-nagle\"><img alt=\"\" height=\"22\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/8af2743f6b0f153fa8424143.jpg\" width=\"22\" decoding=\"async\">Patrick Nagle</a></p><div class=\"article-dates\"><span>Published on <time datetime=\"2025-02-08T09:18:54Z\">February 8, 2025</time></span><span aria-hidden=\"true\"> · </span><span>Updated on <time datetime=\"2025-10-27T00:42:50Z\">October 27, 2025</time></span></div></header><div class=\"article-jumpbar\"></div><div class=\"article-layout\"><div class=\"article-reading\"><article class=\"prose\" id=\"article-content\"><div class=\"article-intro\" data-source-field=\"hero\"><p>Married men may seek affairs for many reasons, including emotional dissatisfaction, curiosity, a desire for excitement, or the need for validation. Understanding these motivations means exploring the complex mix of psychological, emotional, and social factors that shape behavior within intimate relationships.</p></div><p>Sometimes, marriages leave certain emotional needs unfulfilled, creating conditions that may lead to an affair. These unmet needs often include the longing for affirmation, admiration, and appreciation.</p><p>Many men have a longing to feel valued and respected for their efforts. When these needs go unmet, they may begin to seek validation elsewhere. Likewise, feeling desired and wanted by one’s spouse is critical for sustaining emotional intimacy. When that sense of connection diminishes, some men may turn to others in an attempt to reclaim feelings of desirability and self-worth.</p><p>Emotional affairs, in particular, can feel rewarding. They often develop through the sharing of personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences with someone outside the marriage, creating an emotional bond that can lead to betrayal and the erosion of trust. Even without physical intimacy, emotional affairs have the power to weaken the very <a class=\"article-inline-link\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/relationships\">foundation of a relationship</a> just as much as physical ones.</p><figure class=\"article-feature\"><img alt=\"Two adults sit apart at the edge of a bed.\" decoding=\"async\" height=\"527\" loading=\"eager\" src=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/6216deaacf7a13477620a92e.webp\" width=\"1000\"></figure><section aria-labelledby=\"key-takeaways\" class=\"article-takeaways\"><h2 id=\"key-takeaways\">Key takeaways</h2><ul><li>Affairs can involve emotional disconnection, a desire for validation, sexual dissatisfaction, or novelty seeking.</li><li>Both emotional and physical infidelity can damage trust and connection within a marriage.</li><li>Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity requires honesty, sustained effort, and mutual commitment to addressing relational problems.</li></ul></section><h2 id=\"key-reasons-for-affairs\">Key Reasons for Affairs</h2><p>Common motivations include emotional disconnection, a desire for validation, unmet sexual needs, and the craving for excitement or novelty. For some, an affair offers escape from routine or emotional emptiness within the marriage.</p><p>Infidelity is not always about physical attraction or impulsive temptation. Often, it reflects deeper <a class=\"article-inline-link\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/emotional-intimacy-in-marriage\">emotional or relational struggles</a>. Studies suggest that approximately 59.6% of divorces are linked to extramarital affairs⁠<sup class=\"citation-group\"><a class=\"article-citation\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#role-autophagy-cellular-homeostasis-disease\" data-reference-link=\"\" aria-label=\"Reference 1: Lindquist, Emory F., et al. (2014). The Role of Autophagy in Cellular Homeostasis and Disease. National Center for Biotechnology Information, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 2014. PubMed Central. Accessed February 8 2025.\" data-reference-number=\"1\">[1]</a></sup>, while the American Psychological Association reports that <a class=\"article-inline-link\" href=\"https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/features/cfp-0000012.pdf?utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=libra&amp;utm_content=external_resource&amp;utm_id=site-library-men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs&amp;utm_source=mentalhealth.com\" target=\"_blank\" data-link-follow=\"true\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">20% to 40% of divorces involve infidelity</a>.</p><section aria-label=\"Subject matter expert\" class=\"article-expert article-expert-inline\" data-expert-kind=\"related\" data-expert-layout=\"standard\"><p class=\"article-bio-role\">Subject matter expert</p><div class=\"article-expert-identity\"><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/dana-vince\" class=\"card-identity-photo\" aria-label=\"Dana Vince, LPC\"><img alt=\"\" height=\"64\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/84137611aa4e0c5cd188f838.jpg\" width=\"64\" decoding=\"async\"></a><h2><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/dana-vince\">Dana Vince, LPC</a></h2></div><p class=\"article-expert-focus\">Relationships and marriage counseling</p></section><h2 id=\"when-familiarity-turns-to-distance\">When Familiarity Turns to Distance</h2><p>As time passes, some marriages settle into patterns that feel repetitive or uninspired. The early excitement of romance may fade, replaced by routine and predictability. For some men, this familiarity can lead to boredom or emotional stagnation, making them more susceptible to temptation.</p><p>When relationships lose their sense of novelty, it becomes important to restore connection intentionally. Common warning signs may include:</p><ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Less open communication:</strong> Conversations become brief or superficial, with fewer opportunities for meaningful dialogue.</li>\n<li><strong>Reduced shared activities:</strong> Time once spent together feels limited, and shared interests may start to fade.</li>\n<li><strong>Decreased affection and appreciation:</strong> Physical touch and small gestures of gratitude or admiration occur less often, leaving one or both partners feeling unseen.</li>\n<li><strong>Increased distraction or secrecy:</strong> One partner may seem preoccupied, spend more time online, or become more private about messages and daily routines.</li>\n<li><strong>Emotional withdrawal:</strong> Irritability, impatience, or avoidance of conflict may replace warmth and engagement.</li>\n</ul><p>Noticing these early signs provides an opportunity to take meaningful steps before the gap widens. <a class=\"article-inline-link\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/relational-communication\">Reestablishing open communication</a>, expressing gratitude, and finding new ways to connect can help restore closeness and prevent further disconnection. Reintroducing variety, emotional openness, and shared experiences can rekindle intimacy and help prevent infidelity⁠<sup class=\"citation-group\"><a class=\"article-citation\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#script-analysis-relational-boredom-causes-feelings-coping-strategies\" data-reference-link=\"\" aria-label=\"Reference 2: Harasymchuk, Cheryl, and Beverley Fehr. (2010). A Script Analysis of Relational Boredom: Causes, Feelings, and Coping Strategies. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, vol. 29, no. 9, 2010, pp. 988–1019. Guilford Press. guilfordjournals.com. Accessed February 8 2025.\" data-reference-number=\"2\">[2]</a></sup>.</p><h2 id=\"emotional-affairs-vs-physical-affairs\">Emotional Affairs vs. Physical Affairs</h2><p>Emotional and physical affairs may look different, but they often begin in similar ways. Both can grow from unmet emotional needs, curiosity, or a longing for connection that feels absent in the relationship.</p><p>Emotional affairs often begin as innocent friendships and deepen over time through personal conversations and shared vulnerabilities. They center on emotional closeness, empathy, and the need to feel seen and valued. As bonds grow, they can become intimate enough to create a sense of betrayal, even when no physical relationship exists.</p><p>Physical affairs tend to arise from a desire for excitement, attraction, or sexual novelty. They may offer temporary satisfaction or distraction but rarely address the underlying emotional gaps that led to the disconnection in the first place.</p><p>Both forms of infidelity can leave devastating effects. When trust is broken, whether through emotional closeness or physical contact can weaken the foundation of the relationship. Rebuilding that trust requires consistent honesty, openness, and a shared effort to reconnect and repair the bond.</p><h2 id=\"pornography-and-affairs\">Pornography and Affairs</h2><p>Pornography can play a complex role in relationships, often reflecting unmet emotional or physical needs that parallel the motivations behind infidelity. For some men, it becomes a substitute for physical affairs, offering a form of escape or fantasy fulfillment. It may briefly meet needs for excitement or validation but often lead to <a class=\"article-inline-link\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/blog/how-pornography-distorts-intimate-relationships\">emotional distance within the marriage</a>.</p><p>As use increases, subtle warning signs may begin to appear. A partner might grow emotionally withdrawn, showing less interest in intimacy or communication. Secrecy around online habits or defensive reactions when the topic arises can also signal growing disconnection. </p><p>These shifts can weaken trust and create tension that mirrors the effects of an affair. Although not a traditional betrayal, excessive reliance on pornography can still lead to feelings of hurt, distance, and dissatisfaction within the relationship⁠<sup class=\"citation-group\"><a class=\"article-citation\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#but-whats-partner-up-associations-between-relationship-quality-pornography\" data-reference-link=\"\" aria-label=\"Reference 3: Kohut, Taylor, et al. (2021). But What’s Your Partner Up to? Associations Between Relationship Quality and Pornography Use Depend on Contextual Patterns of Use Within the Couple. Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 12, 2021. PubMed Central. Accessed October 10 2026.\" data-reference-number=\"3\">[3]</a></sup>.</p><span id=\"a-clinical-perspective-on-men-s-needs\" class=\"section-anchor-alias\" data-section-alias=\"a-clinical-perspective-on-mens-needs\" aria-hidden=\"true\"></span><h2 id=\"a-clinical-perspective-on-mens-needs\">A Clinical Perspective on Men’s Needs</h2><p>Focusing on men’s needs in relationships can offer valuable insight into why some pursue affairs. According to <a class=\"article-inline-link\" href=\"https://bakerpublishinggroup.com/products/9780800740993_his-needs-her-needs?utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=libra&amp;utm_content=external_resource&amp;utm_id=site-library-men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs&amp;utm_source=mentalhealth.com\" target=\"_blank\" data-link-follow=\"true\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Willard Harley’s book <em>His Needs, Her Needs</em></a>, the top five needs of men in marriage include:</p><ol class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Admiration</li>\n<li>Physical Attractiveness</li>\n<li>Recreational Companionship</li>\n<li>Sexual Fulfillment</li>\n<li>Domestic Support</li>\n</ol><p>Among these, admiration is often the most overlooked. In modern relationships, where traditional roles are shifting, many men struggle with feeling unappreciated or dismissed. When their contributions go unnoticed or are met with criticism, they may experience emotional disconnection and vulnerability to outside validation.</p><p>Recognizing this dynamic does not excuse infidelity but emphasizes areas where couples can grow. When partners learn to meet each other’s <a class=\"article-inline-link\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/emotional-health\">emotional needs</a>, particularly by maintaining balance between connection and sexual intimacy, they can strengthen their relationship and lower the risk of affairs⁠<sup class=\"citation-group\"><a class=\"article-citation\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#effects-sexual-shame-emotion-regulation-gender-sexual-desire\" data-reference-link=\"\" aria-label=\"Reference 4: Sævik, K. W., and C. Konijnenberg. (2023). The Effects of Sexual Shame, Emotion Regulation and Gender on Sexual Desire. Scientific Reports, vol. 13, no. 1, 2023, p. 4042. PubMed Central. Accessed February 8 2025.\" data-reference-number=\"4\">[4]</a></sup>.</p><h2 id=\"women-who-engage-with-married-men\">Women Who Engage with Married Men</h2><p>It is also important to understand the perspective of women who engage in affairs with married men. Their motivations can vary widely, and some common factors include:</p><ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Emotional Attraction:</strong> The perceived maturity or stability of a married man may seem appealing.</li>\n<li><strong>Desire for Attention:</strong> Some women are drawn to men who offer them emotional connection or validation.</li>\n<li><strong>Thrill of the Forbidden:</strong> The secrecy of an affair can feel exciting and energizing.</li>\n<li><strong>Lack of Commitment Pressure:</strong> A relationship with a married man can seem less demanding or safer emotionally.</li>\n</ul><p>While these relationships may bring moments of excitement, they often result in guilt, confusion, and emotional pain. Exploring the reasons behind the affair can uncover the deeper feelings and conflicts that shape infidelity, offering insight into the emotions that drive such choices⁠<sup class=\"citation-group\"><a class=\"article-citation\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#love-infidelity-causes-consequences\" data-reference-link=\"\" aria-label=\"Reference 5: Rokach, Ami, and Sybil H. Chan. (2023). Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, vol. 20, no. 5, 2023, p. 3904. PubMed Central. Accessed October 10 2026.\" data-reference-number=\"5\">[5]</a></sup>.</p><h2 id=\"healing-after-an-affair\">Healing After an Affair</h2><p>Rebuilding a relationship after an affair is challenging but entirely possible. Healing takes patience, honesty, and a shared commitment to growth. Recovery often begins with open communication, where both partners can talk about the reasons behind the affair and the emotions that came with it.</p><p>Transparency also plays a vital role during this stage; consistent honesty helps reestablish a sense of safety and trust. <a class=\"article-inline-link\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/marriage-family-therapy\">Seeking professional support</a> can make a difference, offering a neutral and supportive space to explore painful feelings and begin the process of repair.</p><p>With time, forgiveness creates space for healing and growth. When both partners remain committed to repair, the relationship can recover from betrayal and evolve into one that feels stronger, more open, and more connected than before.</p><h2 id=\"the-role-of-admiration-in-preventing-affairs\">The Role of Admiration in Preventing Affairs</h2><p>Criticism often damages relationships more than conflict itself. Many men crave admiration and appreciation as signs of love and respect. To strengthen a relationship and reduce the risk of infidelity, partners can:</p><ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Focus on appreciation rather than criticism.</li>\n<li>Express admiration for qualities and efforts.</li>\n<li>Maintain emotional and physical closeness.</li>\n</ul><p>Admiration supports respect and gratitude, reinforcing the emotional bond that protects relationships from disconnection. When partners feel valued, they are less likely to seek validation elsewhere.</p><h2 id=\"love-and-trust-after-an-affair\">Love and Trust After an Affair</h2><p>Even as independence and equality reshape modern relationships, trust and emotional connection remain essential. <a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/blog/a-story-of-healing-from-infidelity\" class=\"article-inline-link\" data-context-link=\"358\">Healing after infidelity</a> takes consistent effort, openness, and a shared commitment to rebuilding the bond between partners.</p><p>Couples who face challenges together often discover <a class=\"article-inline-link\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/resilience-relationships\">deeper understanding and resilience</a>. Through empathy, transparency, and steady appreciation, it becomes possible not only to recover from betrayal but to create a stronger and more genuine partnership. A marriage that learns from pain and chooses growth does more than survive; it thrives.</p></article><div class=\"article-endmatter\"><section class=\"article-sources\" data-reference-list=\"\" data-reference-style=\"author-date-title-source\" data-source-references=\"\" id=\"references\"><h2 id=\"references-2\">References</h2><ol><li id=\"role-autophagy-cellular-homeostasis-disease\" value=\"1\" data-reference-number=\"1\" data-reference-format=\"393\">Lindquist, Emory F., et al. (2014). <em class=\"reference-title\">The Role of Autophagy in Cellular Homeostasis and Disease.</em> National Center for Biotechnology Information, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 2014. <a href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4012696/?utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=libra&amp;utm_content=external_resource&amp;utm_id=site-library-men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs&amp;utm_source=mentalhealth.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\" class=\"reference-source\">PubMed Central</a>. Accessed February 8 2025.</li><li id=\"script-analysis-relational-boredom-causes-feelings-coping-strategies\" value=\"2\" data-reference-number=\"2\" data-reference-format=\"393\">Harasymchuk, Cheryl, and Beverley Fehr. (2010). <em class=\"reference-title\">A Script Analysis of Relational Boredom: Causes, Feelings, and Coping Strategies.</em> Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, vol. 29, no. 9, 2010, pp. 988–1019. Guilford Press. <a href=\"https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/10.1521/jscp.2010.29.9.988?utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=libra&amp;utm_content=external_resource&amp;utm_id=site-library-men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs&amp;utm_source=mentalhealth.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\" class=\"reference-source\">guilfordjournals.com</a>. Accessed February 8 2025.</li><li id=\"but-whats-partner-up-associations-between-relationship-quality-pornography\" value=\"3\" data-reference-number=\"3\" data-reference-format=\"393\">Kohut, Taylor, et al. (2021). <em class=\"reference-title\">But What’s Your Partner Up to? Associations Between Relationship Quality and Pornography Use Depend on Contextual Patterns of Use Within the Couple.</em> Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 12, 2021. <a href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8362880/?utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=libra&amp;utm_content=external_resource&amp;utm_id=site-library-men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs&amp;utm_source=mentalhealth.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\" class=\"reference-source\">PubMed Central</a>. Accessed October 10 2026.</li><li id=\"effects-sexual-shame-emotion-regulation-gender-sexual-desire\" value=\"4\" data-reference-number=\"4\" data-reference-format=\"393\">Sævik, K. W., and C. Konijnenberg. (2023). <em class=\"reference-title\">The Effects of Sexual Shame, Emotion Regulation and Gender on Sexual Desire.</em> Scientific Reports, vol. 13, no. 1, 2023, p. 4042. <a href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10006235/?utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=libra&amp;utm_content=external_resource&amp;utm_id=site-library-men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs&amp;utm_source=mentalhealth.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\" class=\"reference-source\">PubMed Central</a>. Accessed February 8 2025.</li><li id=\"love-infidelity-causes-consequences\" value=\"5\" data-reference-number=\"5\" data-reference-format=\"393\">Rokach, Ami, and Sybil H. Chan. (2023). <em class=\"reference-title\">Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences.</em> International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, vol. 20, no. 5, 2023, p. 3904. <a href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10002055/?utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=libra&amp;utm_content=external_resource&amp;utm_id=site-library-men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs&amp;utm_source=mentalhealth.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\" class=\"reference-source\">PubMed Central</a>. Accessed October 10 2026.</li></ol></section><section class=\"article-medical article-panel\"><h2 id=\"medical-content\">Medical Content</h2><p><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/clinical-affairs\">The Clinical Affairs Team</a> at MentalHealth.com is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience. They actively contribute to the development of content, products, and services, and meticulously review all medical material before publication to ensure accuracy and alignment with current research and conversations in mental health. For more information, please visit the <a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/publishing/editorial-policy\">Editorial Policy</a>.</p></section><section class=\"article-about article-panel\"><h2 id=\"about-mentalhealth-com\">About MentalHealth.com</h2><p>MentalHealth.com helps people understand themselves, build healthier relationships, and access the right care. We bring together mental health education, diagnostics, and care management to support well-being throughout every phase of life.</p><div class=\"article-contributors\"><section class=\"article-bio\"><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/dana-vince\" class=\"card-identity-photo\" aria-label=\"Dana Vince, LPC\"><img alt=\"\" height=\"64\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/84137611aa4e0c5cd188f838.jpg\" width=\"64\" decoding=\"async\"></a><div><p class=\"article-bio-role\">Author</p><h3 id=\"dana-vince\"><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/dana-vince\">Dana Vince, LPC</a></h3><p class=\"article-bio-credentials\">LPC, MHSP</p><p>Dana Vince is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in marriage counseling and helping families strengthen relationships through better communication.</p><dl><div><dt>Published</dt><dd><time datetime=\"2025-02-08T09:18:54Z\">February 8, 2025</time></dd></div><div><dt>Updated</dt><dd><time datetime=\"2025-10-27T00:42:50Z\">October 27, 2025</time></dd></div></dl></div></section><section class=\"article-bio\"><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/patrick-nagle\" class=\"card-identity-photo\" aria-label=\"Patrick Nagle\"><img alt=\"\" height=\"64\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/8af2743f6b0f153fa8424143.jpg\" width=\"64\" decoding=\"async\"></a><div><p class=\"article-bio-role\">Co-author</p><h3 id=\"patrick-nagle\"><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/patrick-nagle\">Patrick Nagle</a></h3><p class=\"article-bio-credentials\">Founder, CEO</p><p>Patrick Nagle is an accomplished tech entrepreneur and venture investor. Driven by personal and professional experience, he is committed to building a better mental health system.</p><dl><div><dt>Published</dt><dd><time datetime=\"2025-02-08T09:18:54Z\">February 8, 2025</time></dd></div><div><dt>Updated</dt><dd><time datetime=\"2025-10-27T00:42:50Z\">October 27, 2025</time></dd></div></dl></div></section><section class=\"article-bio\"><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson\" class=\"card-identity-photo\" aria-label=\"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.\"><img alt=\"\" height=\"64\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/73305651cb93afbdebb69a9a.jpg\" width=\"64\" decoding=\"async\"></a><div><p class=\"article-bio-role\">Medical Reviewer</p><h3 id=\"jesse-hanson-ph-d\"><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson\">Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.</a></h3><p class=\"article-bio-credentials\">Clinical Affairs Director</p><p>Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a somatic psychologist with more than 20 years of experience in clinical psychology and neuropsychology.</p><dl><div><dt>Reviewed</dt><dd><time datetime=\"2025-02-08\">February 8, 2025</time></dd></div></dl></div></section></div></section><section aria-label=\"Related community\" class=\"article-topic-community article-topic-community-end\"><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/community/marriage\" class=\"card-identity-photo\" aria-label=\"Marriage\"><img alt=\"\" class=\"topic-community-banner\" height=\"633\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/785fd7ff3dc1e8ee0699077b.webp\" width=\"1200\" decoding=\"async\" srcset=\"/assets/responsive/1552911e6628c44f0fe01066.webp 800w, /assets/optimized/785fd7ff3dc1e8ee0699077b.webp 1200w\" sizes=\"(min-width: 961px) 236px, calc(100vw - 80px)\"></a><p class=\"topic-community-label\">Related community</p><h2><a href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/community/marriage\">Marriage</a></h2><p>A space for perspectives on partnership, communication, and the changing experiences of married life.</p></section></div></div><aside aria-label=\"Article navigation and related information\" class=\"article-sidebar\" data-bounded-rail=\"\" tabindex=\"0\"><details class=\"article-contents\" data-expanded=\"false\" data-scrolled-past=\"false\" data-section-preview=\"3\" open=\"\"><summary><strong>Table of contents</strong><span aria-hidden=\"true\"></span><small data-current-section=\"\">Choose a section</small></summary><nav aria-label=\"Article contents\"><ol id=\"article-section-list\"><li><a aria-label=\"Key Reasons for Affairs\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#key-reasons-for-affairs\" title=\"Key Reasons for Affairs\">Key Reasons for Affairs</a></li><li><a aria-label=\"When Familiarity Turns to Distance\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#when-familiarity-turns-to-distance\" title=\"When Familiarity Turns to Distance\">When Familiarity Turns to Distance</a></li><li><a aria-label=\"Emotional Affairs vs. Physical Affairs\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#emotional-affairs-vs-physical-affairs\" title=\"Emotional Affairs vs. Physical Affairs\">Emotional Affairs vs. Physical Affairs</a></li><li><a aria-label=\"Pornography and Affairs\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#pornography-and-affairs\" title=\"Pornography and Affairs\">Pornography and Affairs</a></li><li><a aria-label=\"A Clinical Perspective on Men’s Needs\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#a-clinical-perspective-on-mens-needs\" title=\"A Clinical Perspective on Men’s Needs\">A Clinical Perspective on Men’s Needs</a></li><li><a aria-label=\"Women Who Engage with Married Men\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#women-who-engage-with-married-men\" title=\"Women Who Engage with Married Men\">Women Who Engage with Married Men</a></li><li><a aria-label=\"Healing After an Affair\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#healing-after-an-affair\" title=\"Healing After an Affair\">Healing After an Affair</a></li><li><a aria-label=\"The Role of Admiration in Preventing Affairs\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#the-role-of-admiration-in-preventing-affairs\" title=\"The Role of Admiration in Preventing Affairs\">The Role of Admiration in Preventing Affairs</a></li><li><a aria-label=\"Love and Trust After an Affair\" href=\"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#love-and-trust-after-an-affair\" title=\"Love and Trust After an Affair\">Love and Trust After an Affair</a></li></ol><button aria-controls=\"article-section-list\" aria-expanded=\"false\" class=\"article-sections-toggle\" data-sections-toggle=\"\" type=\"button\">View more</button></nav></details></aside></div></div></div>","text":"Home Library Relationships Married Men, Their Needs, and Affairs Married Men, Their Needs, and Affairs Medically reviewed by Jesse Hanson, Ph.D. – Written by Dana Vince and Patrick Nagle Published on February 8, 2025 · Updated on October 27, 2025 Married men may seek affairs for many reasons, including emotional dissatisfaction, curiosity, a desire for excitement, or the need for validation. Understanding these motivations means exploring the complex mix of psychological, emotional, and social factors that shape behavior within intimate relationships. Sometimes, marriages leave certain emotional needs unfulfilled, creating conditions that may lead to an affair. These unmet needs often include the longing for affirmation, admiration, and appreciation. Many men have a longing to feel valued and respected for their efforts. When these needs go unmet, they may begin to seek validation elsewhere. Likewise, feeling desired and wanted by one’s spouse is critical for sustaining emotional intimacy. When that sense of connection diminishes, some men may turn to others in an attempt to reclaim feelings of desirability and self-worth. Emotional affairs, in particular, can feel rewarding. They often develop through the sharing of personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences with someone outside the marriage, creating an emotional bond that can lead to betrayal and the erosion of trust. Even without physical intimacy, emotional affairs have the power to weaken the very foundation of a relationship just as much as physical ones. Key takeaways Affairs can involve emotional disconnection, a desire for validation, sexual dissatisfaction, or novelty seeking. Both emotional and physical infidelity can damage trust and connection within a marriage. Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity requires honesty, sustained effort, and mutual commitment to addressing relational problems. Key Reasons for Affairs Common motivations include emotional disconnection, a desire for validation, unmet sexual needs, and the craving for excitement or novelty. For some, an affair offers escape from routine or emotional emptiness within the marriage. Infidelity is not always about physical attraction or impulsive temptation. Often, it reflects deeper emotional or relational struggles. Studies suggest that approximately 59.6% of divorces are linked to extramarital affairs⁠[1], while the American Psychological Association reports that 20% to 40% of divorces involve infidelity. Subject matter expert Dana Vince, LPC Relationships and marriage counseling When Familiarity Turns to Distance As time passes, some marriages settle into patterns that feel repetitive or uninspired. The early excitement of romance may fade, replaced by routine and predictability. For some men, this familiarity can lead to boredom or emotional stagnation, making them more susceptible to temptation. When relationships lose their sense of novelty, it becomes important to restore connection intentionally. Common warning signs may include: Less open communication: Conversations become brief or superficial, with fewer opportunities for meaningful dialogue. Reduced shared activities: Time once spent together feels limited, and shared interests may start to fade. Decreased affection and appreciation: Physical touch and small gestures of gratitude or admiration occur less often, leaving one or both partners feeling unseen. Increased distraction or secrecy: One partner may seem preoccupied, spend more time online, or become more private about messages and daily routines. Emotional withdrawal: Irritability, impatience, or avoidance of conflict may replace warmth and engagement. Noticing these early signs provides an opportunity to take meaningful steps before the gap widens. Reestablishing open communication, expressing gratitude, and finding new ways to connect can help restore closeness and prevent further disconnection. Reintroducing variety, emotional openness, and shared experiences can rekindle intimacy and help prevent infidelity⁠[2]. Emotional Affairs vs. Physical Affairs Emotional and physical affairs may look different, but they often begin in similar ways. Both can grow from unmet emotional needs, curiosity, or a longing for connection that feels absent in the relationship. Emotional affairs often begin as innocent friendships and deepen over time through personal conversations and shared vulnerabilities. They center on emotional closeness, empathy, and the need to feel seen and valued. As bonds grow, they can become intimate enough to create a sense of betrayal, even when no physical relationship exists. Physical affairs tend to arise from a desire for excitement, attraction, or sexual novelty. They may offer temporary satisfaction or distraction but rarely address the underlying emotional gaps that led to the disconnection in the first place. Both forms of infidelity can leave devastating effects. When trust is broken, whether through emotional closeness or physical contact can weaken the foundation of the relationship. Rebuilding that trust requires consistent honesty, openness, and a shared effort to reconnect and repair the bond. Pornography and Affairs Pornography can play a complex role in relationships, often reflecting unmet emotional or physical needs that parallel the motivations behind infidelity. For some men, it becomes a substitute for physical affairs, offering a form of escape or fantasy fulfillment. It may briefly meet needs for excitement or validation but often lead to emotional distance within the marriage. As use increases, subtle warning signs may begin to appear. A partner might grow emotionally withdrawn, showing less interest in intimacy or communication. Secrecy around online habits or defensive reactions when the topic arises can also signal growing disconnection. These shifts can weaken trust and create tension that mirrors the effects of an affair. Although not a traditional betrayal, excessive reliance on pornography can still lead to feelings of hurt, distance, and dissatisfaction within the relationship⁠[3]. A Clinical Perspective on Men’s Needs Focusing on men’s needs in relationships can offer valuable insight into why some pursue affairs. According to Willard Harley’s book His Needs, Her Needs, the top five needs of men in marriage include: Admiration Physical Attractiveness Recreational Companionship Sexual Fulfillment Domestic Support Among these, admiration is often the most overlooked. In modern relationships, where traditional roles are shifting, many men struggle with feeling unappreciated or dismissed. When their contributions go unnoticed or are met with criticism, they may experience emotional disconnection and vulnerability to outside validation. Recognizing this dynamic does not excuse infidelity but emphasizes areas where couples can grow. When partners learn to meet each other’s emotional needs, particularly by maintaining balance between connection and sexual intimacy, they can strengthen their relationship and lower the risk of affairs⁠[4]. Women Who Engage with Married Men It is also important to understand the perspective of women who engage in affairs with married men. Their motivations can vary widely, and some common factors include: Emotional Attraction: The perceived maturity or stability of a married man may seem appealing. Desire for Attention: Some women are drawn to men who offer them emotional connection or validation. Thrill of the Forbidden: The secrecy of an affair can feel exciting and energizing. Lack of Commitment Pressure: A relationship with a married man can seem less demanding or safer emotionally. While these relationships may bring moments of excitement, they often result in guilt, confusion, and emotional pain. Exploring the reasons behind the affair can uncover the deeper feelings and conflicts that shape infidelity, offering insight into the emotions that drive such choices⁠[5]. Healing After an Affair Rebuilding a relationship after an affair is challenging but entirely possible. Healing takes patience, honesty, and a shared commitment to growth. Recovery often begins with open communication, where both partners can talk about the reasons behind the affair and the emotions that came with it. Transparency also plays a vital role during this stage; consistent honesty helps reestablish a sense of safety and trust. Seeking professional support can make a difference, offering a neutral and supportive space to explore painful feelings and begin the process of repair. With time, forgiveness creates space for healing and growth. When both partners remain committed to repair, the relationship can recover from betrayal and evolve into one that feels stronger, more open, and more connected than before. The Role of Admiration in Preventing Affairs Criticism often damages relationships more than conflict itself. Many men crave admiration and appreciation as signs of love and respect. To strengthen a relationship and reduce the risk of infidelity, partners can: Focus on appreciation rather than criticism. Express admiration for qualities and efforts. Maintain emotional and physical closeness. Admiration supports respect and gratitude, reinforcing the emotional bond that protects relationships from disconnection. When partners feel valued, they are less likely to seek validation elsewhere. Love and Trust After an Affair Even as independence and equality reshape modern relationships, trust and emotional connection remain essential. Healing after infidelity takes consistent effort, openness, and a shared commitment to rebuilding the bond between partners. Couples who face challenges together often discover deeper understanding and resilience. Through empathy, transparency, and steady appreciation, it becomes possible not only to recover from betrayal but to create a stronger and more genuine partnership. A marriage that learns from pain and chooses growth does more than survive; it thrives. References Lindquist, Emory F., et al. (2014). The Role of Autophagy in Cellular Homeostasis and Disease. National Center for Biotechnology Information, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 2014. PubMed Central. Accessed February 8 2025. Harasymchuk, Cheryl, and Beverley Fehr. (2010). A Script Analysis of Relational Boredom: Causes, Feelings, and Coping Strategies. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, vol. 29, no. 9, 2010, pp. 988–1019. Guilford Press. guilfordjournals.com. Accessed February 8 2025. Kohut, Taylor, et al. (2021). But What’s Your Partner Up to? Associations Between Relationship Quality and Pornography Use Depend on Contextual Patterns of Use Within the Couple. Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 12, 2021. PubMed Central. Accessed October 10 2026. Sævik, K. W., and C. Konijnenberg. (2023). The Effects of Sexual Shame, Emotion Regulation and Gender on Sexual Desire. Scientific Reports, vol. 13, no. 1, 2023, p. 4042. PubMed Central. Accessed February 8 2025. Rokach, Ami, and Sybil H. Chan. (2023). Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, vol. 20, no. 5, 2023, p. 3904. PubMed Central. Accessed October 10 2026. Medical Content The Clinical Affairs Team at MentalHealth.com is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience. They actively contribute to the development of content, products, and services, and meticulously review all medical material before publication to ensure accuracy and alignment with current research and conversations in mental health. For more information, please visit the Editorial Policy. About MentalHealth.com MentalHealth.com helps people understand themselves, build healthier relationships, and access the right care. We bring together mental health education, diagnostics, and care management to support well-being throughout every phase of life. Author Dana Vince, LPC LPC, MHSP Dana Vince is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in marriage counseling and helping families strengthen relationships through better communication. Published February 8, 2025 Updated October 27, 2025 Co-author Patrick Nagle Founder, CEO Patrick Nagle is an accomplished tech entrepreneur and venture investor. Driven by personal and professional experience, he is committed to building a better mental health system. Published February 8, 2025 Updated October 27, 2025 Medical Reviewer Jesse Hanson, Ph.D. Clinical Affairs Director Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a somatic psychologist with more than 20 years of experience in clinical psychology and neuropsychology. Reviewed February 8, 2025 Related community Marriage A space for perspectives on partnership, communication, and the changing experiences of married life. Table of contentsChoose a section Key Reasons for Affairs When Familiarity Turns to Distance Emotional Affairs vs. Physical Affairs Pornography and Affairs A Clinical Perspective on Men’s Needs Women Who Engage with Married Men Healing After an Affair The Role of Admiration in Preventing Affairs Love and Trust After an Affair View more","wordCount":1885},"schema":{"@context":"https://schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Organization","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/#organization","name":"MentalHealth.com","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/","publishingPrinciples":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/publishing/editorial-policy"},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/#website","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/","name":"MentalHealth.com","inLanguage":"en-US","publisher":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/#organization"}},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Library","item":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"Relationships","item":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/relationships"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":4,"name":"Married Men, Their Needs, and Affairs","item":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs"}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#primaryimage","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/6216deaacf7a13477620a92e.webp","contentUrl":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/6216deaacf7a13477620a92e.webp","width":1000,"height":527,"encodingFormat":"image/webp","caption":"Two adults sit apart at the edge of a bed."},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/dana-vince#person","name":"Dana Vince","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/dana-vince","jobTitle":"LPC, MHSP","image":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/84137611aa4e0c5cd188f838.jpg","sameAs":["https://www.linkedin.com/in/danavincemarriagecounselor/"],"memberOf":[{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/publishing#department"}]},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/patrick-nagle#person","name":"Patrick Nagle","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/patrick-nagle","jobTitle":"Founder, CEO","image":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/8af2743f6b0f153fa8424143.jpg","sameAs":["https://www.linkedin.com/in/patricknagle/"],"memberOf":[{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/leadership#department"},{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/digital-operations#department"}]},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson#person","name":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/people/jesse-hanson","jobTitle":"Clinical Affairs Director","image":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/assets/optimized/73305651cb93afbdebb69a9a.jpg","sameAs":["https://www.linkedin.com/in/jesse-hanson-phd-7215216/"],"memberOf":[{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/clinical-affairs#department"},{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/leadership#department"}]},{"@type":"Article","@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#article","url":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs","headline":"Married Men, Their Needs, and Affairs","description":"Explores why some married men seek affairs, the emotional needs behind infidelity, and ways couples can heal and rebuild trust.","wordCount":1398,"mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs#webpage"},"publisher":{"@id":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/#organization"},"articleSection":"Relationships","citation":[{"@type":"CreativeWork","name":"Lindquist, Emory F., et al. 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