How can I overcome my past and trust my partner?
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.
– Written by
Ann Landers
– Updated on September 7, 2025
Question
I’ve been in my current relationship for almost a year. Before this, I was with someone for about two and a half years. During that time, we often talked about marriage, and she assured me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me but things changed after she left for college, and eventually, so did her feelings.
Now, I’m in a relationship that feels truly special. It’s loving, supportive, and full of potential. Still, I struggle to believe my partner when she says things like “we’ll be together forever” or promises that she won’t change her mind. Deep down, I know this relationship feels more meaningful and secure than my last, yet I can’t seem to fully trust her words.
What makes this harder is that she’s done nothing to make me doubt her. My inability to let go of past hurt is starting to wear on her, and I know it’s unfair. I want to stop letting old wounds cloud something that could be beautiful. How can I work through this and stop letting my fear get in the way?
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Answer
It is not uncommon for a person who has been dropped on his butt unexpectedly to become cautious about believing statements to the effect of “my love will never die”. After all, this is what you had heard before and it turned out to be not so true. So, in a way, you’ve learned an important life lesson which could make you less naive with regards to future love relationships.
The problem seems to be that you are over-generalizing this important lesson. Sure, you have every right to have a little doubt in your mind that your girlfriend will be able to deliver on her statement, “we’ll be together forever”.
She might fall out of love with you, she might die, you might die, she might have an affair, you might have an affair, etc. You are right in the technical sense to distrust her statements. However, while it is okay to keep a little doubt about your relationship present in your mind, you should not allow this doubt to contaminate your ability to join with her in the joy and love that are possible in this moment.
When your present girlfriend says, “We’ll be together forever” she is probably expressing how she feels right now. If you allow your fears about the future to stomp on the love you can have now you are loosing out on something very precious. You were too naive your first time out and you got hurt. Now, in your second time out, you are being over cautious.
Work back towards the middle where you can be present with your girlfriend in love and joy, and harbor just enough doubt about whether you both can make it to keep yourself protected from sneak attacks.
Relax and enjoy what you have AND remain prepared to be alone (if it becomes necessary). If you need help with finding this balance, by all means seek the counsel of an older and wiser man who has been through this common life process before and can help you out.
Medical Content
The Clinical Affairs Team at MentalHealth.com is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience. They actively contribute to the development of content, products, and services, and meticulously review all medical material before publication to ensure accuracy and alignment with current research and conversations in mental health. For more information, please visit the Editorial Policy.
About MentalHealth.com
MentalHealth.com is a health technology company dedicated to guiding people toward self-understanding and human connection. We provide reliable resources, accessible services, and nurturing communities that educate, support, and empower people throughout their mental health journey.
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a somatic psychologist with more than 20 years of experience in clinical psychology and neuropsychology.
Ann Landers was a writer who specialized in offering advice from the perspective of a mentor or friend. She wrote blogs focused on friendship, romantic relationships, heartbreak, and beyond.
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Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.
– Written by
Ann Landers
– Updated on September 7, 2025
Additional Reading
The Clinical Affairs Team at MentalHealth.com is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience. They actively contribute to the development of content, products, and services, and meticulously review all medical material before publication to ensure accuracy and alignment with current research and conversations in mental health. For more information, please visit the Editorial Policy.
MentalHealth.com is a health technology company dedicated to guiding people toward self-understanding and human connection. We provide reliable resources, accessible services, and nurturing communities that educate, support, and empower people throughout their mental health journey.