Should I leave my depressed, controlling husband?
Question
I’ve been married since I was 19. Almost four years ago, my husband was injured at work and since then, we’ve been together almost constantly. After his accident he developed depression. At one point, he became suicidal and was put on strong anti-depressants, which seemed to help. Lately, he seems to be getting worse again.
He gets angry when I don’t want to share my feelings with him but when I do open up, he just ends up blaming me. He claims he’s done everything to help me gain self-confidence, but in reality, I feel worn down. I don’t even have the confidence to cook a simple dinner for him and our children. I can’t decide what to make and nothing feels good enough.
He wanted me to work, so I found a part-time job close to home. We live in a small town with very few job options, especially for someone without skills or training. He takes the car every day, driving around looking for a job for himself. Then he gets upset because I’m not looking for full-time work, but I don’t have transportation to go out and search or to get to a job if I find one.
He also reads my messages on the computer, listens to my phone calls, and gets mad if I talk to friends about how things are going. I feel like I have no one to talk to. We’ve talked about marriage counseling, but he called my parents and told them the marriage was over. The problem is we don’t have insurance and are struggling to get by on disability payments and the small amount I make from my part-time job.
He’s been searching for work in a town about 70 miles away and mentioned getting an apartment there during the week. I had a job interview in that town yesterday, and there’s a good chance I’ll get the job. Should I get an apartment there too and take some time to think about what we should do? I feel lost and don’t know where to turn. It seems like there is no help for us.
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Answer
Sometimes the best thing to do is to pull back and look at your situation from a distance. Here is my distant perspective on what you’ve said. Your marriage is in distress. Your husband is likely very depressed – and feeling inadequate. Most destructive to your marriage is his controlling behavior, which is extreme enough that you are at times afraid of him. You are torn I would guess between your feelings duty to your marriage and your husband, pain over the lack of intimacy in your life, and probably also some feeling of wanting to get some distance from a toxic situation.
All of these feelings would be completely reasonable responses to your situation. You yourself have become at times depressed and/or have lost confidence in your self as a capable person. But – it is clear from your story that you are actually a capable person. You’ve held your family together in the midst of substantial and ongoing crisis. You are strong. We learn about how capable we are from those around us.
Your husband is trying to control your access to other people who could support you and help you to see how strong you are. He probably has his reasons for doing this. He is probably depressed and feeling very insecure as a man. His verbal attacks on you are probably his way of “kicking the dog” or escaping his insecurity feelings by feeling powerful in the act of controlling you. If this is what he is doing (and I’m not there to know) then you should know that ‘kicking the dog’ like I’ve described is dysfunctional and immature behavior on his part. You shouldn’t fall for it, and you shouldn’t think that you are necessarily doing anything wrong.
Just watch out for potential for him to become violent – and get yourself away from him if he becomes violent. The important thing here is that you understand that he is wrong (and ill!) to try and control you in this way. You and your family need the support of others now – to help you to see your strength, and to help support you when you are hurting. You should not accept his attempts to control you, or put you down. Continuing to live like this will further crush your spirit. I think it will be wise for you to talk about how difficult things are with supportive friends – and how things can get better.
Find a way to afford the marriage counseling. Many counselors will work on a sliding scale fee or will allow you to pay in instalments. If you are near a university there may be cheap counseling available through a psychology clinic there. This could be the best investment you ever make. Regarding your chances for finding work, my thinking is that, assuming you can make sure your children are adequately cared for, and assuming you want to have this job, it may be worth your while to take this job. Having the space away from your husband may help you to find the support and the self-confidence you need to go on.
Doing well at a job can help you feel confident about yourself. And having the money to help your family out won’t hurt either. Best of luck to you. And don’t let your man tell you your worth, especially when his judgement is impaired by illness. Good luck!