Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Manipulation

Living with someone who has Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can sometimes feel frustrating. When their behaviors (like asking for constant reassurance or insisting on certain routines) affect your daily life, it’s easy to misinterpret them as controlling or manipulative.

But these actions aren’t about trying to control you; they’re attempts to manage overwhelming anxiety. Nevertheless, this misunderstanding can significantly strain relationships, as it’s hard to stay patient when your partner or loved one’s struggles are running the show. So, let’s take a close look at OCD and manipulation.

What Is Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?

OCD, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, is marked by intrusive thoughts, obsessions, and compulsive behavior. It is rooted in fear and an inflated sense of “perceived responsibility for harm”^[1]. This anxiety response leads to compulsive behaviors to neutralize the perceived threats.

Many people joke about having OCD. “I’m so OCD about my closet!” someone might say if they keep their clothes neat and color-coded. However, this can undermine the severity of the condition.

How OCD Impacts Daily Life

Before we look at whether or not people with OCD are manipulative, we need to start by understanding the disorder and get to grips with how unwanted and intrusive thoughts lead to behaviors.

Let’s imagine walking into a grocery store. A person with OCD may have an immediate intrusive thought, which will cause them immense distress. To get relief from this high state of anxiety, they will feel a compulsive need to do something to soothe their fears.

There are several kinds of OCD. So, the obsessive and intrusive thoughts can differ, as can the compulsions that follow. The table below shows some examples of a few thoughts a person might struggle with when going to a store.

OCD Thought	Type of OCD	Compulsion or Ritual
“What if I touch something dirty and get sick?”	Contamination OCD	Sanitizing every item before putting it in the cart or even wearing gloves.
“What if I forgot to lock the car?”	Checking OCD	Running back to the parking lot several times to check if the car is locked.
“What if I hurt someone with my shopping cart?”	Malevolent or Harm OCD	Staying away from other shoppers and avoiding aisles with potentially harmful products.
“What if I don’t arrange my groceries in a specific order and something bad happens?”	Just Right OCD	Arranging every item in the cart by size, color, and type; refusing to check out otherwise.
“Is it sinful to buy this product?”	Scrupulosity or Religious OCD	Obsessively reading labels to ensure they’re ethical and seeking reassurance from others.
“What if I think about something inappropriate while shopping?”	Pure OCD	May include mental rituals or avoidance behaviors to suppress or neutralize the thought.
“What if my partner disapproves of what I’m buying?”	Relationship OCD	Calling one’s partner about every item before buying.

The important part to note is that these thoughts and compulsions are distressing and interfere with everyday life. It can make visiting the store a grueling process. But does this lead to manipulation?

What Is Manipulation?

Manipulation refers to using tactics to control or influence another person for personal gain or interest. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology lists six types of tactics:

• Charm
• Silent treatment
• Coercion
• Reason
• Regression
• Debasement^[2]

We are all familiar with manipulation in one form or another. We might see it in politicians using charm to gain votes (charm is a common tactic to elicit a wanted behavior). Stonewalling or silent treatment (a way of withdrawing love and affection) is another common tactic to punish a significant other or child.

Regardless of the tactic, manipulation is universally seen as negative because it is always done for a self-serving purpose (even if that purpose is nothing more than relief from boredom). We associate it with traits like narcissism.

The reasoning here is simple. If you choose to influence somebody for a positive reason (not a selfish one), we call it persuasion, not manipulation.

How OCD Symptoms Can Be Misinterpreted as Manipulation

When we put the motivations behind OCD alongside manipulation, we can see distinct differences. Those with OCD are trying to prevent harm they feel disproportionately responsible for keeping at bay.

So, the key is that manipulation is not inherent in OCD, but certain OCD traits can come across as manipulative. Let’s go over them.

1. Those with OCD often also struggle with attachment anxiety (fear of rejection)^[3]. This can lead to constantly needing reassurance from others that they will not be abandoned and are loved. They may also need other kinds of constant validation to ease their fears.
2. They struggle with feeling more responsible than anyone else for preventing bad things from happening. This excessive sense of responsibility and need to protect people can lead them to expect others to comply with their rules, such as excessive hand-washing^[4].
3. OCD patients often have a very heightened sense of morality and can hold themselves to unrealistic standards. This may also lead to attempts to make others comply with their ideas of what is moral or correct, which can appear controlling.
4. Cognitive distortions are common in OCD, such as overestimating the likelihood of danger or feeling the need for certainty, which can lead them to extend their rigid rules to those around them. The idea is that if everyone complies, they can prevent negative outcomes.
5. Those with OCD also struggle with conflicting feelings about themselves, which is another factor that leads to a lot of reassurance seeking from others^[5].
6. Another factor is that their intrusive thoughts can lead them to desperately try to avoid certain situations to cope with their fears and anxiety^[6]. So, they may deflect responsibility onto others to avoid dealing with situations that trigger their fears.

Intentional Manipulation vs. OCD Behaviors

When we look at the above, we can see how being around someone with OCD might make us feel manipulated. Let’s take a closer look at the nuances involved.

Actual manipulation is an intentional calculation for personal gain. In contrast, somebody with OCD is usually not acting intentionally. They are acting on compulsions. For example, if they were to have contamination OCD, they might insist on extreme hygiene rules in the house.

This isn’t about control but rather an intense fear and disgust of contamination. It’s not necessarily selfish, either. They are usually trying to protect everyone from getting sick or contaminated, not just themselves.

Secondly, manipulation is deliberate. Somebody giving you the silent treatment knows they are trying to affect your behavior to suit their desired outcome. In the case of OCD, the need to get relief from the fear through certain rituals is so all-consuming they typically are not aware of how it may affect the people around them.

Finally, there is the question of emotional distress. Manipulators typically do not feel or show much emotional distress when acting to achieve their outcomes. Conversely, those who struggle with OCD usually struggle with very high levels of distress associated with their obsessions and compulsions. They are also more likely to experience intense guilt and shame.

How Does OCD Affect Interpersonal Relationships?

Even when we eliminate deliberate manipulation as a factor behind problems in interpersonal relationships, OCD is still prone to issues in this area. Miscommunication and misunderstanding are two main reasons for this.

As discussed above, when somebody with OCD is showing compulsive behaviors, it can be misunderstood as controlling. This leads to anger, frustration, and resentment in the other party.

A second problem is the high levels of emotional distress. The constant presence of obsessions and compulsions results in a lot of emotional strain. Partners can feel helpless, and those with OCD can feel inadequate or a burden.

Another source of tension is constant reassurance-seeking. The person who needs to give this reassurance can feel overwhelmed or even manipulated into providing validation and comfort.

In some cases, attempts to be supportive can backfire. When partners try their best to accommodate OCD behaviors, they can accidentally reinforce them.

Another problem is feeling criticized. When you are living with someone with a phobia of contamination, for example, it can feel like nothing you do is good enough to meet their standards for hygiene.

Among the OCD subtypes, there is also Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD). Somebody with ROCD may be constantly plagued with doubts about their partner or the relationship. This leads to compulsive reassurance-seeking behaviors, further straining the relationship^[7].

Coping Strategies for Individuals with OCD and Their Loved Ones

Although this is an immensely challenging disorder, there are several ways to cope effectively.

1. Open dialogue is key. Both parties must communicate honestly and clearly and create an environment of mutual understanding to diffuse isolating feelings of shame, guilt, resentment, and frustration.
2. Setting boundaries is equally important. When we set firm but loving boundaries, we can manage expectations regarding reassurance-seeking or controlling behaviors. This also gives the loved one some relief from frustration and resentment.
3. Loved ones must take time to understand the disorder so they can respond more effectively to the needs of the individual with OCD. It also prevents misunderstandings, such as feeling the person is intentionally manipulative.
4. Both parties must set aside time to engage in positive activities that divert attention away from compulsive urges. This could be exercise, hobbies, or just watching a movie together.

When to Seek Professional Help

The symptoms of OCD fall on a spectrum from mild to severe. However, regardless of the symptoms’ severity, they can quickly become disabling without treatment. This is why an OCD diagnosis typically needs professional intervention.

Family or group counseling can be vital to help loved ones and those with OCD learn effective communication and coping strategies together.

For the individual, there are several treatment options:

1. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that incorporates exposure and response prevention (ERP), is the gold-standard treatment for OCD treatment^[8]. It involves safely exposing patients to their fears while preventing the compulsive behaviors attached to them. This builds tolerance for their anxieties.
2. A psychiatrist may also prescribe certain medications to be used in conjunction with therapy.
3. Another helpful therapy is planning-focused coping styles, which provide people with OCD tools to plan for situations that trigger anxiety, steering them away from purely emotional responses^[9].

Conclusion

In short, OCD compulsions are motivated by fear, not self-interest. And while this can be challenging for loved ones, the disorder does not mean the person is intentionally manipulative.

Nevertheless, since the compulsions and high levels of anxiety can strain relationships, it is critical that anybody struggling with OCD receives professional support and that loved ones join them in counseling, with open communication, to strengthen understanding and bonds.