How do I stop needing so much attention?
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.
– Written by
Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.
– Updated on August 20, 2025
Question
I am 29, female, and have been married for two years and I struggle with a serious craving for attention. In almost every relationship or social setting, I feel obsessed with being the center of attention. I will go to great lengths to get it, and when I do not, even for a short time, I end up behaving in ways that hurt my relationships.
This behavior has pushed away people I have known and cared about for years. I think it might go back to childhood. I received a lot of attention growing up, and maybe I became dependent on that kind of validation.
I find myself doing things just to get a reaction. I send people messages or emails just to make them respond. When they do not, I get upset, sometimes irrationally so. I have even chosen jobs like teaching, where people are more or less forced to pay attention to me.
But this constant need is ruining my life. I am getting into serious arguments, completely my fault, and I have started to rely on unhealthy and even harmful ways to cope. I know this is not sustainable, and I want to change before I destroy more of my relationships and my sense of self.
- Dr. Dombeck responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Dombeck intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Dombeck to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Dombeck, MentalHealth.com, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Dombeck and Mentalhealth.com, LLC disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer
You have enough insight to know that what you are doing isn’t working, but it isn’t enough to stop you from doing it. This is common, as your cravings are very likely to be highly emotional in nature, while your understanding of your issues is merely rational. Emotion almost always trumps rationality in this most imperfect world of ours. Or, at least it is a struggle for everyone to behave rationally when they are in distress.
Clearly, it is not enough for you to merely understand your issue. Instead, you have to learn to recognize when you are about to do something self-destructive before it happens, and to then act on this insight so as to do something that will feel quite distinctly weird at first; to act in a more healthy way instead of the seductively self-destructive way. This is a hard and difficult process, very much like learning to live sober when you’re an addict. It is best done under the supervision of a skilled psychotherapist, preferably one of the cognitive-behavioral persuasion.
A therapist whom you work with on a regular basis is important, because you are in the habit of doing things one way, and without the regular guidance, supervision and accountability that a therapist can provide, you won’t break that habit. Therapy that will benefit you best will need to be gentle but constantly there for a long period of time not unlike braces for your teeth.
Without the therapist, there is no corrective pressure to push you in the right direction. A behavioral therapist is important, because you need more than just understanding, compassion and good will to make changes. What you need is an engineer who will help you dissect your problem behavior, identify the complex chain of events that leads you to do self-destructive things, understand your ‘triggers’ and help you develop viable alternative behaviors.
Medical Content
The Clinical Affairs Team at MentalHealth.com is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience. They actively contribute to the development of content, products, and services, and meticulously review all medical material before publication to ensure accuracy and alignment with current research and conversations in mental health. For more information, please visit the Editorial Policy.
About MentalHealth.com
We are a health technology company that guides people toward self-understanding and connection. The platform provides reliable resources, accessible services, and nurturing communities. Its purpose is to educate, support, and empower people in their pursuit of well-being.
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a somatic psychologist with more than 20 years of experience in clinical psychology and neuropsychology.
Mark Dombeck, Ph.D. is a trauma-informed psychologist with over 30 years of experience helping people navigate mental health challenges.
Be the first to read new articles from Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.
Join MentalHealth.com for free to get updates
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.
– Written by
Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.
– Updated on August 20, 2025
Additional Reading
The Clinical Affairs Team at MentalHealth.com is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience. They actively contribute to the development of content, products, and services, and meticulously review all medical material before publication to ensure accuracy and alignment with current research and conversations in mental health. For more information, please visit the Editorial Policy.
We are a health technology company that guides people toward self-understanding and connection. The platform provides reliable resources, accessible services, and nurturing communities. Its purpose is to educate, support, and empower people in their pursuit of well-being.