How do I encourage compassion in my 4-year-old son?
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.
– Written by
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
– Updated on September 7, 2025
Question
My son laughs when a person gets hurt and smiles when someone is crying. He just does not show much remorse or compassion to others his age or especially to me. What is this called and what can I do?????
- Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Schwartz, MentalHealth.com, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and MentalHealth.com, LLC disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer
Hi Mom,
The very first thing you can do is to stop worrying. Your son is only four years old. There is no word to fix onto your son other than he is four years old. Oh, yes, I said that already (smile).
Please do not misunderstand me. It is good that you are an alert and caring parent. You just need to be more patient and understanding.
At four years of age children have a very little idea about things like compassion. That’s because they tend to be focused on their selves. It’s kind of like telling him to “act his age.” Well, he is.
However, what is most important for a parent to do is to behave in the ways you eventually want him to do. Children imitate the behaviors of their parents. They closely watch us, carefully observe everything we do, including how we treat other people. Therefore, its important for you and your husband to show compassion and love to one another, as well as to him. Oh, this is why its important for kids to be shielded from violent television shows, including cartoons. They learn all the wrong messages from those things.
What you can also do is to calmly explain to him that he “should not laugh when Mommy gets hurt because it makes her feel bad.” He may not really know what you mean right now but it gets stored in his brain and will take hold. However, if you yell and punish him he will only remember being punished.
One more thing: Little children such as your son can be very aggressive towards each other. That is why parents need to be there supervising. They get themselves into situations where they need adults to calm things down and explain why they have to act nice, even if little “Johnny” was being unfare.
Please be patient with your son and do not make him into a psychological case.
Best of Luck
Medical Content
The Clinical Affairs Team at MentalHealth.com is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience. They actively contribute to the development of content, products, and services, and meticulously review all medical material before publication to ensure accuracy and alignment with current research and conversations in mental health. For more information, please visit the Editorial Policy.
About MentalHealth.com
We are a health technology company that guides people toward self-understanding and connection. The platform provides reliable resources, accessible services, and nurturing communities. Its purpose is to educate, support, and empower people in their pursuit of well-being.
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a somatic psychologist with more than 20 years of experience in clinical psychology and neuropsychology.
Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. is a medical writer with more than 30 years of clinical experience as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. He writes on a wide range of mental health topics, including mood and anxiety disorders, eating disorders, trauma, abuse, stress, and relationship challenges.
Be the first to read new articles from Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
Join MentalHealth.com for free to get updates
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.
– Written by
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
– Updated on September 7, 2025
Additional Reading
The Clinical Affairs Team at MentalHealth.com is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience. They actively contribute to the development of content, products, and services, and meticulously review all medical material before publication to ensure accuracy and alignment with current research and conversations in mental health. For more information, please visit the Editorial Policy.
We are a health technology company that guides people toward self-understanding and connection. The platform provides reliable resources, accessible services, and nurturing communities. Its purpose is to educate, support, and empower people in their pursuit of well-being.