Long-Term Effects on Birthmothers After Adoption

For many birthmothers, placing a child for adoption is a complex and emotional decision, often accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, and loss. Social stigma can deepen these emotions, making the healing process even more complex. Reasons for adoption vary, ranging from financial hardship to lack of support, each shaping a mother’s long-term emotional experience. Understanding these challenges is essential to supporting birthmothers through post-adoption grief and offering pathways for coping, healing, and emotional resilience.

Is It Normal for Birth Mothers to Experience Grief After Adoption?

Grief is a natural response to placing a child for adoption, but it is often more complex than people realize. It encompasses many emotions, including loss, anger, longing, denial, regret, worry, and even relief.

Every birthmother’s experience of grief is unique, and the intensity of their grief varies. However, recognizing the depth and complexity of this grief is crucial to providing the support these mothers need. 

Post-Adoption Perinatal Grief

Experts refer to what many birthmothers experience as post-adoption perinatal grief ^[1]. This form of grief stems from “ambiguous loss,” a type of grief with little prospect of closure. Unlike the loss of a loved one through death, the child still exists, leading birthmothers to search for answers they may never find, prolonging their ability to process the trauma.

It’s also worth noting that studies indicate roughly 10 to 15% of birth mothers (and fathers) suffer postpartum depression, compounding the emotional burden ^[2].

Secondary Losses

Beyond the initial grief, birthmothers frequently experience secondary losses, an aspect of the adoption journey that can feel especially overwhelming. These losses often include the absence of anticipated experiences and future possibilities, such as witnessing a child’s first steps, birthdays, or graduations. Many birthmothers report being deeply affected by dreams or thoughts of their child and struggle with the ongoing emotional impact of their absence. Birthmothers need to approach this topic with care and self-compassion.

Prolonged Complicated Grief and Trauma

Certain circumstances surrounding adoption, such as coercion or external pressure to relinquish a child, can significantly intensify long-term psychological effects. Some birthmothers go on to develop chronic complications related to complex grief and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), including flashbacks, emotional numbness, and physical symptoms ^[3]. In particularly severe cases, birthmothers have reported dissociative episodes, with some unable to recall signing the adoption papers, underscoring the profound depth of their trauma ^[4].

Research also indicates that the sense of loss many birthmothers feel does not fade with time. In fact, 45% report that their grief worsens as the years go on, often remaining constant for decades ^[5]. As Dr. Condon notes in The Medical Journal of Australia, over half of birthmothers experience debilitating grief that manifests both emotionally and physically, frequently persisting as chronic depression or bodily distress, with little to no relief as time passes ^[6].

Self-Esteem Issues for Birthmothers

This extensive, often complicated, and prolonged grief is only one facet of the psychological impact birthmothers may face after placing a child for adoption. The experience can profoundly disrupt a birthmother’s sense of identity; many report feeling fragmented, caught between the reality of having given birth and the reality of not raising their child ^[7]. 

The stigma associated with unplanned pregnancies and adoption may further compound these challenges, fostering feelings of shame and inadequacy that negatively affect self-esteem. Compounding this, the emotional conflict between profound love for their child and the pain of separation can lead to enduring internal distress.

How to Cope as a Birthmother After Adoption

Understanding the extensive psychological impact of adoption is essential, but equally important is focusing on the healing process. There are steps birthmothers can take to navigate their grief and begin rebuilding their lives:

1. Seek Professional Help

When complex grief begins to interfere with daily functioning, professional support may be necessary. Working with a therapist or counselor specializing in adoption-related issues can provide targeted guidance and relief. Research indicates that nearly half of birthmothers report unresolved grief that persists over time, highlighting the importance of seeking therapy and treatment as early as possible.

Specific therapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT), or trauma-informed care can all be invaluable when coping with loss and healing.

2. Recognizing Emotions

All emotions surrounding adoption are valid, regardless of how much time has passed. Recognizing and making space for these feelings is critical to the healing process.

For grieving birthmothers, it is important to affirm that, regardless of the adoption outcome, they remain mothers. Research shows that prenatal attachment often begins well before birth, creating a deep emotional bond between mother and child ^[8]. Adoption does not erase this connection.

As with any mother, the emotions associated with being separated from a child are entirely legitimate. These feelings may be complex, confusing, overwhelming, or even contradictory, but acknowledging them is essential to healing.

3. Addressing False Narratives

When a mother determines that she lacks the financial, social, or emotional resources to raise a child, she is often faced with one of the most challenging decisions of her life. While society may mistakenly frame adoption as a failure, it is, in many cases, an act of profound love and selflessness.

Birthmothers need to work with a therapist who can help challenge internalized false beliefs or damaging narratives surrounding adoption. Nothing is inadequate about making the most responsible and compassionate decision for a child’s future. Choosing what one believes is best for their child is not a failure but a testament to strength and care.

4. Social Support

A lack of social support is often a contributing factor in the decision to place a child for adoption, but post-adoption, isolation can significantly intensify grief. Rebuilding a sense of connection and belonging is essential for emotional recovery.

While support from family and friends is ideal, it is not the only option. Birthmothers are encouraged to join support groups or seek out others who have faced similar decisions. Community resources can be a valuable starting point; if local options are limited, online groups offer accessible alternatives. Connecting with others who share similar experiences in person or virtually can provide meaningful comfort and help restore a sense of belonging.

5. Self-Care & Meaningful Rituals

Honoring that sacrifice of adoption through intentional self-care and routine can be a powerful part of the healing process.

Engaging in regular self-care practices, such as exercise, therapy, meditation, or creative expression, can help restore emotional balance and support long-term well-being. Maintaining healthy boundaries is equally important, especially with those who may not fully understand the adoption experience.

In addition, participating in meaningful rituals can offer comfort, validation, and a sense of continuity. This might include journaling, lighting a candle on their child’s birthday, planting a tree, or holding an entrustment ceremony. These rituals provide space to acknowledge both grief and love, helping birthmothers process their experience and find moments of peace and closure.

Can Open Adoption Reduce Negative Psychological Effects?

The grief and trauma of giving a child up for adoption can be significantly mitigated through open adoption, which allows for contact between the birth mother and adoptee. Maintaining contact with the child and adoptive family, through letters, photos, or visits, reduces worry, guilt, and ambiguous loss. Research shows that birthmothers in open adoptions experience lower levels of depression and anxiety compared to those in closed adoptions ^[8]. 

Open adoption can also benefit the child, allowing them to understand their heritage and reducing fear or confusion about their biological parents. Likewise, when a biological mother knows that her child is well, loved, and cared for, there is less ambiguous grief. Being able to watch a child grow can make the loss more manageable for the biological mother. Open adoptions have positive psychological benefits for the adopted child. 

Final Takeaways

The emotional impact of placing a child for adoption is profound and often underestimated. While society is slowly moving away from the outdated stigma that once shrouded this decision, many birthmothers continue to navigate complex grief, identity struggles, and feelings of isolation. Healing is possible but requires access to compassionate mental health care, supportive communities, and opportunities for self-reflection and connection.

Today, open adoption offers some birthmothers greater reassurance, allowing for ongoing contact and updates that can ease the pain of separation. Still, no matter the form adoption takes, every birthmother’s experience is unique, and every one of them deserves empathy, respect, and a safe space to process their emotions.

As our cultural understanding of adoption evolves, it is essential to center birthmothers in the conversation. Their stories, sacrifices, and emotional needs must be acknowledged. With the proper support and coping tools, birthmothers can move toward healing, self-compassion, and peace.