Chaotic Attachment: Can People Change?

The Lasting Impact of Childhood Experiences
Dr. Bruce Perry, a renowned expert on childhood trauma, highlights the lasting effects of early experiences on our adult lives. He explains that a deep longing to feel needed, validated, and valued begins to take shape in childhood. As children grow, they often lack the ability to set a healthy standard for what they deserve from others.
The more healthy relationships a child has, the more likely he will be to recover from trauma and thrive. Relationships are the agents of change and the most powerful therapy is human love.
Secure Attachment: Characteristics and Traits
Childhood experiences shape who we become as adults. Children who receive consistent, reliable, and reassuring support from their primary caregivers—often their mothers—are more likely to grow into confident, self-assured, resilient, and emotionally stable adults.
Maintaining fulfilling relationships, even in the face of challenges, and handling stress with composure are key indicators of secure attachment. For instance, resolving conflicts without harboring resentment, or approaching rebuilding after a breakup with optimism and strength are common traits. Forgiving easily, letting go of grudges, and offering affection without expecting anything in return are also hallmarks of a secure attachment style.
People with secure attachment manage their emotions effectively, balancing expression with self-awareness. Whether addressing concerns in the workplace, sharing feelings with a partner, or setting healthy boundaries with friends, they communicate openly and without fear of rejection. This openness supports deeper trust and connection in their relationships. These traits often stem from early childhood experiences marked by stability and consistent support from caregivers.
The Chaos of Insecure Attachment
Children whose primary caregiver was unreliable, failed to provide a sense of safety, or was abusive often grow into adults marked by insecurity. This insecurity can manifest in various ways. They may experience life as chaotic and disorganized, displaying explosive and unpredictable behaviors—traits they learned as children. Despite yearning for stability, they may struggle to trust others. In relationships, they might “test” their partners by pushing boundaries or engaging in outrageous and unacceptable behavior.
The Root Causes of Chaotic Behavior
Adults with chaotic lifestyles often grew up in homes where parents lacked boundaries and structure. These parents may have struggled with bonding, providing effective parenting, or being consistently available to meet their child’s needs. As a result, the child learned to suppress their needs after repeated experiences of disappointment or hurt when seeking support. Over time, the child internalized that their needs would likely remain unmet, leading them to stop asking for help and accept that the answer would always be “no.”
At times, these parents are inconsistent and unpredictable—present one moment, absent the next. The child learns that their needs are met only sporadically and cannot anticipate when support will be available. This inconsistency drives deep-seated anxiety, as the child constantly wonders whether their caregiver will be there when needed. In response, the child clings to the caregiver, staying close in an attempt to secure attention when it is available. Unfortunately, this behavior inhibits their ability to explore the world and develop the self-confidence that comes from independence and self-reliance.
The Subconscious Belief of Unworthiness
Individuals who have experienced such parenting often struggle with trust and develop self-protection strategies. A subconscious message—“I don’t need anyone, I can do it myself”—emerges as a defense mechanism, one that they carry into even their closest relationships. In order to feel safe and close to others, they may suppress their feelings and needs. Over time, this leads to heightened hypervigilance and, most damaging of all, a deep sense of low self-worth. They may come to believe they are unworthy of proper care or attention.
Low Self-Worth: From Childhood to Adulthood
When a parent is unresponsive to a child’s needs, the child often doesn’t blame the parent but internalizes the issue, believing it’s their own fault. They may feel inadequate, as though they have failed in their attempts to seek attention. This belief often carries over into adulthood, resulting in low self-esteem. The same occurs in cases of abuse, where the child may subconsciously think they are unlovable or deserving of cruelty. In an attempt to gain attention and validation, the child may develop maladaptive behaviors, seeking affirmation in ways that are ultimately harmful to their well-being.
Healing and Growth: The Role of Therapy
Therapy can be highly effective for people with a disorganized or chaotic attachment style, especially when guided by an experienced and empathetic therapist. For the first time in their lives, they may experience a relationship focused on their needs, with someone who is attuned to understanding and working with them. This provides the stability of a reliable, consistent presence in a safe environment.
Such therapy can support a degree of attachment between the therapist and client, which, though often temporary, may last for several years. Through this process, the client can move quickly through the developmental stages that were missing in childhood, when safety and security were lacking. Ultimately, they reach a point where, like securely attached individuals, they are ready to engage with life independently, in a way that is both secure and resilient. The therapeutic relationship helps to awaken long-neglected needs for connection, self-affirmation, and respect—needs that, for many, may be met for the first time.
The Possibility of Change and Healing
No matter how challenging, traumatic, or unsatisfactory someone’s childhood may have been, it is never too late to heal and repair the damage. With the right therapeutic support, even those with chaotic attachment styles can learn to believe in themselves, becoming more confident and resilient. While attachment styles formed in childhood often influence our adult relationships, they are not set in stone. Change is possible, and healing is not only achievable—it happens.
Editor’s Note: Are you or someone you know facing mental health challenges? Visit our mental health network to connect with therapists and find support for improved wellness. For emergencies, visit 988lifeline.org for immediate assistance.
MentalHealth.com is a health technology company guiding people towards self-understanding and connection. The platform provides reliable resources, accessible services, and nurturing communities. Its purpose is to educate, support, and empower people in their pursuit of well-being.
Annie Gurton holds a Master’s in Psychotherapy from Nottingham Trent University. She primarily writes about therapy, attachment, and personality disorders.
Dr. Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience. He holds a PhD in Clinical Psychology from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology, specializing in somatic and neuropsychology, as well as a master’s degree in Clinical Psychology from the Santa Barbara Graduate Institute.
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