Coping with Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism is a type of narcissistic personality disorder that’s usually much harder to recognize than obvious displays of arrogance or self-importance often associated with narcissism. Unlike the typical narcissist who demands attention and acts superior, covert narcissists can appear shy or even humble. However, underneath this quiet exterior, they still have the same basic traits of narcissistic personality disorder: they think they’re special, they struggle to truly care about others, and they use people for their own benefit. When people understand how this behavior manifests, they can better protect their mental health and build stronger, healthier relationships.

Understanding Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism (also known as hypersensitive or vulnerable narcissism) looks very different from what most people expect when they think about narcissistic behavior. While typical narcissists often act superior and demand attention, covert narcissists appear shy or even wounded. 

However, underneath this quiet exterior, they still have the same basic issues that drive all narcissistic behavior ^[1]. In other words, both types of narcissists (covert and overt) want to feel important, but they go about it differently. While the covert narcissist demands praise or accolades, the covert narcissist often plays the victim to get sympathy and attention.

Understanding narcissism starts with recognizing that these patterns often begin with childhood experiences, shaping how narcissism develops over time. For example, some children grow up being constantly criticized, while others are praised for being perfect and feel they can do no wrong ^[2]. Both experiences can alter a child’s sense of self in serious ways that lead to a narcissistic personality disorder. As adults, they might develop covert narcissistic traits as a way of protecting themselves from feeling worthless or inadequate. The key difference in covert narcissism is in how they handle these insecurities; instead of acting tough and demanding, covert narcissists withdraw and sulk when things don’t go their way ^[3].

The Traits of a Covert Narcissist

Spotting covert narcissistic behavior can be difficult because it often blends in with traits like shyness, self-deprecation, or quietness. Behind a modest appearance is a strong need for validation, emotional control, and superiority. These tendencies reveal themselves in several distinct but often subtle ways ^[2].

High Sensitivity to Criticism

Covert narcissists have a negative self-image and low self-esteem, which means they often react badly to criticism and overreact to comments that weren’t meant negatively. This sensitivity isn’t always obvious because they try to brush off criticism or dismiss it, but inside, they’re internalizing feelings of anger and humiliation. 

Low Self-Esteem and Validation Seeking

A person’s low self-esteem can lead to insecurities about their achievements and a constant search for compliments from others. To seek validation, they may mention their accomplishments or even compliment someone else, hoping to get praise back. Sometimes they’ll exaggerate or lie about things they’ve done just to boost their self-esteem and receive validation about their behavior or self-worth.

Introversion and Social Withdrawal

Unlike other types of narcissists, covert narcissists are much more introverted. They feel like being around others will expose their negative thoughts about themselves and make people think less of them. So they often avoid public situations and steer clear of relationships ^[4], preferring to stay in situations where they feel safe and in control.

Grandiose Fantasies

Fantasies of grandiosity help inflate a covert narcissist’s self-importance, but they’re usually completely removed from reality ^[5]. For example, a covert narcissist might imagine scenarios where they receive lots of praise for saving someone or getting recognition for something they didn’t do. These daydreams help them feel special when real life isn’t giving them the attention or validation they think they deserve.

Holding Grudges and Exploitation

Covert narcissists tend to hold grudges against people for a long time, often making small situations seem much worse and portraying themselves as the victim. They can show empathy toward others, but it usually serves their own purposes. When they offer help to friends and family, it’s often to receive praise for being selfless, which inflates their sense of entitlement and superiority ^[2].

The Impact of Covert Narcissism on Mental Health

The impact of narcissistic relationships on mental health is often underestimated. Living with or around covert narcissistic behavior can take a serious toll, especially in ways that aren’t immediately obvious. First,  the manipulation of a covert narcissist is so subtle, people might blame themselves for feeling confused or constantly on edge around this person. Exposure to this type of narcissistic behavior can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and self-doubt in those who are close to them ^[4].

The impact of narcissistic relationships on mental health often shows up through a process called “gaslighting,” which makes people question their own memory and perception of events ^[6]. A covert narcissist might deny saying something hurtful, claim someone is being “too sensitive,” or rewrite history to make themselves look like the victim. 

According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist who specializes in narcissistic abuse, gaslighting by a narcissist is “a form of emotional abuse that involves denying a person’s experience and making statements, such as ‘that never happened,’ ‘you’re too sensitive,’ or ‘this isn’t that big a deal’” ^[6]. After months or years of this kind of treatment, people start doubting their judgment about everything, which can be incredibly damaging to their sense of self and confidence.

Covert Narcissism in Relationships

Relationships with covert narcissists follow a predictable but confusing pattern that leaves everyone involved feeling drained and confused. At first, a covert narcissist might seem incredibly understanding and supportive, but slowly the dynamic shifts until the other person is doing all the emotional work. 

These relationships often show specific behavioral patterns that can help someone identify the signs of a covert narcissistic relationship ^[6]:

• Passive-aggressive communication: Covert narcissists often express anger or frustration indirectly through silent treatment, subtle sarcasm, or “forgetting” important things.
• Victim playing: They consistently reframe situations to make themselves appear wronged, even when they caused the problem.
• Emotional manipulation: They use guilt, shame, or emotional appeals to control others’ decisions and responses.
• Selective empathy: They show concern for others only when it benefits them or makes them look good to an audience.
• Boundary violations: They ignore or dismiss others’ limits while expecting their own boundaries to be respected completely.
• Credit stealing: They subtly take credit for others’ ideas or accomplishments while downplaying their own role in failures.
• Conditional support: Their help and encouragement come with strings attached and expectations of gratitude or reciprocation.

Understanding these relationship patterns is important for anyone trying to navigate covert narcissistic behavior. For example, narcissistic patterns in men demonstrate how this behavior shows up differently in men and women, which can impact the dynamics of a relationship. After recognizing these relationship patterns, people can begin focusing on practical ways to protect their emotional well-being and navigate these challenging dynamics.

How to Deal with a Covert Narcissist

Coping with narcissism, especially when it’s covert, requires a thoughtful and patient approach focused on protecting one’s mental and emotional well-being. The most important thing to remember is that people can’t change, fix, or reason with someone who has these patterns; they can only control their own responses and protect their mental health.

Setting boundaries becomes the most powerful tool for coping with covert narcissism, but it’s also the hardest part because covert narcissists can be very skilled at making people feel guilty for protecting themselves. They may act hurt, confused, or abandoned when someone tries to limit their behavior. 

Professional help for narcissistic abuse can be life-changing for people stuck in these situations. Therapists who understand narcissistic abuse can help people recognize manipulation tactics and learn how to change their narcissistic patterns. As people begin to reclaim their emotional clarity and confidence, the next step is finding ways to stay grounded and connected during the healing process.

Building a Support System

Creating a strong network of support is important when dealing with covert narcissistic relationships because these situations can be isolating. Having people who can offer perspective and practical help makes all the difference in maintaining one’s own mental and emotional health. Specifically, professional support from a therapist who understands personality disorders and narcissistic abuse provides the specialized knowledge needed to navigate these complex situations.

Personal relationships also need attention, so it’s important to be honest with trusted friends and family about what’s happening while also trying not to make every conversation about the narcissistic person. Having a better understanding of personality disorders can be incredibly empowering because learning about what lies beneath narcissistic behavior helps people understand that the treatment isn’t personal; it’s part of the disorder. This knowledge can reduce self-blame and help develop better responses to manipulative behavior.

Healing Through Compassion and Connection

Recovery from covert narcissism or being close to someone with the disorder takes time, patience, and a lot of self-compassion, but healing is possible with the right support and strategies. Fortunately, people can learn to trust their own perceptions again, set healthy boundaries in all relationships, and develop a stronger sense of self that can’t be easily manipulated or controlled by others.

Many people find that surviving these experiences makes them more resilient and capable of forming deeper, more authentic connections with others. The journey through covert narcissism isn’t always easy, but it can lead to greater personal strength and better relationship skills that serve people well throughout their entire lives.