Understanding the Difference Between Love and Addiction

Popular culture is full of descriptions of just how strong love can feel. Phrases like ‘love is a drug’ and ‘I can’t live without you’ are commonplace. But what happens when these romantic notions lead to harmful or unhealthy relationship behaviors?

Relationship addiction is something that can have a profound impact on the well-being of those affected. Where normal love drives growth, contentment, and strength of character, love addiction can often lead to the very opposite.

What Is Relationship Addiction?

Relationship addiction is a tricky condition to evaluate properly. The DSM-5 (the manual used by psychiatrists to diagnose and classify mental health conditions) does not recognize love addiction as a specific diagnosis. However, there is a wealth of research that does point towards relationship addiction being a distinct mental disorder.^[1]

Love addiction, sometimes called pathological love, is a pattern of behavior that is defined by:^[1]

• Maladaptive romantic feelings
• Pervasive and excessive interest in a romantic partner
• A lack of control over these feelings
• The loss of other interests and activities
• The development of other negative consequences

It is currently estimated that 3 in every 100 Americans may experience some degree of love addiction. However, this varies greatly between different population groups. For example, some studies point towards young college students as one of the most highly affected groups, with as many as 1 in 4 developing some form of pathological love.^[1]

Signs of Relationship Addiction

It can be difficult to separate love addiction from other, healthy expressions of intense romantic attachment. Some key signs of relationship addiction include:^[2]

• Constantly needing to be in a romantic relationship
• Staying with someone despite being unhappy with the relationship to avoid being alone
• Misunderstanding small displays of affection for long-term love
• Being unable to bear being alone
• Using fantasies to fill the gap of loneliness
• Feeling unhappy when the initial ‘honeymoon period’ is over
• Relationship instability (including constant break-ups followed by getting back together)
• Neglecting other interests or friendships to spend all of the time with a partner

This list is not exhaustive, and many other behaviors can indicate a romantic addiction. Generally, any actions that prioritize forming or keeping a relationship at the expense of what is considered usual health and well-being can point to love addiction.

Codependency

So, are love addiction and codependency the same thing? Not quite.

Codependency does not have to involve a romantic relationship, and people can become codependent with any individual in their life. However, even if codependency occurs with a romantic partner, the behaviors are not driven by a need for romance, as they are in love addiction.^[2]

Some important signs of codependency include:^[2]

• Being unable to find satisfaction outside of their relationship with a specific individual
• Sacrificing their own physical, emotional, and mental health to support the other person
• Maintaining the relationship despite recognizing harmful behaviors in the other person
• Not feeling self-sufficient or autonomous
• Having difficulty continuing with daily life without the support of the other person

What Causes Relationship Addiction?

The traditional view of addiction centers around the concept that abnormal brain processes are responsible for these conditions. Although the exact cause is not always clear, it is easy to see that alterations in normal brain functioning could lead to pathological love. Other process addictions (like gambling, eating, and sex) are thought to involve similar alterations in brain function.^[3]

However, research is increasingly recognizing a broader set of causes for behavioral addictions (also called process addictions). Many process addictions may be, at least in part, driven by a psychological concept called classical conditioning. In this behavioral model, reward stimulation from an activity (for example, the feelings of love and security from being in a relationship) motivates individuals to continue seeking that activity. Process addictions are the extreme end of this ‘spectrum of motivation.’^[3]

Researchers have also identified an overlap in brain-imaging patterns and neurotransmitter levels between love addiction and drug addiction, specifically around serotonin and dopamine. All of this provides strong evidence that love can be addictive.^[3]

Past Experience

Many people also point to past experience as a key cause of addictive love. Currently, there is limited evidence on exactly how past experiences shape an individual’s romantic addiction.

However, in general, process addictions are known to be influenced by an individual’s past experiences. People with a family history of addiction are at greater risk of developing any type of addiction. Whilst genetics provides an explanation for some of this increased risk, a significant amount of the risk can be directly traced to individuals learning from and subconsciously copying what they saw and experienced during their formative years.^[4]

Furthermore, past experiences can shape an individual’s personality. People displaying higher levels of impulsivity and sensation-seeking, as well as those demonstrating lower levels of harm avoidance, are at the most significant risk of developing a behavioral addiction.^[4]

Attachment Style

Attachment style is one of the most heavily investigated factors of romantic addiction. Insecure attachment describes a relationship that contains elements of mistrust, includes anxious or avoidant behaviors, and lacks a secure foundation. Adverse childhood experiences or challenging parental relationships generally drive this attachment style.^[5][6]

People with an insecure attachment style are more likely to develop stronger, unrealistic beliefs about romantic relationships. These beliefs can present significant challenges to maintaining a healthy relationship. As romantic love becomes a form of attachment, individuals are at risk of engaging in addictive behaviors in an effort to combat insecurity.^[5]

Healthy Love vs. Addictive Love

Differentiating healthy love from relationship addiction can be tricky. This table provides a side-by-side comparison of love vs addiction.^[2]

Healthy love	Addictive love
Natural, sporadic development of new relationships	Constant, often forced, need for romantic connection
Enjoying your own company and the company of others aside from your partner	Being unable to bear being alone
Ending a relationship when it ‘doesn’t feel right’	Staying in a relationship just to avoid being alone
Recognizing and appreciating short-term romance and sexual connection	Believing that all romantic or sexual feelings are genuine and long-term love
Enjoying sex and flirtation for what they are	Using sex or fantasy about the perfect relationship to fill feelings of loneliness
Engaging in other hobbies, interests, or friendships	Avoiding other interests and friendships in an effort to please your partner
Being content with the ups and downs of a ‘normal’ relationship	Feeling unhappy or unfulfilled when the initial rush of a romantic relationship has faded
Feeling able to move on when a relationship hasn’t worked out	Constantly breaking up and getting back together with a partner
Seeking partners who are emotionally compatible and supportive	Seeking partners who are abusive or emotionally distant

How Does Relationship Addiction Affect Mental Health?

Addictive relationships can have a significant impact on an individual’s mental health. Understanding the effect that love addiction can have is an important first step in overcoming it.

Mental Health Conditions

People with behavioral addictions are more likely to experience other mental health conditions as well. Depression, anxiety, and substance use disorder are all strongly linked to behavioral addictions. Many of the biological, psychological, and socio-cultural risk factors for these conditions are shared, so many people may already be experiencing these disorders before developing a love addiction. However, the vicious cycle of negativity fuelled by an addiction itself has the potential to cause or worsen other mental health conditions.^[7]

Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is a person’s assessment of their self-value and worth. Many factors can impact our self-esteem, both positively and negatively. Relationship addiction can have a detrimental effect on self-esteem, as any barrier to the ‘perfect relationship’ is viewed as a failure and is directly linked to the individual’s perceived value as a person. Furthermore, people with a love addiction are likely to rely on a partner’s assessment of their value, resulting in greater feelings of insecurity.^[8]

How to Overcome Relationship Addiction

The first step in overcoming a relationship addiction is recognizing that you have a problem. Understanding the signs of love addiction and being able to identify the differences between healthy relationship dynamics and unhealthy relationship dynamics opens the door to a more positive future.

Behavioral addictions are highly impactful conditions that may require professional help. However, here are some general tips on overcoming a love addiction:

• Engage with reliable self-help resources. This may include books, internet pages, or accredited self–help groups.
• Set healthy boundaries in your relationships. Prioritize actions that support your own self-worth.
• Develop new interests and friendships. An expanded social network can provide positive reinforcement for time spent outside of a relationship.
• Communicate with trusted loved ones about your concerns. Sharing your experience can make the recovery process feel less lonely.
• Acknowledge the issues within the love addiction and take steps to prevent the addiction cycle from repeating. Be aware of denial and challenge yourself when these thoughts emerge.
• Understand what a healthy relationship looks like. Ensure future relationships are based on mutual respect, independence, and self-worth.
• Consider a period of abstinence from new relationships. Use this time to work on yourself and discover your own value.
• Seek help for co-occurring conditions (such as depression, anxiety, or substance abuse).

When to Seek Professional Help

Any addiction is challenging to overcome alone. The earlier help is sought, the more that can be done to support recovery. The treatment options offered by healthcare providers can vary greatly.^[9] However, here are some general treatment strategies that are sometimes used to help individuals with love addiction:^[1][9]

• Self-help groups – Your healthcare provider may be able to provide information on accredited support programs.
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) – This is a widely used, successful therapy technique that focuses on identifying triggers for behavior and creating positive coping strategies.
• Psychodynamic psychotherapy – This more intense form of therapy explores how past experiences shape current feelings and behaviors.
• Group psychotherapy – This method combines the benefits of addiction support groups with an accredited therapy approach.
• Treating co-occurring conditions – A range of therapies and medications can be offered to treat co-occurring conditions.