Does my boyfriend have feelings for his ex wife?
Question
Hi Dr. Schwartz.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. Before me, he was married for about ten years but they had been separated for a year when we met. From early on, I sensed he might still have feelings for his ex. Whenever we went out, he always made time for her. She even seemed to find out things before I did, which made it clear they were still speaking regularly, even though she had cheated on him more than once.
I’m not the kind of woman who snoops. Once, he gave me money to put in his bank account and I didn’t even look at the balance. I’ve never gone through his drawers or checked his phone. One day while looking for a photo on his laptop (with his knowledge) I came across pictures of him and his ex from a holiday they took together. I didn’t say anything at the time but it stayed with me.
About a year later, when we had been together for two and a half years, we were both looking through old photos on his laptop. I was clicking through folders and he was pointing out where different pictures were taken. When I moved to click on the folder that I knew had pictures of him and his ex, he stopped me and said not to open it because it was from his time with her. I asked why he still had the photos and he said he just never got around to deleting them.
A few weeks later, I needed to get my pictures from his laptop and I saw that the folder with their pictures was now compressed. It even looked like it had a password on it. Maybe I’m overreacting but if he had time to put a lock on that folder then he had time to delete it. I can’t help but wonder if he kept it because he still has feelings for her. This morning, I noticed there’s another folder from their last holiday together.
This is really bothering me. We’re building a house, planning to get engaged soon and hoping to start a family. I’ve asked him before if he still has feelings for her and he said no but I wasn’t fully convinced.
He has said things like, “being with you is the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m on cloud nine” and “I wish I met you 20 years ago.” He even said recently that he regrets getting married before but if all that’s true, why keep those pictures locked away?
The other night, I asked him if he would go back to her if he knew for sure she wouldn’t cheat again. He said no because he wouldn’t trust her. I said, “so it’s not that you don’t love her?” and he replied “I don’t trust her, and that’s the same thing.” He also said, “You have no idea what life was like with her. No way would I go back” but he never directly said he doesn’t love her.
I’m scared of getting hurt again. It took me almost eight years to get over my last partner. I was deeply in love with him, and we have a child together, though he’s not involved in her life.
Sorry for the long message but this is really eating me up inside. I just don’t want to be blindsided.
– Irishgirl
- Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Schwartz, MentalHealth.com, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer
It is hard to understand why your boyfriend wants to keep pictures of him and his ex wife but you could always ask him. Divorce does not always mean that people stop loving each other. It’s just that they no longer love each other in a romantic way. You want reassurances about your relationship but there are none, there never are.
Entering into an intimate relationship always carries some risk. No one wants to feel rejected. At the same time, there are never guarantees. Two people reveal everything to one another and hope that their partner will hold and cherish everything they learn about themselves.
The basis of any strong relationship is trust. I am not sure that these pictures mean that you have to feel suspicious. He hasn’t hidden the fact that he has the pictures. He prefers that you not look at them. Remember, he has told you how much better it is for him to be with you than his ex. Why can’t you believe that?
All anyone can do is have faith in their lover and go on from there. After all, the two of you are planning marriage and a family. That does not sound like a guy who is not serious or who does not love you.
Use your own judgment but remember, people are never perfect and all we can do is hope for and plan for the best with our significant others.
Best of luck.