How do I deal with a jealous girlfriend?
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.
– Written by
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
– Updated on September 7, 2025
Question
Dear Dr.Schwartz,
Please give me some advice on how to save my relationship with my overly jealous girlfriend. It has gotten to the point where I can’t keep a job if my co-workers are females and I engage in any type of conversation with them, even if it is job related. Beyond that, we cannot go out together in public as every time we pass what would be considered an attractive person she is glaring at me to see if I am looking at them. Even if I am not she will accuse me of it anyway. For example, I was walking down the hallway of the hospital she works at with her and a woman. She was walking up the same hallway towards us directly in front of me and she instantly accused me of looking at her. When I asked her where I should look she said the ground.
I am constantly reassuring her of my feelings for her and my love for her but nothing gets through. I have even offered to take a polygraph as to whether or not I ever cheated or if I am even looking at these women. She says I am. Unfortunately, it has brow beaten me so bad that I am no longer tolerant of it and get argumentative now.
I don’t know what else I can do. I have let her run a program that allows her to view all my phone calls and read all my texts whether deleted or not as well as follow me on GPS when I leave the house. I have given her complete access to my facebook account from which I have deleted all females except family.
I am hoping your advice is not to walk away as I truly love this girl and want to ask her to marry me. Aside from the jealousy she is a great girlfriend and when these issues don’t rise up we get along great. I also understand that these are valid feelings she is having even if they are not real….please help me.
- Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Schwartz, MentalHealth.com, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and MentalHealth.com, LLC disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer
I understand that you do not want me to tell you to break off the relationship with your girlfriend. However, this is something you must be thinking about or you would not bring it up.
It’s important for everyone to understand that, in an intimate relationship, “what you see is what you get.” In other words, no one can change another person whether they marry that person or not. This is the way your girlfriend is and this is what you will have to live with if you marry her.
There is no use to you of trying to reassure her of your faithfulness. Her thoughts and feelings are irrational. In fact, the more you try to prove your faithfulness, the more suspicious becomes. This is the way it will always be unless she decides to go to therapy. However, she would have to make that decision and she would have to want to change. Her thinking is very jealous, bordering on paranoid and I am doubtful she will be able to change in time to prevent this relationship from splitting up.
The fact is that men and women find each other attractive and look at one another in passing. That is quite normal. It is unrealistic for her to tell you to look down every time you see a female. It’s not going to happen nor should it happen.
You need to be aware that paranoia and jealously are relationship destroyers. You are already getting impatient with her and that is understandable. Think very careful about whether it’s wise for the two of you to marry. Do you want a life time of being accused of being unfaithful?
Remember, you brought up the issue of breaking up with her and not me. I strongly suspect that ending this relationship is something you are seriously thinking about and who could blame you?
Good Luck
Medical Content
The Clinical Affairs Team at MentalHealth.com is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience. They actively contribute to the development of content, products, and services, and meticulously review all medical material before publication to ensure accuracy and alignment with current research and conversations in mental health. For more information, please visit the Editorial Policy.
About MentalHealth.com
We are a health technology company that guides people toward self-understanding and connection. The platform provides reliable resources, accessible services, and nurturing communities. Its purpose is to educate, support, and empower people in their pursuit of well-being.
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a somatic psychologist with more than 20 years of experience in clinical psychology and neuropsychology.
Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. is a medical writer with more than 30 years of clinical experience as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. He writes on a wide range of mental health topics, including mood and anxiety disorders, eating disorders, trauma, abuse, stress, and relationship challenges.
Be the first to read new articles from Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
Join MentalHealth.com for free to get updates
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.
– Written by
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
– Updated on September 7, 2025
Additional Reading
The Clinical Affairs Team at MentalHealth.com is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience. They actively contribute to the development of content, products, and services, and meticulously review all medical material before publication to ensure accuracy and alignment with current research and conversations in mental health. For more information, please visit the Editorial Policy.
We are a health technology company that guides people toward self-understanding and connection. The platform provides reliable resources, accessible services, and nurturing communities. Its purpose is to educate, support, and empower people in their pursuit of well-being.