Is holding a partner’s throat during sex about control?
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.
– Written by
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
– Updated on September 9, 2025
Question
Dr. Schwartz, I’ve been wondering if holding a partner’s throat during sex could be a sign of needing dominance or control. My partner sometimes wraps his hand around my neck when I’m on top, but since he does not squeeze or do anything to alarm me, I tolerated it.
But I do wonder if this could indicate control issues. On the other hand, there are so many “tips” out there about what women like in bed, like slapping, biting, etc., so maybe holding someone’s throat is just another one of those things. I’d appreciate any thoughts or advice! Thanks!
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Answer
I am making an educated guess that you are asking this question because you are not comfortable with your partner holding your neck. In fact, you write that “since he did not squeeze or do anything to alarm you, you tolerated it.” “Tolerating” a sexual practice is very far from liking or enjoying it. Frankly, that should be your guide and not what you read in books.
Different people and intimate couples engage in wide varieties of sexual behaviors that other couples find objectionable. All that really matters with regard to this is what feels right to the individual and, then, to the couple. I cannot blame you for not enjoying having your neck held but that is just my opinion. I don’t even like to wear turtle neck shirts or shirts with ties. Again, this is a matter of individual preference and trust between you and your partner.
I am not able to comment on the motives that drive your partner because I do not know him and have no way of making such a judgment. Even then, it does not matter if you are not comfortable. Yes, some people, male or female, enjoy being slapped, or bitten, or tied, etc, or all of these. There is nothing wrong if that is what “turns them on,” no one’s life is threatened, no one is truly harmed and the practices are enjoyed by both people because they are having fun.
There is nothing wrong for refusing to do what upsets you or makes you uncomfortable in any way at all. Set the limits that are important to you.
I hope this helps.
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Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a somatic psychologist with more than 20 years of experience in clinical psychology and neuropsychology.
Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. is a medical writer with more than 30 years of clinical experience as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. He writes on a wide range of mental health topics, including mood and anxiety disorders, eating disorders, trauma, abuse, stress, and relationship challenges.
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Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.
– Written by
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
– Updated on September 9, 2025
Additional Reading
The Clinical Affairs Team at MentalHealth.com is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience. They actively contribute to the development of content, products, and services, and meticulously review all medical material before publication to ensure accuracy and alignment with current research and conversations in mental health. For more information, please visit the Editorial Policy.
We are a health technology company that guides people toward self-understanding and connection. The platform provides reliable resources, accessible services, and nurturing communities. Its purpose is to educate, support, and empower people in their pursuit of well-being.