Is It a Concern That I Get Aroused by Fictional Sadistic Fantasies?
Question
Dear Dr. Schwartz,
I hope you’re doing well. I’m reaching out with a question that’s been on my mind for a while. I’m a 22-year-old male majoring in Criminal Justice. I come from a loving, supportive family, and I have a good relationship with my parents, sister, and close relatives, who I can talk to about most things.
I’ve never been in a serious relationship, but during my late teens (around 17-19), I read some erotic fiction, some of which involved sadistic themes. These stories turned me on because they were fictional, and I understand the difference between fantasy and reality. I’ve never wanted to act on any of the things depicted, and I’ve never done anything harmful to anyone.
I want to clarify that I wasn’t looking for stories with minors, but some of the authors’ works I enjoyed reading included those elements. The aspect that attracted me wasn’t the inclusion of minors, but the “control” and “forced” themes. However, I’ve never had any fantasies or thoughts about applying these things to real life.
While I still enjoy regular pornography, I’m concerned about my past interest in such stories, especially because I’ve shared it with my sister, close friends, and family. It’s embarrassing, and I’m wondering if it’s a red flag.
I’m currently taking Effexor for depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I worry that these past interests could reflect something deeper. I value honesty and often find myself seeking professional guidance to better understand these feelings.
Could it be that the taboo nature of these stories is why they turned me on, rather than a genuine desire for these actions in real life? I’m puzzled by why I was aroused by something so outside of my actual preferences and desires.
I’ve always been attracted to women my age, with characteristics like blonde hair and tan skin. My main goal is to have a fulfilling life with a loving wife, children, and a family to care for. But I’m concerned—if a future partner found out about this past interest in fiction, would it change how they saw me? Should I bring it up in a relationship, or is it better left in the past?
Thank you for your time and advice, Dr. Schwartz. I really appreciate it.
P.S. I worry that people might think I’m a “freak” because of this past interest. My friends reassure me that it’s not a big deal since it was just fiction, but I still have doubts.
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Answer
It seems clear to me that your friends have not shared their sexual fantasies with you or you would feel more assured.
No, you are not a pedophile, rapist, pervert or any such thing. The fact is that it is very common for young men to have these types of erotic, sexual and sadistic fantasies. I agree with you that the fantasies have a lot to do with control, with being the “master.”
However, despite the fact that you try to assure yourself that these are nothing but fantasies you seem to get confused between fantasy and action. In one part of your post you report being concerned about “what you have done in the past.” The simple fact is that you have done nothing, other than read and look at some erotic and masturbated.
So, what I am saying is that you have nothing to worry about except one thing: that you told your family about this. There are some things that should remain personal unless you are seeing a psychologist. Parents and family are not the people with whom one shares sexual fantasies or sexual material of any kind.
Here is what I believe you need to do:
1. You really need to have a girlfriend. It is time for you to be dating in a serious way. I have the notion that you have not yet had sexual intercourse. I believe that it is time for you to date, find a serious girl friend and enter into an intimate and deep relationship that includes sex. One of the things that you will gradually discover is that women also have sexual fantasies. You need real experience with a young woman you deeply care about.
2. It seems to me very apparent that, while you are taking an anti depressant medication, you are not in psychotherapy. There is too much of this type of thing happening, in which people of all ages are given these medications and without referral to therapy. I am not again the medication, although I think they are given too easily, but I am opposed to giving medicine without therapy. In fact, in many cases, therapy alone would help resolve these problems.
For you, I would suggest psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy because there is a lot you need to learn about yourself and this would enable you to learn, at least, this is my opinion.
So, please be assured that you are not a pervert, that you will marry someday and have a wonderful family but that you need to start dating in a serious way and find the right girl friend and, important, enter psychotherapy.
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Very best of luck