Helping Children Through High-Conflict Divorce

Author: Bob Livingstone, LCSW Medical Reviewer: Dr. Jesse Hanson, Ph.D. Last updated:

A high-conflict divorce doesn’t just end a marriage; it turns children into collateral damage. Trapped between warring parents, they navigate resentment, manipulation, and instability. Unlike amicable separations, these divorces breed lasting hostility, leaving children in constant uncertainty.

While parents focus on their own pain, children struggle in a world without security or trust. To cope, they develop survival tactics, some conscious and others instinctive, but these do not protect them. Instead, they shape how children see relationships, conflict, and self-worth, often leaving deep scars.

A high-conflict divorce isn’t just the end of a marriage, it’s the beginning of an ongoing battle. Children often find themselves caught in the middle, used as pawns in a war that never seems to end. Unlike more amicable separations, these divorces are defined by persistent resentment, escalating tensions, and an inability (or refusal) to co-parent effectively.

While parents focus on their own pain, children are left to navigate the emotional wreckage. They develop coping strategies to survive in an environment of hostility, but these adaptations often come at a cost. [1]

How Children Cope with High-Conflict Divorce

When children grow up in constant parental conflict, they lack the emotional tools to process it in a healthy way. Instead, they adjust to the chaos in ways that reshape their behavior, relationships, and sense of self. These patterns may help them cope in the moment but often leave lasting scars.

Children Learn to Say What Parents Want to Hear

Caught between two warring sides, children quickly learn that the easiest way to keep the peace is to say whatever each parent wants to hear. Over time, this constant need to appease others teaches them that honesty can be risky and that deception offers the safest path to stability. [2] This can mean:

  • Saying different things to each parent, even if they don’t believe them.
  • Hiding details about the other parent’s home life to avoid conflict.
  • Learning to lie convincingly as a survival mechanism.

Fear of Conflict Shapes Their World

Because conflict in their world is destructive and never resolved, many children of high-conflict divorces begin to fear it. Instead of learning that disagreements can be worked through, they come to believe that any conflict signals the end of a relationship. Over time, some begin to ignore or suppress their feelings rather than expressing them. [3] Others convince themselves that the only good relationships are those without disagreements, leaving them unprepared for the realities of healthy communication. Many struggle with confrontation in adulthood, fearing it will lead to loss or rejection.

They Learn to Strategize for Survival

When parents refuse to communicate, children step into the gap, managing two separate worlds to get their needs met. While this may make them seem mature, many struggle emotionally, relying on manipulation instead of healthy communication.

Some convince one parent to allow something by framing it as harmless to the other. Others play parents against each other or carefully adjust their behavior to avoid conflict. Though these strategies help them cope in a tense home, they come at a cost. Many grow up believing that deception and careful maneuvering are the only ways to navigate relationships.

Friendship Becomes a Challenge

Many children of high-conflict divorces struggle to form meaningful friendships, often feeling disconnected and unsure how to build trust. [4] Lacking strong role models for cooperation and emotional security, they may find relationships difficult to maintain.

Some withdraw completely, lacking the confidence to engage with peers. Others become overly eager to please, willing to do anything for acceptance. Many grow possessive or jealous, fearing abandonment. Though they crave connection, deep insecurity holds them back, leading to self-sabotaging behaviors that make relationships even harder to sustain.

Emotional Distress Leads to Acting Out or Withdrawing

Some children react to the chaos with defiance and rebellion, while others withdraw completely. Both responses signal deep emotional distress, often misunderstood by the adults around them.

Struggling children may see their grades drop, lose interest in activities, or engage in risky behaviors like drug use. Some lash out in anger, while others retreat into isolation. Though these behaviors are often mistaken for typical teenage rebellion, they are usually a response to feeling unheard, caught between parents, or emotionally overwhelmed. Rather than seeking attention, many are expressing pain they don’t know how to process.  [5]

Perfection Becomes Their Coping Mechanism

Some children cope by striving for perfection, believing that if they do everything right, they will earn the love and approval they desperately seek. Rather than acting out, they push themselves to excel, hoping to rise above the family turmoil.

This expectation is impossible to meet, yet many relentlessly chase success in academics, sports, or adult-like responsibilities. No matter how much they achieve, it never feels like enough. Instead of finding security, they carry the weight of unrealistic expectations, struggling to show themselves kindness as they continue seeking validation that always feels just out of reach.

Choosing Sides to Secure Love

In some cases, children take sides, rejecting one parent to secure the approval of the other. This is often reinforced, even unintentionally, when one parent speaks negatively about the other, either directly or through body language. Some children fear losing love or support if they show affection for the other parent, while others are rewarded with praise, gifts, or increased attention for their loyalty.

Over time, this alignment can become so deeply ingrained that many children genuinely believe the other parent is unworthy of love, making reunification difficult.

What Parents Can Do to Help

High-conflict divorces are painful for everyone involved, but parents have the power to reduce the harm their children experience. This starts with self-awareness, a willingness to change, and a focus on what truly matters, your child’s well-being.

Stop Blaming and Start Reflecting

It’s easy to focus on the other parent’s flaws, but real change begins with self-reflection. Ask yourself:

  • Am I sending the message that I’m the “good parent” and my ex is the “bad parent”?
  • Do I make my child feel guilty for spending time with the other parent?
  • Have I criticized my ex in front of my child, even in subtle ways?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, it’s time to reassess. Children need the freedom to love both parents without fear of disapproval or rejection. Creating an environment where they feel safe in both homes is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.

Improve Communication With Your Ex

Even if you and your ex have a difficult history, your child still needs both parents. Open, civil communication reduces stress and creates a more stable environment. Keeping interactions focused on your child’s needs rather than past grievances eases tension and helps them feel secure. Conversations should prioritize solutions over rehashing old conflicts.

Disagreements should always happen away from your child. Witnessing arguments increases anxiety and reinforces the belief that conflict is unresolvable. Even if you strongly disagree, shielding your child from tension allows them to maintain a healthy relationship with both parents. Acknowledging mistakes and working toward cooperative parenting sets a positive example. If direct communication is difficult, consider neutral third parties, co-parenting apps, or written agreements to keep interactions productive and free from hostility.

Stop Using the Legal System as a Weapon

Ongoing litigation creates a toxic atmosphere where co-parenting becomes nearly impossible. Instead of fighting in court at every opportunity, consider:

  • Mediation to resolve disputes without escalating hostility.
  • Co-parenting counseling to help navigate difficult decisions.
  • Accepting that compromise is necessary for your child’s well-being.

When children sense that their parents are locked in battle, they never feel truly secure. Reducing legal conflict allows them to feel safer and more at ease in both homes.

Let Your Child Communicate Freely

Controlling when or how your child interacts with the other parent only increases their stress and anxiety. They should feel free to call, text, or visit without guilt or pressure. When children sense that their relationship with one parent is being monitored or restricted, they may begin to suppress their emotions, leading to feelings of confusion, guilt, or resentment. [6] Reassuring them that it is okay to love both parents allows them to maintain a sense of stability and security in their relationships.

Children should never feel like they have to “report” on what happens in the other home or choose sides in a conflict they did not create. When they are made to feel like messengers or spies, it puts an unfair emotional burden on them. Letting them maintain a natural connection with both parents helps them feel more at ease and reduces the tension they experience from the divorce.

Truly Listen to Your Child

Children of high-conflict divorces often suffer in silence, feeling like their emotions are overlooked in the midst of their parents’ battles. If your child expresses that they feel unheard, take their words seriously. Dismissing their concerns only deepens their sense of isolation, making it harder for them to trust and communicate openly.

Prioritizing your child’s emotional needs can make all the difference. When they feel valued, understood, and safe in both homes, they are far more likely to thrive despite the challenges of divorce. [7] Creating this sense of security requires intentional effort. Instead of brushing off their feelings, make a conscious effort to:

  • Encourage open conversations about their feelings.
  • Show empathy rather than defensiveness when they express concerns.
  • Make it clear that their opinions and emotions matter.

Shifting the Focus From Conflict to Co-Parenting

High-conflict divorces can leave lasting scars, but parents have the power to minimize the impact. The goal isn’t to win against the other parent; it’s to ensure that your child feels supported, secure, and free to love both parents without fear or pressure. When parents shift their focus from conflict to co-parenting, they create an environment where their child can thrive despite the challenges of divorce.

Placing children first doesn’t just benefit them; it also helps parents gain clarity about their own emotions, behaviors, and relationship dynamics. When the focus moves away from blame and toward solutions, both parents can develop healthier communication patterns and a greater sense of personal growth. Healing begins when parents put their egos aside and commit to what truly matters: raising a child who feels loved, heard, and emotionally secure. By making choices rooted in their child’s best interests, parents set the foundation for a healthier future for everyone involved.

References
  1. Ellis, Bruce J., et al. “Beyond Risk and Protective Factors: An Adaptation-Based Approach to Resilience.” Perspectives on Psychological Science, vol. 12, no. 4, 2017, pp. 561–590. SAGE Journals, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1745691617693054. Accessed 10 Feb. 2025.
  2. D’Onofrio, Brian, and Robert Emery. “Parental Divorce or Separation and Children’s Mental Health.” The Lancet Psychiatry, vol. 6, no. 2, 2019, pp. 140–146. PubMed Central, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6313686/. Accessed 10 Feb. 2025.
  3. Hong, Yelim, et al. “Household Chaos, Parental Responses to Emotion, and Child Emotion Regulation in Middle Childhood.” Developmental Psychology, vol. 57, no. 8, 2021, pp. 1205–1217. PubMed Central, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8323614/. Accessed 10 Feb. 2025.
  4. Stokkebekk, Jan, et al. “‘Keeping Balance,’ ‘Keeping Distance,’ and ‘Keeping on with Life’: Child Positions in Divorced Families with Prolonged Conflicts.” Children and Youth Services Review, vol. 100, 2019, pp. 393–400. ScienceDirect, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0190740919300118. Accessed 10 Feb. 2025.
  5. Lange, Aurelie M. C., et al. “Parental Conflicts and Posttraumatic Stress of Children in High-Conflict Divorce Families.” Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 13, 2022, Article 9360253. PubMed Central, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9360253/. Accessed 10 Feb. 2025.
  6. Government of Canada. “Voice and Support: Programs for Children Experiencing Parental Separation and Divorce.” Department of Justice Canada, 21 Dec. 2022, https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2004_2/p2.html. Accessed 10 Feb. 2025.
  7. Anderson, Nathaniel W., et al. “The Child and Adolescent Thriving Index 1.0: Developing a Measure of the Outcome Indicators of Well-Being for Population Health Assessment.” Frontiers in Public Health, vol. 10, 2022, Article 9362709. PubMed Central, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9362709/. Accessed 10 Feb. 2025.
Author Bob Livingstone, LCSW Writer

Bob Livingstone is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who works in private practice. He writes about wellness, personal development, and abuse.

Published: Feb 15th 2025, Last edited: Feb 15th 2025

Dr. Jesse Hanson, PhD
Medical Reviewer Dr. Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.

Dr. Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience. He holds a PhD in Clinical Psychology from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology, specializing in somatic and neuropsychology, as well as a master’s degree in Clinical Psychology from the Santa Barbara Graduate Institute.

Content reviewed by a medical professional. Last reviewed: Feb 16th 2025
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