Emotional Intelligence & Self-Awareness

Emotional intelligence has two primary components. On the one hand, it refers to your ability to manage your own emotions effectively. On the other hand, emotional intelligence is what enables you to understand the emotions of others.^[1]

So, what is self-awareness in emotional intelligence? The simple answer is that self-awareness allows you to manage your emotions and recognize what you’re feeling and why.^[1] This, in turn, is a fundamental component of forming and maintaining emotionally healthy personal and working relationships. In other words, self-awareness is just one part of the emotional intelligence whole.

What is emotional intelligence?

As described earlier, emotional intelligence is your ability to manage your emotions. However, emotional intelligence goes deeper than that. In fact, there are five primary components of emotional intelligence:^[2]

• Self-awareness
• Self-regulation
• Motivation
• Empathy
• Social skills

Apart from effective emotional management, emotional intelligence allows you to keep tabs on your emotions, identify them, and use that information to help you think and act.^[1] This is equal parts of self-awareness and self-regulation. You can also use emotional intelligence to discern how others feel and understand why they feel the way they do – this is equal parts of social awareness and social skills.

We can use a simple example to illustrate effective emotional intelligence. Let’s say, for example, you’re waiting in line to order at the coffee shop when an elderly woman seemingly cuts in front of you in the line. Your knee-jerk reaction might be to get frustrated or mad, berate her for cutting the line, and point angrily at the end of the line where she should go. 

However, by pausing for a moment, taking stock of how you feel (self-awareness), and taking the woman’s perspective into account, you might realize that she is joining the person who was already in front of you in line. So, she’s not cutting; she’s simply rejoining her companion. That split-second decision to further evaluate the situation allows you to self-regulate and avoid an ugly confrontation.

This simple example also demonstrates the effectiveness of social skills and empathy. By pausing and taking stock of the elderly woman’s emotions and demeanor, it can be quickly surmised that she isn’t displaying the sort of self-indulgence that would normally be associated with someone cutting the line. Likewise, being empathic and aware of her point of view allows you to come to the correct conclusion that she is not cutting in line.

It’s also worth discussing how emotional intelligence differs from traditional intelligence, or IQ. Where emotional intelligence focuses on your interpersonal skills, traditional intelligence focuses on cognitive skills. So, where someone might be considered highly emotionally intelligent because they have a great capacity for empathy, another person might be considered traditionally intelligent because they perform well in school. They are two completely different kinds of intelligence measured in different ways.

The role of self-awareness in emotional intelligence

Self-awareness is just one component of emotional intelligence. However, it might be argued that it’s the most important element. After all, if you have no sense of who you are and why you’re feeling the way you do, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to have a high level of emotional intelligence – self-awareness and emotional intelligence are that closely intertwined.

The difficulty is that we often think we are more self-aware than we really are. In fact, research shows that 95 percent of participants in self-awareness surveys rate themselves as having “high” self-awareness. However, when more objective techniques are used to measure self-awareness, only 10-15 percent make the cut of being truly self-aware. So, though a plurality of people believe themselves to be self-aware, the reality is that most of us aren’t self-aware at all.^[3]

Given that, self-awareness becomes even more important in emotional intelligence. People who are self-aware are more insightful and introspective. As a result, they know themselves better and better understand how they feel. This allows the emotionally intelligent person to build and maintain trust with others, enjoy long-lasting and non-judgmental relationships, and communicate better with others. In other words, self-awareness is the key that unlocks emotional intelligence.^[3]

What does self-awareness involve?

The concept of self-awareness seems simple enough to understand – you know yourself, are aware of your feelings, and understand what those feelings mean. However, self-awareness involves so much more.

In fact, some researchers argue that there are two types of self-awareness:^[4]

• Internal self-awareness is a representation of how clearly we see who we are, such as thoughts, beliefs, feelings, values, and behaviors, and how all that fits into the world around us.
• External self-awareness is an understanding of how we represent ourselves to others. In other words, it’s an understanding of how others view and understand us in terms of our thoughts, beliefs, feelings, values, and behaviors.

If you have internal self-awareness, you’re likely to exhibit a good deal of social and personal control. This type of self-awareness also seems to be negatively correlated with severe stress, anxiety, and depression. But, if you have external self-awareness, you may be more likely to have improved relationships, better empathy skills, and a greater ability to see the world from others’ perspectives.

What’s interesting is that research shows that having a high level of one type of self-awareness doesn’t mean you will have a high level of the other. To that point, researchers have found next to no relationship between the two at all.^[4] The goal, then, is striving to maximize our levels of both types of self-awareness. This is easier said than done, though. 

Self-awareness is often viewed as one of four archetypes:^[4]

• The introspector archetype has high internal self-awareness and low external self-awareness. They know who they are, but don’t seek to understand how others view them, either.
• The seekers archetype is low on internal self-awareness and low on external self-awareness. The result is that they don’t really know who they are or where they stand in their relationships.
• The aware archetype has high internal self-awareness and high external self-awareness. This is the pièce de résistance. They know who they are and what they want, and they seek feedback from others – and place a lot of value in that feedback.
• The pleasers archetype has low internal self-awareness and high external self-awareness. As a result, they are typically so focused on how others perceive them that they neglect themselves, choosing instead to make decisions based on how they look rather than how those decisions affect their lives.   

Using these archetypes, we can see how varied self-awareness can be–and how challenging it can be to achieve a higher level of self-awareness.

How to develop self-awareness

Fortunately, developing improved self-awareness can be done with some self-reflection. For example, you might consider your strengths and weaknesses to identify the areas where you need to do some work. Moreover, understanding what you are and are not good at allows you to seek help from others when necessary.^[5]

Secondly, you can develop better self-awareness by purposefully slowing yourself down when you feel emotionally reactive. So, for example, rather than immediately lashing out in anger at someone, pause and consider why you’re angry. Additionally, consider if your anger is actually masking another emotion. After all, anger is much easier to express than heavier emotions like shame or guilt. By considering what might truly be going on, you can achieve deeper emotional self-awareness.

A third avenue for greater levels of self-awareness is to work hard on communication. Effective and open communication allows you to express yourself appropriately, identify problems, and drill down to important details about your feelings and emotions. Again, doing so elevates your ability to look within yourself and understand what’s really going on. At the same time, having effective communication skills also allows you to provide others your full attention, be an active listener, and support them on their journey of greater self-awareness, too.

Along the same lines, it’s important to focus on your non-verbal communication and your awareness of how it impacts the messages you send to others. Matching your verbal and non-verbal communication allows you to be more authentic. It also gives you better insight into how people perceive you. Likewise, having this heightened awareness of non-verbal cues makes you more apt to understand the perspectives of others.^[5]

You can try other methods of improving self-awareness, too:

• Practice mindfulness to improve your ability to recognize your thoughts, emotions, and feelings.
• Try journaling to keep a running tally of your thoughts, emotions, and feelings.
• Challenge yourself to be curious, try new things, practice gratitude, and be aware of your weaknesses and blind spots.
• Ask other people how they perceive you. Doing so can be extremely enlightening and lead to valuable conversations that improve your self-awareness.

How is self-awareness linked to emotional regulation?

Self-awareness is the linchpin of emotional intelligence. Without it, we cannot self-regulate and have social skills, motivation, or empathy. More specifically, self-awareness is critical for understanding our emotions and how those emotions are linked to certain behaviors.^[3]

For example, someone who is not self-aware would not understand that their anger and poor mood influence how they speak to others. The negative, nasty verbal interactions they have with friends, family, and coworkers can, in turn, negatively affect others’ feelings and emotions. Thus, the dominos keep falling, without the person understanding that their mood and behavior were the first dominos to fall.

Conversely, someone who is highly self-aware can regulate their emotions much better. As noted earlier, rather than lashing out in anger at someone, a self-aware person might pause, consider why they’re feeling angry, and choose a more productive behavior (e.g., taking a deep breath, asking someone to talk), in lieu of being verbally abusive to someone. Doing so can help you in many areas of daily life, including dealing with rejection.

Thus, with self-regulation comes a much better capability of managing the constant change of emotions we experience over time. 

How to overcome barriers to self-awareness

The first step in overcoming emotional intelligence and self-awareness barriers is committing yourself to doing the necessary work. To become self-aware, you must want to become self-aware and be ready to admit that you aren’t as self-aware as you perhaps thought you were.

Secondly, you have to be willing to put in the time needed to do the work of becoming more self-aware. This is a long and likely complicated journey that may reveal difficult things to learn about yourself. But, with time, comes better knowledge of yourself and a greater capacity for achieving a greater level of self-awareness.

Third, closely examine your emotional triggers. What sets you off? What causes emotional knee-jerk reactions? What triggers do you have that trigger others around you? By considering these and other questions about your emotional experience, you can identify the areas that need your focus to circumvent barriers to being more self-aware.

For some people, the barriers to self-awareness might be too large to overcome alone. As such, be open and willing to seek help when you need it–professional or otherwise. Insights from a trusted loved one may be all you need to get over the hump, but if progress is stagnant, seeking professional help may be warranted. 

Other emotional intelligence skills

As discussed earlier, self-awareness is the foundation upon which emotional intelligence is built. This is true of the other emotional intelligence skills as well. Once you become more self-aware, you can begin developing the other skills more deeply. Below is a short summary of these skills:^[2]

• Self-regulation involves managing your feelings and emotions and the impulses to act upon them.
• Motivation allows you to set and achieve goals. It includes commitment, initiative, optimism, and a drive to achieve something.
• Empathy is the awareness of how others feel, what they need, and their perspective in general. Being empathic also means being actively engaged in their interests and striving to address their concerns.
• Social skills refer to your ability to elicit desirable responses from others. It involves being an effective communicator, a catalyst for change, and a team player, while also being able to say no. Social skills also encompass the ability to nurture relationships, inspire others, and manage conflicts in your life.

Remember, becoming more emotionally intelligent won’t happen overnight. But with hard work, effort, and time, you may find a deeper level of understanding of who you are and a greater ability to lead a happy and fulfilling life.