Can we have a future if his ex is still around?
Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.
– Written by
Ann Landers
– Updated on August 20, 2025
Question
My boyfriend and I have been in a warm, caring relationship for about 13 months. We have a lot in common: travel, values, and life goals and we’ve been talking about our future together in the next 2 to 3 years.
Before we met, he had already ended things with his ex. He told me they were just friends but eight months into our relationship I found out that she still comes over sometimes to do a specific kinky sexual favor for him. I was shocked and upset.
He says he doesn’t want to lose me and that I have wonderful qualities that he never found in his ex and that he still wants to build a future with me. He also says he’s known his ex for about seven years and can’t just cut her off completely.
I’m trying to be patient and not let jealousy take over. I keep hoping this situation will end soon and that he’ll fully choose me but I wonder: is he still in love with her? Will he decide their history matters more than what we have? Is he truly sincere and planning a future with me where she’s no longer involved?
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Answer
There is no way to tell for sure what your boyfriend will do in the future. However, it is clear that his definition of “friend” is substantially different than your own.
Your boyfriend is currently having his cake and eating it too. He gets the kinky sex he wants from his ex and then goes back to you for warmth and caring. His needs are being met fairly well right now. Why on earth would he be motivated to give up either of you under these circumstances?
Think about it – the chances are low that your “waiting around” strategy will result in his seeing the light and breaking off contact with his ex. I don’t for a minute buy his excuse about how his history with his ex requires him to continue to remain in contact with her.
People break off contact with ex-lovers every day – when they are motivated to do so. He isn’t. The real issue here is how long it will take before you understand that you have a right to have your own needs met – including your need for exclusivity with the man you love. It is okay to ask him for this – and to leave him if he won’t give you what you need. Have strength.
– Anne
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Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a somatic psychologist with more than 20 years of experience in clinical psychology and neuropsychology.
Ann Landers was a writer who specialized in offering advice from the perspective of a mentor or friend. She wrote blogs focused on friendship, romantic relationships, heartbreak, and beyond.
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Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.
– Written by
Ann Landers
– Updated on August 20, 2025
Additional Reading
The Clinical Affairs Team at MentalHealth.com is a dedicated group of medical professionals with diverse and extensive clinical experience. They actively contribute to the development of content, products, and services, and meticulously review all medical material before publication to ensure accuracy and alignment with current research and conversations in mental health. For more information, please visit the Editorial Policy.
We are a health technology company that guides people toward self-understanding and connection. The platform provides reliable resources, accessible services, and nurturing communities. Its purpose is to educate, support, and empower people in their pursuit of well-being.