Married Men, Their Needs, and Affairs

Married men may seek affairs due to a variety of motivations, including feelings of dissatisfaction or lack of emotional fulfillment in their primary relationship, curiosity, desire for excitement or novelty, or seeking validation and affirmation of masculinity. Understanding these motivations requires exploring the complex interplay of psychological, emotional, and social factors that influence a man’s behaviors within the context of intimate relationships.

Infidelity remains a significant factor in marital breakdowns. Studies indicate that approximately 59.6% of divorces are attributed to extramarital affairs. ^[1] Furthermore, the American Psychological Association reports that 20% to 40% of divorces are linked to infidelity. These statistics reveal the impact that breaches of trust can have on the stability of marriages.

Affairs are often not just about physical attraction or fleeting temptation; they stem from deeper, underlying issues within the relationship. Many men who seek affairs do so not merely for excitement but due to emotional dissatisfaction, a lack of fulfillment, or a craving for validation. Understanding these motivations helps address the challenges that modern marriages face and working toward preventing such breakdowns.

Emotional Needs and Affairs

Marriages may sometimes fail to fulfill certain emotional needs, which can contribute to the occurrence of affairs. Some common emotional needs that may go unmet include:

• Some married men may seek affirmation and acknowledgment for their efforts and contributions within the relationship, longing to feel valued and appreciated by their partner(s).
• People often have a desire to be admired and respected, and when that is lacking, they may seek validation and recognition from others.
• Feeling desired and wanted by one’s spouse is important for maintaining emotional intimacy and connection, and when this need is unmet, men may seek others to confirm their desirability.
• Emotional affairs occur when individuals form deep emotional connections and attachments with someone outside of their primary relationship. While these relationships may not involve physical intimacy, they can be just as impactful and significant. Emotional affairs often involve sharing intimate thoughts, feelings, and experiences with someone other than one’s partner(s), leading to a breach of trust and emotional betrayal. This type of affair can erode trust, intimacy, and commitment within the primary relationship.

Key Reasons for Affairs

While men engage in affairs for different reasons, some of the most commonly reported motivations include:

• Emotional Disconnection: Many men seek affairs due to feelings of emotional detachment or dissatisfaction in their marriage, longing for deeper intimacy and understanding.
• Desire for Validation: Some married men seek affirmation of their attractiveness, desirability, or masculinity outside their primary relationship.
• Sexual Fulfillment: When sexual desires or fantasies remain unmet in their marriage, men may look elsewhere to satisfy them.
• Excitement and Novelty: The thrill of something new and the sense of adventure can be a powerful motivator.
• Escape from Routine: Affairs can provide a temporary break from the responsibilities and monotony of married life, offering a sense of relief and excitement.

When Familiarity Breeds Discontent

Over time, some men may feel stagnant in long-term relationships, leading to boredom with the same partner and relationship dynamics. The initial excitement of a new romance fades, and routine replaces novelty. This can result in a lack of passion, making some men more susceptible to seeking excitement outside their marriage. ^[2] When familiarity is no longer stimulating, men may crave the thrill of something new, whether through an emotional or physical affair. Addressing this issue within the marriage by introducing variety, deepening emotional connection, and maintaining attraction can help prevent infidelity.

Emotional Affairs vs. Physical Affairs

Emotional affairs involve deep emotional connections with someone outside the marriage. These relationships, while not always physical, can be just as impactful, leading to a breach of trust and emotional betrayal. Emotional affairs often include sharing personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences with another person, supporting an intimate bond that erodes trust in the primary relationship.

Men may pursue both physical and emotional intimacy in affairs, but for different reasons:

• Physical Intimacy: Often driven by the need for excitement, gratification, and novelty.
• Emotional Connection: Stemming from a fundamental need for intimacy, understanding, and validation.

While physical intimacy provides temporary satisfaction, emotional connection offers deeper fulfillment, producing a sense of belonging that mere physical encounters cannot achieve.

Pornography and Affairs

For some men, pornography can serve as an alternative to physical affairs, providing a form of escapism that satisfies unmet emotional or sexual needs. When men feel disconnected in their marriage, they may turn to pornography to fulfill desires for novelty, excitement, and validation. This can create a wedge in the relationship, leading to decreased intimacy and emotional distance between partners. While not a physical affair, excessive reliance on pornography can still contribute to relationship dissatisfaction, mistrust, and feelings of betrayal, making it a significant issue in many marriages. ^[3]

A Professional’s Perspective on Affairs

This discussion focuses on men’s needs in marriage. While women’s needs are equally important, the emphasis here is on understanding what men seek in relationships and how unmet needs may contribute to affairs.

Willard Harley, in his book His Needs, Her Needs, identifies the top five needs of men in marriage:

1. Admiration
2. Physical Attractiveness
3. Recreational Companionship
4. Sexual Fulfillment
5. Domestic Support

Among these, admiration is often the most neglected.

In modern relationships, as women become more independent and self-sufficient, many men struggle to find their place. When their efforts are either unrecognized or met with criticism, they may feel undervalued and disconnected. This dynamic can make them vulnerable to seeking appreciation and admiration from someone outside their marriage.

While men bear responsibility for their choices, recognizing and addressing these unmet needs within the marriage can help prevent affairs. A common issue in relationships is that men often feel emotionally connected through sex, whereas women typically need emotional connection before they feel inclined to engage in sex. ^[4] Understanding and navigating these differences is important in maintaining a fulfilling relationship.

Women Who Seek Affairs with Married Men

While much attention is given to why married men seek affairs, it is also important to explore the motivations of women who pursue relationships with married men. Some women knowingly engage in affairs with married men for a variety of reasons, including:

• Emotional Attraction: Some women are drawn to the emotional maturity and stability that a married man represents. They may see him as someone who understands relationships and commitment, making him appear more attractive.
• Desire for Affection and Attention: Women who feel neglected in their personal lives may be drawn to married men who offer them attention, compliments, and emotional connection.
• Thrill of the Forbidden: The secrecy and illicit nature of an affair can be an adrenaline rush, making it exciting and enticing for some women.
• Lack of Commitment Pressure: For women who do not want a long-term commitment, being with a married man can feel like a safer option, as they know he is already attached and may not expect the same level of commitment from them.
• Perceived High Status: Some women may be attracted to men who are successful in their marriages and careers, viewing them as accomplished and desirable.
• Unresolved Personal Issues: Some women may engage in relationships with unavailable men due to deeper emotional wounds, past betrayals, or patterns of unhealthy attachment styles.

While affairs with married men may offer temporary excitement or perceived benefits, they often lead to mental distress, guilt, and long-term consequences. ^[5] The dynamics of such relationships can be complex, with potential heartbreak for all parties involved. Recognizing these motivations and the impact of affairs can provide greater insight into the emotional intricacies of infidelity.

Healing After an Affair

Recovering from an affair is a challenging process that requires commitment, honesty, and effort from both partners. To rebuild trust and restore emotional connection, consider the following steps:

• Reestablish Emotional and Physical Intimacy: Prioritizing reconnection through shared experiences, affection, and understanding can help restore closeness.

• Open Communication: Discuss the reasons behind the affair openly and honestly to address underlying relationship issues.

• Seek Professional Support: Marriage counseling or therapy can help both partners navigate emotions and rebuild trust.

• Commit to Transparency: Building trust requires consistency and openness. Transparency in actions and words is crucial to healing.
• Forgiveness and Growth: While forgiveness takes time, a willingness to heal and grow together strengthens the relationship and prevents future disconnection.

The Role of Admiration in Preventing Affairs

Criticism is a major relationship killer, striking directly at a man’s need for admiration. To support a strong relationship and reduce the likelihood of an affair, consider the following:

• Reduce Criticism: Recognize and appreciate your partner’s efforts rather than focusing on shortcomings.
• Express Admiration: Show appreciation for your partner’s qualities, efforts, and contributions.
• Maintain Emotional and Physical Intimacy: Respond to each other’s needs, both emotionally and physically, to maintain a strong connection.

Admiration strengthens emotional connections and reinforces commitment in romantic relationships. Beyond attraction, genuine admiration builds respect, appreciation, and emotional investment. When partners recognize and express admiration for each other’s qualities and efforts, they create a sense of security and fulfillment. This deepens intimacy and reduces the appeal of outside validation, making infidelity less likely. Prioritizing admiration helps couples maintain a strong bond, reinforcing trust and long-term commitment.

Love and Trust After an Affair

Even in an era where women no longer depend on men for survival, relationships thrive on mutual support, acknowledgment, and trust. Healing from struggles—whether emotional disconnection, unmet needs, or even infidelity—requires patience, effort, and a shared vision for the future. Trust can be rebuilt through consistent actions, open dialogue, and transparency, allowing relationships to grow stronger than before.

Moving forward means embracing growth, learning from past experiences, and choosing to build a partnership supported by respect and love. Every challenge is an opportunity to deepen understanding, strengthen bonds, and create a future where both partners feel valued and secure. With appreciation, honesty, and continuous effort, obstacles become stepping stones, ensuring a marriage that doesn’t just survive—it thrives.