No Friends at 20, Feeling Lonely and Depressed
Question
In my life, I have never been completely happy. Even during times when everything seemed to be going well, I carried an insecure feeling that something bad was about to happen. It usually did, and I would fall back into depression.
I often formed friendships with people who were not truly supportive, while distancing myself from those who genuinely cared. By the time I realized what I had been doing wrong it felt too late. The only person I still called a friend was someone I clung to simply because I had no one else. Many of the people I spent time with struggled with serious issues of their own, including bipolar disorder, self-harm, shoplifting, drug use, and even arrests. Some of them dragged me into situations that led to my own arrest.
I have always been very shy, and I find it easier to meet new people when I have friends with me. I thought college was the perfect chance to to start over and build better connections. Instead, my three roommates made things harder. One of them was depressed and barely spoke, had no social skills, and only left the room to go to work. Another was bulimic, eating large amounts of food to make herself throw up, and then tell me about it afterward. Her wall was covered with pictures of extremely thin people and she kept an online blog documenting how little she ate.
My third roommate became what I guess I would call my best friend in the group, mostly because we spent the most time together. She hated the school, complained and cried about it constantly, and refused to meet new people. She talked all the time about transferring. Even though I liked the school itself, her constant negativity made me start to dislike everything about it too. Because I am so shy, I had hoped at least one of my roommates would want to meet new people. I thought that if I had one person to go out with, I would have the confidence to meet others too. None of them wanted to go out, so I stayed in the dorm all the time as well.
By sophomore year, one of those girls had transferred, and the other two moved into single rooms. I had a new roommate from the Virgin Islands. She was really nice and we got along well, but we had almost nothing in common. My weeks at school felt mostly empty. I worked out every day, got mostly A grades, and ate very healthy but I slept too much, often until 12:30 in the afternoon. Because I had no friends, I lacked confidence. I kept thinking, why would anyone want to be friends with someone who had none? People came up to me all the time in the elevator or in class and I wanted to talk, but I felt like I had nothing to say. Even simple moments turned awkward.
I went to one of the top 40 universities in the country. I want to be successful so badly, but I feel like I do not have the social skills. I want to apply for an internship at Goldman Sachs. I have the qualifications, and I know it would be a great opportunity but I am terrified. I do not believe I have the social ability to survive in that kind of environment. Do you have any suggestions?
- Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Schwartz, MentalHealth.com, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer
Yes, I am pleased to say that I have many suggestions.
It appears from what you describe of yourself that you are struggling with two big problems:
The first problem is that you experience a lot of depression. One aspect of your depression is that you lack self confidence and experience low self esteem even though you are clearly very intelligent and are an excellent student.
The second problem is that you are suffering from a social anxiety disorder. As a result of this social anxiety you avoid situations in which you can be with people. In your dorm situation you accepted who ever happened to be there. The trouble is that roommates in dorms are rarely satisfying and I hear lots of complaints from myriad numbers of student. Your hope was to have dorm mates with whom you could go out and socialize but none of them were able to do that.
What to do:
1. I am fairly certain that you have a health center on campus that includes a counseling center, a psychiatrist to administer medications and counselors with whom you could talk. I want to urge you to take advantage of the service. I want to strongly recommend anti depressant medication that will also help reduce your anxiety.
2. In addition, you really need to start talking to a professional who can begin training you in behavioral strategies to help you learn how to interact in social situations. If the University only provides short term psychotherapy allow them to refer you to someone who practices in the community near the school. Your parents will have to pay for the therapy unless you have student health insurance through the school. Most university counseling centers keep a list of good therapists in the community to whom they refer students.
3. Also, follow this rule: When you feel like you do not want to go out, do the opposite and go out. When you feel too nervous or shy to be with people, be with people. Do the opposite of avoiding regardless of your anxiety. When you feel like you have nothing to say, look people in the eye or at their face, SMILE and say: “Hi, how ya doing?” Force your self. Social anxiety is something you can reduce but you have to start taking some chances, like going to parties, saying “hi” in the elevator, etc.
4. Do more than just going to classes. To this end, there are various clubs and organizations on campus made up of students who want to be involved. As someone who wants to work for Goldman Sachs someday (and you will be able to) get involved in business types of clubs. Get involved, involved, involved. If you are too afraid to do so…do it anyway.
With the help of medication, psychotherapy and your own courage, you can overcome these problems.
At the moment I would guess that your depression results from your social anxiety and once you get that resolved you may not need medication.
Be courageous, meet people.