How do I break free from my dominating mother?
Question
I’m the youngest of three daughters and growing up, our mother was always the dominant force in our family. My older sisters are both married and have moved on with their own lives. My father passed away 15 years ago and since then I’ve been under my mother’s wing, sometimes by choice, often by obligation.
As a child, I tried hard to please her knowing how tirelessly she worked but as I grew older, her influence became emotionally suffocating. She often uses silence, tears and guilt to control me, making it difficult to live life on my own terms. She’s disciplined, inflexible and highly demanding. When my father died, she made sure I didn’t marry the man I loved. I gave in to her wishes and married someone else but the marriage never felt right. We eventually separated after eight years.
Despite everything I’ve tried to embrace life and I’ve become known for my cheerful personality. People say I bring happiness wherever I go. At work and among friends I’m seen as positive, light-hearted and full of energy. I smile often and try to uplift those around me. I truly believe life is about finding joy in the little things and being grateful. I think of myself as a people person and one of my deepest hopes is to one day devote my life to helping orphaned children.
After my separation my mother emotionally blackmailed the family into letting her move in with me, claiming loneliness. Now that she’s here my life feels stagnant and restricted. I’m caught in this invisible chain of “honor thy mother,” even though it leaves me feeling drained and unseen.
I can’t express myself freely. I can’t have friends over or go out without facing her judgment. Every attempt to set boundaries results in her silence, tears or passive-aggressive behavior. We live together in a small studio apartment, which makes it nearly impossible to escape or have personal space.
Outside the home, I’m one person: warm, joyful, connected. Inside, I feel trapped. I cry myself to sleep and at times turn to alcohol just to numb the pain. I’m 38 and my mother is 75 and in very good health. The thought of living this way indefinitely feels unbearable. I’m not suicidal but I often feel like I’m just surviving, not living.
I know drinking isn’t a solution and what I need is guidance. How do I stop feeling so much guilt over my mother? How do I reclaim my life without being crushed by emotional pressure?
- Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Schwartz, MentalHealth.com, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer
As a 38 year old woman you have the right to live your own life, unencumbered by your mother. In fact, you gained that right many years ago but did not find it within you to be able to break free from her manipulations and dependency needs. An educated guess that I am making about your situation is that your mother singled you out as the daughter who would always care for her.
Your story reminds me of a very old movie classic from the 1940’s with the brilliant actress Bette Davis. The movie is called Now Voyager. A young Bette David plays the daughter of a powerful and dominating mother who uses hysterical symptoms to keep her daughter weak, dependent and at home where she can always be company for herself. In fact, the daughter even becomes mentally ill at one point and is required to be in a mental hospital for a period of time. This suits the mother because it keeps the daughter totally helpless and dependent. In the end, the daughter realizes that she must break free of her mother’s dictatorship if she is ever to have a life of her own. I am sure the movie is for rent and can be viewed.
I realize that your mother is 75 now and her age plays into your sense of guilt. However, you report that she is in good health. Therefore, she can fend for herself. I know many physically healthy, elderly people who live alone and have full lives. These individuals would never think of relying on a child and take complete pride in their ability to live for themselves. If your mother were ill and handicapped, she could live in an assisted living arrangement with other elderly people. The point is that you have a right to your life.
If you cannot summon the strength to break away from your mother then you need to enter psychotherapy where you can learn to gain that strength.
The fact is that you have dreams of your own, including wishing to help children who are orphaned. There is no reason why you cannot and should not pursue your dreams.
In addition, you are a young woman and can marry the man of your choice if that is what you want.
I guess the bottom line of what I am saying to you is that it is time for you to take hold of your life, whether your mother or other family members like it or not, and live that life in all the ways that you want. If that means moving out of your apartment and leaving your mother there, then, do so and as soon as possible. You really have no reason to feel guilt because you have done nothing wrong other than submitting to her will for too long.
What is the ancient saying? Carpe Diem. It means, “seize the day.”
Best of luck.