Why does he want to divorce me?

I’ve been with my husband for nine years and married for four. We have three children. Three months ago, he suddenly left and said our relationship was over. He’s 35, and I always thought things between us were good. People often commented on how connected we seemed. We weren’t overly affectionate in public, but it was clear we loved each other. We were best friends and soulmates.

The day he left, I was shocked. I asked if he wanted a divorce and he immediately said no. I explained that if he no longer wanted to be with me, divorce would eventually be necessary. His response was, “I suppose we will get divorced then,” with no emotion.

I’m still confused. He was affectionate right up until he left, even initiating sex days before. When I asked why, he said he was trying to make the marriage work. He now says he regrets not telling me how he felt but insists it’s too late. He hasn’t changed his mind and refuses to talk about it or try to fix anything.

I don’t think there’s another woman, although I can’t be certain. He says he still loves me, finds me attractive, and thinks I’m a good wife and mother but he says he sees me more as a friend than a wife and that the spark is gone.

I’ve done everything I can to save the marriage. He refuses to go to counseling or make any effort, not even for the children. He says he’s 100% sure and has no doubts. I asked how long he had felt this way before leaving, and he said two months. That doesn’t feel like enough time to give up on a marriage.

Yes, things changed after having three kids and both of us working. Romance faded a bit. He has never been especially romantic or sexual, and I’ve usually been the one to initiate or try new things. Still, we showed love in small ways—daily kisses, hugs, little notes. I never rejected him or made him feel unwanted.

One issue that always weighed on him was money and his job. He used to enjoy work, but since moving into management, he hates it. He feels stuck because it pays well but causes him stress. He has even been signed off work before due to job-related stress. He’s frustrated that there’s never money left over after bills and feels constantly drained.

It seems like he reached a breaking point and now thinks the only way out is to start over completely. He wants to sell the house and use the divorce to clear debts.

I’ve already filed for divorce. But after three months of him repeating that he loves me but isn’t in love, and refusing to talk, try, or even consider the impact on our kids, I still don’t understand how he can walk away so easily.

This doesn’t feel like the man I married. He’s cold and distant and barely shows concern for the children. It’s like he shut off completely and never looked back.

Am I being unrealistic? Is he really just done, or could he be depressed? I still love him, and I worry he’ll regret this when it’s too late. Divorce won’t fix the deeper issues. It just feels like an escape, not a solution.