How Depression Affects Marital Relationships

Depression is a mental health problem with the potential to affect both partners in a marriage. While the person living with depression is coping with mental health symptoms, their spouse is also likely to be affected^[1].

Understanding Depression in the Context of Marriage

Depression or major depressive disorder is a diagnosable mental health condition. To be diagnosed with major depression, a person must show at least 5 of the following symptoms, lasting for at least 2 weeks^[2]:

• Depressed or sad mood
• A lack of interest in or pleasure from typical activities
• Loss of appetite leading to weight loss without dieting or increased appetite with weight gain
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Changes in psychomotor behavior, which can include either slowed movements (psychomotor retardation) or purposeless restless behaviors (psychomotor agitation)
• Feeling fatigued
• Experiencing a sense of worthlessness or feelings of extreme, unreasonable guilt
• Struggling to think or make decisions
• Thinking repeatedly about death or making suicide attempts

Depression in marriage affects not only the person experiencing the symptoms but also the spouse. Coping with depressive symptoms can lead to stress and reduced marital satisfaction over time^[1].

A person living with depression may withdraw from usual interactions or become completely uninterested in hobbies and activities they used to enjoy with their spouse. As the person with depression loses energy and struggles to complete daily tasks, their spouse may have to take on increased burdens.

Furthermore, depression is associated with impairments in interpersonal functioning, which can take a negative toll on marital relations^[3]. A spouse with depression may struggle to connect with their partner, show affection, and stay engaged in the relationship.

What Is Anhedonia?

Understanding anhedonia is essential for learning about how depression can cause marital disruption. Anhedonia refers to the loss of pleasure that occurs with depression, and it’s one of the diagnostic criteria for the disorder. When people experience anhedonia with depression, they simply don’t find usual activities to be rewarding any longer^[4]. This can include time spent with one’s spouse.

Over time, anhedonia can lead to withdrawal from relationships and, in consequence, a lack of intimacy within marital relationships^[5]. A person who doesn’t experience pleasure from emotional connection, physical intimacy, and time spent with their spouse will disengage from these activities.

How Does Depression Affect Communication in Marriages?

Living with a depressed spouse can also mean that communication in the marriage begins to suffer. Research suggests people living with depression may have problems communicating, including difficulty listening to and understanding what is said^[6]. Depression can also be associated with difficulty articulating emotions, which can lead to problems like avoiding conflict or attacking one’s spouse verbally during arguments^[7].

Given depression can negatively affect communication, it’s essential to be supportive of your partner. Their struggles with communication can be linked to depressive symptoms, such as feelings of worthlessness or difficulty concentrating. Staying engaged in communication and articulating feelings can be challenging when one is depressed. Practicing patience and understanding where your partner is coming from can go a long way.

Some other tips for healthy communication include^[8]:

• Trying to remain positive and warm
• Validating your partner’s perspective when they’re struggling
• Asking questions to ensure you understand their perspective
• Paraphrasing what your partner is communicating to you and allowing them to correct you if you’ve misunderstood
• Calmly communicating your feelings
• Communicating to compromise and find solutions
• Avoiding making criticisms of your partner, which can result in a demand-withdrawal pattern in which you make demands and the spouse with depression withdraws in response

How to Support a Spouse with Depression

Depression can cause significant marital disruption, but supporting your spouse can reduce symptoms of depression and improve the health of your relationship. Consider the tips below for how to help a depressed spouse^[9].

Learn About Mental Illness

The more you know about depression, the better prepared you’ll be to support your spouse. Learn all you can about the symptoms and signs of depression. Knowing about the disorder will help you to understand your spouse better, increasing your empathy and allowing you to support them more effectively.

Offer a Listening Ear

Your spouse may need someone to talk to about what they’re going through, so it’s essential to communicate you’re there to listen. If your spouse does open up to you about their struggles, be prepared to listen without passing judgment. Provide support, validate their feelings, and try to be patient.

Encourage Them to Seek Treatment

Depression is a treatable illness, and many people improve with professional intervention. Remind them that asking for help is a sign of courage and a step in the right direction. If your spouse struggles to reach out, you might offer to search for treatment providers or accompany them to an appointment.

Remember to Care for Yourself

Living with a depressed spouse can be challenging and take a negative toll on your well-being. Therefore, you must take time to care for yourself. You cannot support your spouse without managing your health and well-being. Be sure to take time to relax and participate in your hobbies. It can also be helpful to attend a support group for loved ones of individuals with a mental illness.

When to Seek Professional Help

If depression symptoms are interfering with your spouse’s daily life and/or causing marital dissatisfaction, it’s probably time to seek professional help. A mental health professional, such as a psychologist, clinical social worker, professional counselor, or psychiatrist, can offer evidence-based depression treatments – helping your spouse feel better and hopefully improving your marriage.

Depression is typically treated with psychotherapy, medication, or a combination of the two. During individual psychotherapy sessions, a person with depression can learn coping skills and evaluate negative thinking patterns contributing to depression. Antidepressant medications can complement therapy and improve problems related to sleep, appetite, and concentration^[10].

While individual therapy can be beneficial, couples therapy can be particularly effective for depression in marriage. Researchers have found that couples therapy can be as effective as individual therapy for reducing depression symptoms, as it increases support for the spouse with depression and improves communication and awareness^[11]. Finally, during couples therapy sessions, the spouse without depression may become more accepting of the mental illness^[12].

How to Rebuild Intimacy and Connection in Your Marriage

Depression can present challenges within marriages, including reduced intimacy; however, you can take steps to rebuild the connection you had with your spouse before depression took hold.

Both physical and emotional intimacy play a vital role in marital satisfaction, so it’s essential to cultivate both as you rebuild your connection. The tips below can help you navigate this journey^[13]:

• Take time to actively listen to your partner: Listening to your spouse is a key component of emotional intimacy. When your partner shares their concerns or feelings, remove distractions and listen to what they’re saying without simply waiting for your turn to speak.
• Schedule regular marriage check-ins: Regularly checking in with your partner, such as every week, can help rebuild emotional intimacy. Set aside time to sit down and discuss the state of the relationship. This is an opportunity to share your concerns and express what you need from the relationship. Be sure to comment not only on areas for improvement but also on what is going well.
• Praise your partner: The challenges that come with depression can take a toll on your relationship, and your partner may feel as if they aren’t living up to expectations. Taking time to express gratitude and appreciation can go a long way toward repairing your bond. You can offer praise for the simplest things, such as your partner’s effort to spend time with you.
• Participate in shared hobbies: A spouse with depression may withdraw from usual activities, so shared hobbies are likely to have fallen by the wayside. Spending time together doing things you both enjoy will play a central role in creating newfound intimacy in your marriage.
• Be intentional about physical touch: Offering physical touch, such as holding hands, hugging, or kissing your partner, is essential for building physical intimacy. When you touch your partner, even in non-sexual ways, you’ll release the hormone oxytocin, which is involved in love, bonding, and trust. Building trust through physical touch, when combined with emotional closeness, can also pave the way for sexual intimacy.

Depression in marriage can negatively affect both spouses, but there are ways to manage it. Depression is a treatable mental health disorder, and with support and understanding, your spouse can recover. Learning about depression, encouraging your spouse to participate in treatment, and taking time to rebuild intimacy can improve both you and your spouse’s marital satisfaction in the aftermath of depression.