Marriage Breakdown Patterns

Relationships shape our sense of connection, purpose, and belonging, yet for many, maintaining a lasting partnership is challenging. Marriage breakdown affects a significant number of couples, with an estimated 41% of first marriages ending in divorce ^[1].

The emotional toll can disrupt daily life, straining mental health, family dynamics, and personal stability. Fortunately, there are recognizable signs that point to trouble in a marriage, and with the right knowledge, couples can take steps to repair and rebuild their relationship.

What’s Love (Got to Do With It?)

Many people spend a significant part of their lives searching for their soulmate, the one perfect person out there for them. This concept is deeply ingrained in various cultures and has been popularized in literature, movies, and media. People search to find “the one,” get married, and live happily ever after. However, this doesn’t always happen, and the ideal of a perfect soulmate can sometimes set unrealistic expectations around marriage.

What is a Relationship Breakdown?

A relationship breakdown is when the bond between partners weakens, resulting in ongoing conflict, emotional detachment, and sometimes, the eventual end of the relationship. This can lead to the onset of some of the following emotions:

• Confusion
• Sadness
• Anger
• Guilt
• Anxiety

The decline is often not sudden but a gradual erosion of mutual respect, care, and love that once defined the partnership. Early intervention and communication can help couples work through challenges, resolve underlying conflicts, and ultimately revive their relationship ^[2]. For relationships that do not survive, understanding the dynamics of a breakdown can provide invaluable insights when laying the foundation for healthier future relationships ^[3]. 

Causes of a Relationship Breakdown

The reasons for a relationship breakdown are unique to each couple, and often, it’s a combination of factors that lead to the deterioration. Understanding these dynamics and addressing them proactively can help prevent or mitigate the breakdown process. Key factors that can contribute to the breakdown of a relationship are:

1. Loss of Trust – Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When trust is broken, whether through infidelity, dishonesty, or betrayal, it can be difficult to rebuild, causing the relationship to deteriorate.
2. Communication Issues – When partners fail to express their needs, frustrations, or feelings effectively, misunderstandings and resentment can build up, creating distance.
3. Emotional Disconnect – Over time, couples may drift apart emotionally, particularly if one or both feel neglected, unappreciated, or unloved. Emotional intimacy is key to maintaining a strong bond.
4. Unresolved Conflict – Every relationship faces conflict, but when disagreements are not resolved, they accumulate over time. Unresolved issues create a sense of bitterness and frustration.
5. Changes in Priorities – As individuals evolve, their values, goals, and priorities may change. If these changes aren’t aligned between partners, it leads to feelings of disconnection.
6. Stress and External Pressures – Life stressors such as financial difficulties, work pressures, health problems, or family issues can strain a relationship. 
7. Lack of Effort – Relationships require ongoing effort from both partners. When one or both individuals stop putting in the work to nurture the relationship, it suffers.
8. Individual Issues – Personal problems such as mental health struggles, addiction, or unresolved trauma can impact how one behaves within a relationship. These issues can create barriers to emotional connection and trust.

There is no single reason why a relationship begins to struggle because the dynamics of a partnership are complex and multifaceted. However, highly regarded psychologist and researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., suggests that once a relationship does start to break down, there is a predictable sequence of events that tend to occur ^[4]. A sequence of four stages which he has labeled “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ^[5].”

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Stage 1: Intractable Conflict and Complaints

Every couple faces conflict, but not all conflict is harmful. Problems arise when couples become stuck in repeated arguments that are never resolved. These ongoing disagreements often center on core values, such as decisions about children, money, or lifestyle. Many people assume the issue is simply a misunderstanding: “If my partner truly understood me, they would agree.” Believing this, they explain their perspective over and over again. However, the conflict does not stem from confusion, it comes from a genuine and dividing difference in values. Repeating the same arguments only leads to more frustration and emotional distance.

The antidote: Turn towards your partner with curiosity and openness, rather than simply trying to win or be understood. Find common ground and open the door to compromise.

Stage 2: Contempt 

As conflict continues it inevitably results in feelings of contempt. Over time, recurring issues start to feel like deeper character flaws. A once patient spouse may begin to see their partner as selfish, careless, or even fundamentally flawed. Minor irritations, such as forgetting to lower the toilet seat, can take on outsized meaning and become steeped in resentment. This shift in perception poisons everyday interactions. Instead of viewing each other with kindness or benefit of the doubt, both partners begin to expect the worst. John Gottman summarizes that contempt is one of the strongest and most reliable predictors of relationship breakdown. ‘When contempt begins to overwhelm your relationship you tend to forget entirely your partner’s positive qualities ^[6].’

The antidote: Dr. Gottman suggests discussing happy events of the past can help many couples to reconnect.

Stage 3: Defensiveness and Emotional Flooding

Once contempt takes hold, defensiveness often follows. Ongoing conflict and criticism cause partners to put up emotional walls. They begin to expect every disagreement to lead to hurt or failure, and they mentally brace themselves for it. Emotional flooding is both intense and painful, making even small disagreements feel impossible to manage. To avoid this discomfort, partners often become more reactive, more guarded, or emotionally shut down.

The antidote: Instead of denying blame or counterattacking, partners should acknowledge and take responsibility for their part in the conflict. Gottman recommends that when someone feels overwhelmed during conflict, the answer is to ‘self-soothe’. Take a break to calm down by either going for a walk, listening to calming music or doing some deep breathing.

Stage 4: Withdrawal and Stonewalling

Eventually, the emotional distance becomes overwhelming. Partners begin to pull away, not because they have stopped caring, but because they are trying to protect themselves from further hurt. They stop trying to work through conflicts and instead choose silence or avoidance. This withdrawal is what John Gottman refers to as stonewalling. It is like closing a door to keep the pain out, but it also shuts out any chance for connection. When both partners retreat behind emotional barriers, love and intimacy cannot survive ^[6].

The antidote: Stonewalling typically occurs when a partner becomes emotionally overwhelmed and shuts down. Therefore to avoid this, Gottman recommends taking a 20 minute break to allow physiological arousal to subside and giving the body and mind time to calm down.

When assessing the ‘four horseman’ breakdown sequence, the context needs to be given consideration. For example, couples with incompatible values or dreams are more likely to face unresolved conflicts that lead to contempt, defensiveness, and avoidance. Critics have also expressed concern that his theory may be an oversimplification of complex relationship dynamics. 

Duck’s 5 Stages to Relationship Breakdown

Another influential framework for understanding relationship breakdown comes from Steve Duck’s model of dissolution ^[7]. Duck theorises that there are 5 stages:

1. Intrapsychic
   At this initial stage, one partner grows dissatisfied but keeps those feelings private, sharing them only with close friends or in personal reflection. Sometimes, this venting restores commitment without the other partner ever knowing there was a problem. If the dissatisfaction deepens instead, the individual reaches a point where they must confront the issue directly, ending the intrapsychic phase.
2. Dyadic
   Here, partners openly express their unhappiness and begin negotiating, assigning blame, and justifying their feelings. They attempt to solve the problems together, but by the end of this stage one or both may conclude, “I would be justified in leaving,” acknowledging that the relationship might no longer work.
3. Social
   At this point, private concerns become public. Friends, family, and peers learn about the couple’s struggles and the end of the relationship becomes public knowledge.
4. Grave‑Dressing
   Once the relationship ends, each person crafts their own story about why it failed. They make sense of the breakup by assigning meaning and assigning responsibility, preparing themselves psychologically for life apart.
5. Resurrection
   In this final phase, individuals begin to move on. They reflect on lessons learned, reframe the relationship’s significance, and develop new expectations and strategies for future partnerships ^[7].

Steve Duck’s phase model outlines the importance of communication, particularly during the dyadic phase. Effective communication allows partners to address issues constructively, potentially preventing the progression to subsequent phases of breakdown and eventually, divorce. By recognizing the signs and engaging in open dialogue, couples can work towards resolving conflicts and strengthening their relationship.

Practical Steps to Addressing Conflict

Using coping strategies that de-escalate tension and promote productive dialogue can help to address conflict in relationships. The following techniques can turn disagreements into opportunities for growth:

• Active Listening: Fully focus on your partner’s words, ensuring they feel heard and validated, even if you disagree with their perspective. Respond thoughtfully to show you understand their message.
  
• Use “I” Statements: Frame your feelings and needs using “I” statements to avoid blame. For instance, say, “I feel upset when…” instead of “You make me upset by…”
  
• Take a Time-Out: If emotions escalate, agree in advance to take a short break. This allows both partners to calm down and return to the conversation with a clearer perspective ^[7].
  
• Seek to Understand First: Prioritize understanding your partner’s viewpoint before expressing your own. This fosters empathy and helps find common ground.
  
• Focus on the Issue, Not the Person: Address specific behaviors or situations causing the conflict, rather than criticizing your partner. This keeps the conversation focused and respectful.

Happy marriages offer more than just emotional satisfaction; they contribute to better overall health and well-being. Research consistently shows that individuals in strong, fulfilling relationships tend to live longer and experience lower risks of various health issues, including depression, strokes, and heart attacks. Whereas break-ups are associated with psychological distress and a decline in life satisfaction ^[8].

The Importance of Timing

The context in which conflicts are addressed is just as crucial as the way they are communicated. The right timing and environment can play a significant role in determining the outcome of a disagreement.

• Choose the Right Time: Bring up sensitive issues when both partners are calm, rested, and not distracted. Ensure you both have the mental and emotional capacity to engage in a thoughtful and constructive conversation.
  
• Select a Neutral Setting: Choose a private, quiet space free from distractions. It’s important that the setting feels neutral and safe for both partners, encouraging honest dialogue without the pressure of external factors.

By incorporating these practical steps into your conflict resolution strategy, you and your partner can navigate disagreements more effectively.

Looking Forward

Understanding relationship breakdown through models like Gottman’s Four Horsemen and Duck’s phase theory offers valuable perspectives on how relationships deteriorate over time. Both frameworks highlight the importance of recognizing early warning signs and the critical role of communication in maintaining healthy relationships. By being aware of these patterns, individuals and couples can take proactive steps to address issues constructively, potentially preventing the progression toward dissolution.