Why do I feel like I’m losing my personality wholeness?

You don’t give enough information to really say what is happening to you, but I can offer you some ideas about things to look into.

The basic complaints you articulate are: difficulty concentrating, loss of feeling of control over life, alteration in the sense of identity, unwanted past memories, irritation, fear of public places. These symptoms suggest multiple possible conditions, including depression, agoraphobia, dissociation, and early-stage psychosis. Not very helpful so far, I dont’ think becuase there is no way to reject one for the other. Here is why I suggest these categories however.

I suggest that depression may be occuring becuase of the concentration problems, the feeling of loss of control, and the sense that you’ve lost wholeness. You may also be describing rumination when you talk about unwanted past memories coming into your mind to plague you. We’re not necessarily talking about a Major Depression here, mind you. Just a moderate depression that is more about irribility than melencholia.

Dissociation occurs when your memories become fragmented and parts of them become hidden from your regular recall abilities. I suggest dissociation may be occuring, becuase of your description of the loss of personality wholeness. Very mild cases of dissocation frequently involve a condition variously known/experienced as Derealization or Depersonalization wherein people get the strange feeling that they are no longer themselves (or the world is no longer normal) in some intangible but deeply felt way. You could just be describing regular withdrawal from activities when you say that your personality is getting less whole, but you may also be describing this process of depersonalization too. Hard to say.

I suggest early stage psychosis may be occuring, becuase the sense of derealization/depersonalization is sometimes also experienced during the begining of an illness that will involve psychosis, such as schizophrenia. There is nothing to suggest that this is happening besides your interesting use of language about “losing personality wholeness”, but that is how early-stage psychosis patients sometimes talk, so I’ll mention it.

Finally, Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder that occurs when people start getting panic attacks (severe sudden episodes of disabling anxiety) in public places, and then start being frightened of going back to those (now unsafe-feeling) public places. In advanced stages, agoraphobics end up becoming shut-ins, unable to leave their own homes without assistance. You don’t mention that your live has become restricted by anxiety in the manner of agoraphobia, but you do mention a fear of public places, so this is worth mentioning.

None of these disorders or diagnoses are mutually exclusive. You can have all of them at once, although that would be rare.

I’m sorry to learn that psychiatrists (is that what you mean when you write “psyhiatres”) were unable to help you, but really the only good suggestion I can make to you is that you go back to see another psychiatrist or to see a psychologist. Only these two sorts of mental health doctors are capable of accurately diagnosing you and figuring out what is actually happening. You need an accurate diagnosis of what is wrong before you can come up with any useful treatment program. Please go to see a mental health doctor for a diagnosis and subsequent treatment recommendations – that will be the best and most useful thing you can do for yourself with regard to feeling better.